I Want to Be a Loser

I know what you're thinking: What an emo title. What a great read for my Tuesday morning. Stay with me, I promise I will make some sort of sense. 

If any of you know me or have read my blog for any given amount of time, you probably know that I'm always on some sort of diet. I'm always scoping out the next meal plan or fitness routine. It is a struggle. My weight has been a constant force the past few years, a force to be reckoned with. A force that I cannot allow to sway my days any longer. 

I've been on a new plan and going to the gym very consistently as of late and I feel awesome. I feel awesome until the fateful time I step on the scale every week, only to be hit with the same darn number. My muscle mass is going up, my fat mass is going down, but still no budge. Not even a smidgen. It stares back at me like something that has been etched long ago into cement, never to change or morph. 

I'm sick of staring at that scale. I don't want to any more. I want to wake up every morning knowing that I'm feeding my body extremely well, taking care of it, lifting my weights, and sweating my butt off. That's all I need. That's really all I want. 

I still want to be a loser though. A loser of pounds. A gainer of muscle, confidence, and strength. My jeans are buttoning easier than they used to and I've had to wear a belt with my favorite blue jeans. I am not only a number. I am a strong women that is taking this one step at a time. 

As I was cooking my meals for the week last night, it really hit me. No more scale. No more measuring. No more stressing out and feeling miserable. Just living and breathing, sweating and enduring. That's it. Healthy meals, healthy habits, kick butt workouts. 

Simply put this morning: I want to be a loser. But, the scale and I are going to break up for a while. 

And I feel totally alright with that. 

Farmers Market, Nepal Imports, and Finger-Licking BBQ

It's only 12:30pm on Saturday and I already feel as content as can be. Seriously. My day could come to an end now and I'd still feel good about. 

We began our morning by heading out to the Larimer County Farmers Market in Old Town. We planned on going last weekend but it was rainy and we slept in a bit too late. I love farmers markets. I can also cross that off of my goals for May. 

We came home with some green chili bread, some espresso almond butter, and some local honey from the Farmers Market. We also bought a tapestry to hang behind our bed from a Nepal Store down the street. 

After the farmers market and purchasing the tapestry for our bedroom wall, we went to a new-to-us BBQ joint downtown located in the Alley Cat Alley. One word: delicious. We each ate pulled pork sandwiches with cowboy beans and a pickle. I couldn't decide which BBQ sauce I liked better. Our stomachs are very content. Perfect cheat day meal, yet again. Have I mentioned how much I adore Saturdays? 

Hog Wild BBQ

What was left. 

Current Chaos

This is where I am at right now. Chaos. Garage sale chaos. At least the craft room/office is starting to actually resemble a craft room/office once more. But, this room? DRIVING ME NUTS. Some of it's staying. Some of it's going. Some of it, I don't know what to do with some of it. 

Progress. Slow progress. Beach House and the new John Mayer record are keeping me company and keeping me sane. 

If I don't post on here for a few days, my hoarder piles might have gotten the best of me. I'm buried somewhere. Send rescue. And ice cream. 

PS. Did you see the new layout? Nice and clean. Chaos free. Now if only my house would feel that way. 

Current Sounds: Alabama Shakes

Oh my. How have I not known about this band before??? So, so good. She sings with such soul. I could listen to them forever. I am seriously, majorly inspired by this crew. Take a listen....

Seriously. She's my hero. 

Four Years Ago, Today.

Today is a monumental day. Even in the confines of such a normal Wednesday, I find myself extremely thankful and extremely blessed. It's even raining outside right now which just adds to my love for this very moment. 

Four years ago, today, and probably close to this very time, I met my best friend. I met my mountain man. It was the week I had just moved back from the beloved northwest, setting my feet once again upon the soil in which I grew up. My life still in boxes, my heart still in Longview. It was a time filled with longing for returning to where I had been forced to grow up, to the city in which my dreams had soared and had died, only to be slowly revived again before I left. But, home called me back, even though I had no real idea as to why. 

I know now. In a week filled with tornados touching down closer than one would ever imagine in our little city, lives changed forever, mine was also changed. The day after the storm, I found myself with camera in hand, boots on my feet, and a ring in my nose: The picture of the place I had left. I can still remember the very thing I wore that day. It was before I cut all of my hair off once I became a barista and it drove me too crazy. I was wearing my deep maroon cowboy boots, skinny jeans, a t-shirt, and a brown vest. 

In an effort to keep myself occupied and keep a grasp on what little art I had the desire to create, I offered to take photos of a friend's band at Everyday Joe's. Little did I know, I would have my wedding reception within those brick walls. 

He walked in, hairy as ever. A mountain man with a full beard and ponytail. He wore a snap-button, plaid shirt and his jeans were rolled up, showing his ankles. I remember thinking how much I liked that. He wore flip flops on his feet. A mutual friend introduced us and our lives were forever changed. I also found out he was a musician and photographer.  Before that moment, I was already planning wholeheartedly on moving back to the northwest. I was miserable, I questioned everything, I wanted to be anywhere but in Fort Collins. Until that night. Hook, line, and sinker. 

I knew I would marry Ryan the day I met him. Now, we find ourselves here, May 23rd, 2012. We are almost three years into our marriage and everyday I fall even harder for him than the day before. 

We were brought together by loss, the storms that sometimes fall upon our lives, and the desire to create art and just escape reality for even just a breath of time. 

It was in the time I least expected it, I found my mountain man. 

Wish List Wednesday: A Little Bit of Everything

The following items really don't have much in common with one another. There is no theme. These are just things I'm crushing on this week. 

Wish List Wednesday: A Little Bit of Everything

Succulents. I want to put these all over the inside and outside of my house. I think they take house plants to a whole new level and I would have a harder time killing them off by accident. 

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I've been majorly obsessed with a more bohemian vibe for our bedroom. I know originally I was all about the yellow and grey theme but I might venture elsewhere. I plan on removing our headboard and using a tapestry on the wall in place of that. One like this....

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I want to get more into yoga once again. Since joining the gym, I've tried just about every class but yoga. I'm planning on trying their hot yoga this Thursday and I'm looking really forward to it. Someday,  a really nice Manduka mat would be wonderful. 

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I also would really love to get my hands on a new pair of Toms this summer. My lovely husband bought me the black sparkly ones two years ago and I've just about worn right through them. When I wear them, I feel like I'm getting away with wearing sparkly slippers to work. Win, win. I really like these crochet Toms. 

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We are already half way through the week. I've been feeling a bit under the weather, but things are looking up. If I survive the work day today, I begin 5 glorious days off. I plan on owning the garage sale like it's nobodies business. There is also a trip to the farmer's market in my near future. Life is good. 

The Weekender: An Outfit Post

As promised, I have finally gotten around to taking photos for another outfit post. (I'm meeting one of May's goals....) This outfit is one of my weekend staples. I don't get to wear jeans often (I'm in dresses all the time at work), so when the weekend hits, I really just want my jeans. 

Sidenote: I tried on three pairs of jeans I've been holding onto since my early college days and successfully buttoned all of them. Success. Even though I'm feeling discouraged and have fat days just like any other lady, buttoning those pants felt pretty darn good. Slow progress. 

Anyways...

I got gel nails (by OPI) this friday. I'm hooked. I've played the guitar, cleaned my house, and beat up my nails like usual. They still look great. Hallelujah. 

My latest obsession: Rolling my jeans. Why? I don't really need a reason, do I? 

You always need a good jumping shot. My husband is a real sport for helping me take these photos. Side note: it was raining that day too. 

Outfit Details: 

Jeans- Target

Print Shirt- Ross 

Cardigan- Express

Boots- Walmart (who knew?) 

Saturday In Photographs

Saturday with my man. There's nothing better. 

Waiting for eats. 

Fort Collin's own: Silver Grill Cafe 

Silver Grill for Breakfast 

Cheat Day Breakfast of Champions: Fiesta Hashbrowns, Coffee, and a slice of their famous cinnamon roll toast.

Thrift Store Explorations 

Cocktails with Friends 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I wrote this in my journal yesterday, in the early morning hour before the rest of my world was awake. 

Hello, Monday. I can't believe you are here already, but I must be very much ready for you. This weekend was a whirlwind of fresh, bold hair colors, dance classes, house scrubbing, new decor store inspiration, and all of the reasons why our mothers are amazing and all the reasons why I still can't wait to be a mom. 

I always think: maybe this will be the last year of not being a mother, just maybe. Maybe next year some of those adorable hand made cards will be for me. Maybe I will be the wide-eyed, sleep deprived woman at the end of the table with a kid in tow. Maybe that will be next year for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I long for motherhood a lot lately. Of course, the idea of it absolutely terrifies me. But, at the same time, I finally feel that spark of knowing that is part of what I am meant to do, of how I meant to live, of who I am meant to be. To be a mom. To raise a child. To devote myself and time to another little human being that cannot quite care for themselves yet. I just know, with all that is within me, that motherhood will someday be a part of who I am. 

I think about my own mother today. Her guidance, her trust in all of my adventures, her wisdom. I think of my mother-in-law and all of the ways she is also wise. I am surrounded by women who know what they are doing and probably sat in the very place I do now today. Wondering. Waiting. Terrified. But, somehow each day I am more ready than I was the day before. 

Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe it won't. Everyday I get closer to that time. 

Yes. We were once this awesome. I'm the deer in headlights in the back. 

Wish List Wednesday: Outdoor Spaces

We have been homeowners for almost two years now. I've spent a lot of time decorating the inside of our home, but the outside really still needs some loving. Actually, it needs A LOT of loving. Every time we work on the yard I feel like we are only making a dent in everything that needs to be done. Before we bought the house it was a rental and was never shown any yard love. At all. Not even a little. Our sod is uneven (what sod is actually still there) and trees need trimmed. There's really no landscaping of any sort and the second I seem to make progress it all grows back to where it was before. This year, one of our goals is to show our yard some love. We'd like to at least get the front yard to a place where we no longer are the "bad, young hooligans who can't keep their yard nice" on the street. I want the outside to reflect the inside. Curated and cared for. 

It's no secret that I'm obsessed with Pinterest, as I'm sure many of you are as well. Here is some inspiration to brighten up you Wednesday morning. Now if only I wasn't stuck at work all and day and could go out and enjoy a space like one of these....

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The Art of Letting Go

I've been starting to sift through room by room in our little home. The piles have become mounds and I have picked them down to just lint in the carpet. Neat piles surround me every where I look and I can't help but wonder why we have all of this stuff in the first place. What significance does it hold? Where along our journey did we gain this item or that item and why must it still reside in our lives? Does it have meaning or is it just gathering dust? 

I've been spring cleaning for what seems like forever. I've also been thinking about what that means in my own life. What spider webs have I allowed to wreak havoc upon my heart's own closets and what blocks have I left in my own pathway to the door? 

I don't feel much of a need for most of the items in our home. Much of my past is very much the same. I have my decisions, my dreams, my dreams lost, and those moments that I hold on to far too tightly at times. In my quest for a clean home, I also desire a clear mind and spirit. How often do we walk through life with too many piles at our side? How many oversized bags have I drug behind me in hope of finding a new fork in the road? 

I think of these piles today. I think of my college days. I think of the friends I lost and the friends I gained. I think of moving home and meeting my husband in a whirlwind of an entirely unexpected moment. I hold onto things and moments for far too long. I must let many of them go. Maybe those songs aren't meant to be sung anymore. Maybe the rain will never fall upon my life like it once did. This process is an art form, a picking away at the piles and a sorting through of feelings and mistakes. Letting go is tough. But, in the long run, a clean slate is so much better. 

I desire a clean slate today, one I can fill up with new experiences and new moments. 

Goals for May

How is it even possible that we are already in the month of May? I feel like I begin every new month with that very same question. April flew by so fast that I barely feel that I got to take it all in. I almost completed all of my goals for April, though. That is a triumph in itself. The only one I failed to do was to take some Outfit Posts for this little blog. They are planned out but it's just a matter of taking the dang photos. Being stuck in an office all day doesn't all give me the best light once I exit those doors. 

May already is dear to my heart this year. Many changes are coming about, some things are remaining the same. It's raining outside as I write this post, which warms my very heart. I love rain. It could do this for days and I wouldn't feel sad about it at all. I would though just want to stay indoors, organize our lives, drink too much coffee, and sit down with a novel or two. One can dream. It's the beginning of yet another busy, work-filled week. 

Goals for this month....

Continue the Great Garage Sale preparation. I've only made a small dent in a big, stuff-we-don't-really-need-anymore world. 

Go to the Farmer's Market. 

Schedule a massage. Even for next month. I need it. 

Plan a getaway for our anniversary in June. 

Do an outfit post!! No more procrastination.