This is 32 | A New List

My final portrait from my series, taken on the eve of my 32nd birthday.

11, 699 days in so far in this thing called life, as of today that is. I had every intention of actually getting these words out into the open over a week ago when I rang in a new year of life but...life happened per usual. Work happened, raising kids happened, trying to catch up on sleep kind of happened but who are we kidding, really? 

I have a feeling that year thirty two is going to be a good one for me, one like I've never quite experienced before. Why? I'm not sure how to put my finger on it but this past season has been one of swift and immense change in just about every area of my life. I feel like this new year is going to be much the same and I'm kind of just along for the ride so far.

 Looking back upon my life over the last decade, I never really thought I would be where I am now. I'm back working at the office that I left 4 years ago and it still is strange to me to sit and work in that office once more. Every morning that I go into work, it still feels strange to put on my name tag and walk through those halls.  We have two children, which is still seemingly mind boggling to me in many ways. Becoming a mom has changed me more than anything else in my life. 

As of last week, we have officially transitioned back to the church we called home when we were newleyweds and into the years of our lives pre-babies. I have been trying to be intentional and cry out for my family in this season more than I ever have before. No longer working at church opened up my ears and my heart more to where God was leading us in this new season. He has lead us to return to where we once were. As with all decisions of this caliber, it has not been easy especially because many of th people I was in ministry with, I have been in ministry with for over half of my life. That’s a long time. But, sitting in our new (old) church home on Sunday, I was flooded with so much peace and I know we are where we need to be. Sometimes transition is hard and I have felt that in so many areas of our lives. But lately, I have felt peace the surpasses all of my understanding in this life and I know I just need to keep listening. 

Every year for the past few years, I have created a list of things that I want to accomplish before my next birthday rolls around, as it always does. Now that I am on my way into my mid-thirties, at least in a few years, I feel like it is expected of me to get my crap together more. My twenties feel very, very, very far away now and life looks completely different than I thought it would. Good different, but different nonetheless. 

Here is my list from last year. I have gone in and crossed out the ones that I actually accomplished. There are some things on this list that I have placed on the list every year and every year I don’t accomplish them, but here we are. I know many of you could really care less if I cross off items on my list, but I love things like this and I will probably continue to make these lists for a long time. 

Below is my list for this new year of life....I am now 32, which still seems odd to me in the grand scheme of things. But, I’m ready to dive in to this new year, full of hope even though so many things still feel like they are unknown. 

33 books
Read through the Bible
Go camping
Become debt free
Get another tattoo
Sell our house (This is probably the biggest undertaking on this list...) 
10 year anniversary trip
Family Trip
Holiday Bucket List 
Try Buki Yoga & Lekfit
Secret Thing #1 (Wouldn’t you like to know?) 
Fly in a plane
Farmers Market
Use the library more
No Spend Month
Drive in Movie
Find another side hustle
Fall Bucket List
Play a show or play FOCOMX 
Have pie in Estes
Intuitive Eating
Go to a concert
See the ocean
52 Blog Posts for the year
Stay at the Elizabeth Hotel
Get a massage
Finish a song
30 Day Challenge
Revamp the weekly cleaning schedule
Go meat free for a while
New pick up and tune up for my Martin acoustic
Family Dinner 2x per week and focus on meal planning
Make bread from scratch

This is 32. 

Portrait Ten & Eleven

I am always doing some sort of catch up but at least I'm getting these accomplished at some point. They were taken weeks or months ago. These are part of my 32 Things Before 32 List where I set a goal of taking one self-portrait per month. I haven't been very good at it and really don't enjoy taking my own photo but I made this as part of my list because of that. I need to be stretched. I need to be able to capture where I am at in in a certain season of my life. 

The first image feels very veiled to me. In this moment in time I am debating making even more changes in our lives, even more changes than I have already brought about in this past year. Something has been stirring inside of me greatly since I left my job at the church. Something has not stayed quiet and I feel like we have found a new home and community. I realize this is all very vague but I took this photo sitting on our steps in our house after we had just been at church and realizing mid service that we might not be there much longer, at least in the capacity that we have been. That is a big deal and a very big change. It has been hanging on me for months and I feel like we are finally getting to the point of being on the other side. Soon, very soon. 

This second photo was taken in an average hotel room in Montrose, CO on the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was tired, missing our kids, and ready to return back to our lives after traveling Thursday through Saturday, two weeks in a row. But, the fact that Ryan and I were both able to travel to Montrose for the funeral and see our family was a great gift, one I don't take lightly. I was thinking a lot about family and life, as one does when celebrating the life of another. Life really is short and I have no desire to waste my moments that I have with our children, friends, and family. Those things are what really matters. My job won't matter. Our house and cars won't matter. The number in our bank account won't matter or the number on the scale won't really matter. People matter. I need to be reminded of that a lot lately and I am grateful for the reminder. 

Sullivan Turns One

It's been nearly a month since our little dude turned the big O-N-E. June and July have whizzed by so quickly that I feel like I've just been trying to catch my breath all summer. Lots of trips and changes have been occurring in our lives. I am thankful for all of it but phew...school will be starting before we know it. Marin will be going off to Pre-K at a different preschool. We will be working hard to get our house on the market in the spring. The holidays will be here before we know it. Good things. All good things. 

For Sullivan's birthday, we ended up postponing the party by one week because we all had been sick. I feel like we are all finally healthy. Somehow, Ryan didn't get hit with it and he's lucky. Usually we just keep passing around whatever sickness has made it into our home.

We gathered the family at the Hollen's home for our traditional Raising Cane's Chicken, baked beans, french fries, salad, fruit, and cake extravaganza. We usually do the same for Marin's birthday parties because it's affordable and delicious. I wanted to have everyone over to our house but our back porch is in need of some love and the Hollen's have a backyard oasis. 

The weather was perfect, nice and hot. Sullivan ate his chicken and french fries like a little champ, which is normal for him. After we all ate, we opened gifts for Sully and Grandpa-doo, who's birthday was on the 19th of July. Sullivan is now decked out in some cool new clothes and pjs. He also got a lot of rad toys, a puzzle, a little swimming pool, tons of books, a swing for our swing set out back, and a wagon with a canopy. I can't wait to get the pool out and use the wagon for a parade we are going to on Saturday. 

Having the birthday cake was probably his favorite part. He ended up eating it with a fork like a proper little man. He crashed into bed very quickly that night once the sugar rush ended. 

Thank you to everyone that came to celebrate Sullivan and his first year with us. We are so thankful for this little guy and I cannot imagine life without him. Happy Birthday, Sully! We love you! 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifty Two, 1 year old!!!

Folks, we have made it. Sullivan James Hollen is officially one year old. Technically he's now 369 days old but we aren't focusing on technicalities. I was hoping to ring in this one year post with pictures from his birthday bash but unfortunately that won't be happening quite yet....

Marin picked out these birthday toys for Sullivan. 

Most of last week over his birthday the kiddos and myself were are very much under the weather. The sickness presented itself last friday and has stuck around in one form or another until today. We are still coughing a bit and our noses are still red and running. Being sick over your birthday pretty much is the worst. Being sick and having to take care of two sick kids is also pretty much the worst. But, we are slowly on the mend and have rescheduled his big birthday bash to next week. I know he probably won't remember the fact that we celebrated his big day ten days after the fact. Oh well...

He is one. He is one! Our little man, our last baby, our wonderful son is one years old now and every time I look at him lately he seems to be turning into a little boy right before my eyes. Everyday he gets longer and his pants get a little more snug. Everyday he starts babbling different sounds and little almost words. Everyday he gets a little bit more excited about food and shakes his little fists in the air in pure excitement because just loves to eat that much. Everyday he inches closer and closer to getting mobile and I'm just praying that it's sooner rather than later. He is stronger everyday. 

It's hard to believe that a year ago today we were just bringing him home from the hospital. The new baby smell and sleepless nights have slowly worn away and now I welcome any little cuddles that I may get from him because he wants to be doing something at all times and is fascinated so much by the world around him. 

Sullivan made me a boy mom and I'm sure we have many years ahead of us of peeing all over the toilet and around it, fart noises, and rough housing. Maybe he will want to play sports and pick up the guitar. Maybe he will love to read or just prefer to be outside in the mud. Maybe he will love music as much as we do, maybe not. Whatever he goes after in this life there's one thing I know for sure, I will forever be his mama and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

He's growing up so quickly and that does make me sad but at the same time I am loving seeing him grow up into the little boy that he will be. I'm thankful that we are getting past the little baby stage and into the little boy stage. This is when it starts getting really fun. We are finding our groove as a family and it's only going to get better. 

Happy Birthday, a few days late, Sullivan James Hollen. You were made to be a part of our little family and we cannot imagine living life without you! 

Here's Marin at Fifty Two Weeks! 

And for good measure...he's Sully's birth story. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifty One

We have one more week of posts before Sullivan is a one year old! Technically, in two days, he will be one and I still can't believe it. I say that every time, in every post. But, it's true! Where did this year go? Please tell me. My baby is becoming a little boy ever so quickly. He will be a little toddler before we know it. 

Since we got back from Montrose, life has been pretty much nonstop. I played keyboards at church the day after we got back and ran without practice. Monday was spent trying to get our house in some sort of order: scrubbing the tub and toilet, doing loads and loads of laundry, and mopping the floors. I worked my normal three days this week and try to cram in as much as I can in those three days. I led worship for prayer, solo on an acoustic, on Wednesday. It's been a while since I've done that and it wiped me out. Thursday night I had worship practice for Sunday. Friday night was pretty much the only evening Ryan and I were able to have some time to just be with each other. 

I don't like those days when I go to the office, leaving at 7am after kissing my sweet family good bye while they eat their waffles and bananas at the breakfast table. I then work my hardest all day at the office, consumed with quickbooks and billing. Then there are the evenings where I get to run home real quick, grab a bite to eat, kiss those babies again, and then run off of to church for one thing or another. The nights that I don't get to help with baths and tuck in the little ones are not my favorite. Somedays I only see our children for a half hour. I am not okay with that and would like to not have many of those days. 

Sullivan is still not crawling. He will be one on Tuesday. In my mom brain I'm trying to not freak out entirely about that and know that he will in due time. But, it's so hard to wonder about the whens and what ifs. That is not a good rabbit trail for my brain to go down. That's really the only milestone that he isn't fully hitting yet and I'm ready for it. I was ready for it months ago. 

This weekend was a rough one. Marin started to feel under the weather on Friday. Running nose, cough, feeling icky. Then around 1:00am Saturday morning, Sullivan woke crying and was burning up. We haven't had to deal with a lot of fevers with our babies and this one was not fun. Just today, I feel like it finally broke and he is slowly becoming himself more. Of course, all of this happens when our pediatrician is not open. Luckily, we have a support system around us to come help me out when I am exhausted and can't get Sully to cool down. We have taken a lot of sponge baths and he has hung out in his diaper only for the past two days. It's always horrible to watch your child hurt and you can only do so many things. His body was obviously fighting off something and the fever is part of that. I even ended up staying home from church this morning and I was supposed to help lead worship. My kids come first over all of that and I'm glad we have all gotten to rest today. I feel a sore throat creeping in in my throat and I need it to go away like yesterday. 

This coming week should be a good one as long as everyone is healthy. I'm only working Monday and Tuesday. After that, I have six full days off because we are closing the office for the July 4th holiday. Hallelujah. I am looking very forward to some time off. No work. No band practices. Wednesday is the 4th and is always my favorite holiday aside from Christmas. Last year I spent it in the hospital because I had just had Sullivan. I'm looking forward to hanging out with family and watching fireworks. A few days after that, we will be celebrating Sullivan's birthday and I'm excited to be with family once more. It should be a full and refreshing week as long as we all get healthy. 

Here's Marin at Week Fifty One! 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifty

At some point in this process of documenting Sullivan's first year of life, I have fallen behind. I am posting week fifty when Sullivan will be a one year old in a week. All of those weeks of not posting until pretty much the beginning of a new week have gotten us to this point. I will catch up as he turns one and the fact that I've kept this up with two kiddos is nothing short of a miracle. 

Ryan and I went to Montrose, CO on Thursday to celebrate the life of my grandfather. He passed away on June 11th. I am very glad that we were able to make the trip there and be with family as we looked back upon his life. He was an amazing man and I'm sad that he is gone but I'm very glad that he is no longer hurting and is at peace. I was able to honor him by singing at his vigil on Thursday night and I'm very glad I did. It felt like the best thing I could offer. 

The week prior, we were away for our anniversary trip and then a week after that we were in Montrose. I feel like I haven't been home for weeks. I am very glad that I don't work Mondays because I was able to finally catch up on a bunch of laundry and scrub the bathtub. The house was feeling pretty gnarly and it feels good to have stuff picked up again for the beginning of a new week. 

We are planning Sullivan's birthday bash which will include barbecuing and hanging out with family. He already enjoys both of those things and I'm looking forward to celebrating him. I cannot believe he is nearly a one year old. Where has the time gone? I was just pregnant, uncomfortable, and awaiting his arrival into this world. So many things have happened in his first year of life and I love seeing how he has grown and how we have all grown in this year. 

I'm looking very forward to him being more mobile and no longer having to buy formula. Now if we could just get him out of diapers, then we would be golden. Granted, we have a bit more time before that happens, I'm sure. Buying diapers and formula...that will be something I won't miss someday. But then I will look back and wish our children could be little like that once more. I need to soak in all of this while I still can because he is our last little babe and he will be in high school before we know it. 

I don't have much else to say this week because we were gone for most of it. The Hollen's took the kiddos again for two nights and I'm sure they were living their best lives. Swimming in the pool, trolley rides downtown, trips to Culver's. I would be fine with all of that. We are very thankful that they were able to have the kiddos again. We know they were in the best hands. 

Here's Marin at week fifty. 

Portrait Nine

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of April. Yet again, just like the months before, April is a ways back in the grand scheme of things and honestly feels like a life time ago. Here we are, behind per usual, but here nonetheless. 

I feel more at ease in this photograph than I have in a very long time. This was from the weekend we spent in the mountains, away as a family. I still look tired, yes, but behind those tired mom eyes, I see a woman that has found the other side of a decision that was a big one to make. Leaving my job at the church was not an easy decision, not one that I ever took lightly. It hung on me for a very long time and being on the other side of it still feels foreign. I breathe in and out differently than before. The air seems different. My view of life and family seems different. 

My father in law mentioned to me a while back that I seemed so much more at ease than I was I before. At first I didn't think so but then when I began to look in I realized that he was indeed very correct. I am different. I feel whole and at peace. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I was before. The act of going to work, working hard, and then leaving it all at the office has breathed fresh air into my lungs, into my life. 

Yes, I still have moments where I wonder how the team is doing, how scheduling is going, and realize that I'm missing out on many things. But, you know what? It's okay. My daughter is always surprised when I tell her that I get to spend the next few days with her and our son. When she realizes that mommy doesn't need to stare at a computer screen or be attached to my phone, excitement fills her eyes and she plans out our day of doing puzzles, playing with play dough, and swinging on the swings. That is what matters. I am no longer overworked and ragged by the time I come home to my family. I am still tired after work and I'm still tired after a day with the kiddos, but it all feels different. 

At ease is great place to be. I like it here. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Forty Nine, Vacation, & Father's Day

This post is going to be a hodgepodge of many things because that is a true reflection of this past week of our lives, kind of all over the place. This past week was a good one in many ways and I write these words today with a thankful and full to the brim heart. I am so grateful for all of the people that I get to do life with. I tend to get so caught up in the day to day of changing diapers or working in Quickbooks that sometimes I forget to step back and realize that our life is seriously great. Our family is great.

Sullivan is now forty nine weeks old. We are starting to plan for his first birthday bash. He was born on July 3rd and will always pretty much share festivities with Independence Day, kind of like those kids that have birthdays at Christmas time. We were originally going to try and celebrate Sully on the fourth of July but decided to divide the two days instead, especially for his first birthday. This is a big day, one that I know he won't really remember but nonetheless I want it to be his special day. The fact that we will have a one year old son in a few short weeks is mind blowing. I hardly have any photos of him this week because we were on vacation or I was working...

Half way through this past week, Ryan started vacation. I worked Monday through Wednesday instead of my normal Tuesday through Thursday schedule. He started vacation by cutting off all of his hair. He's been growing is out for three years now. He is so handsome, man bun or no man bun. 

On Thursday, we took the kids over to the Hollen's house for two nights of slumber parties and we headed up into the mountains for some time away. We booked two nights in Blackhawk, CO. Thursday evening, we went to a concert at the best venue on the planet, i.e. Red Rocks. My favorite songwriter and musician of all time was playing and as always he didn't disappoint. Seeing Ryan Adams at Red Rocks was a bucket list concert for me and now I finally can say I have experienced it. Red Rocks is amazing but also makes me realize how out of shape I am. It's a lot of walking. Seriously pathetic but the show was amazing and the weather was amazing. Living in Colorado is pretty awesome. 

We spent the next two days in Blackhawk. We were able to actually sleep in. I don't remember the last time I really was able to do that. We had a slow breakfast in our room on the first morning. After that we had a couples massage and it was so amazing. Our friends met us up there later that day and we spent the rest of our time a the slot machines and blackjack tables. I still cannot believe it but I won pretty big on the slot machines! Like $800 on a slot machine!!! We pretty much were able to cover our trip and the money we brought with us. I enjoyed our time up there so much and it was nice to spend it with each other and with our friends. Winning some money definitely didn't hurt either. 

We came back home and picked up our kiddos. I missed them a lot while we were gone. Yes, vacation is super awesome, but not being around your kiddos kind of sucks. I kept watching the videos that the Hollen's were sending to us. They lived it up at the grandparent's house with plenty of pool time, park time, and pumpkin scones. They both took great naps after we picked them up because I'm sure they had the best time. They were wiped out. 

Today is Sunday and normally we would be at church but we decided to have a slow morning as a family since Ryan is still on vacation and I am not leading worship at church today. We woke up, gave Ryan his gift, and made pancakes with bacon and blueberries on the side. It was delicious. 

I have to give a shout out to Ryan on the Father's Day...Happy Father's Day! You are our rock and an amazing father to our children. I cannot imagine being on this journey through parenthood without you. Watching you as a father to our children has been one of the best gifts of my life. We love you very much! 

And last but certainly not least...Happy Father's Day to my dad! You taught me how to work hard in life and be there for my family no matter what. You have always been there for me, full of guidance and support through some of my darkest times and my brightest times. You have believed in me as a musician and songwriter and I know you will always be one of my biggest fans. Happy Father's Day, Dad! Thank you for being such an awesome dad and grandfather. I love you. 

Here's Marin at Week Forty Nine!