Sometimes | The Ramblings of a Parent

Sometimes it really sucks being a mom. There…. I said it. Sometimes I want to yell a lot and slam cabinet doors. Sometimes I want to go into a room and close the door for a while. Sometimes I want to not go down the road of growing our family beyond three. 

Sometimes I want to quit and pout. It’s not my kid. It’s me and I know it. It’s my short fuse sometimes when I am tired and worn out. It’s my heart that breaks whenever I try to leave her anywhere and she goes into pure hysterics. Separation anxiety is super crappy. It makes me feel like I’m not doing something right.

Let’s not forget about when dinner time becomes a battle ground. Thrown food, refusing to eat, crying for things she can’t have. I become the bad guy and I don’t do well with that. 

Or the times when you try something new, like Storytime at the library, and meltdown ensues even when the sweetest older lady is telling a story with her sidekick squirrel puppet. It could have been awesome. 

Sometimes I don’t understand. Sometimes I want to ask her questions she can’t quite answer yet. Sometimes I don't want to say anything at all. 

I don’t want to raise a child that has had everything handed to her. Sometimes I fear that is how we are raising her. I want her to learn the lessons of life. I want her to experience everything and be able to choose life for herself. I don’t want to coddle. But then on the flip side, I want her to be my baby forever and come back to me always. Always. 

The push and the pull of motherhood is difficult at times. It’s hard to let go when I need to and sometimes it hard to show up and be there fully when she needs me most. Being a parent is tough sometimes. It’s hard to discover things about ourselves that feel ugly. Parenthood is also the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need to make sure I don’t forget that. 

We need to get her around more kids her age. I need to be able to walk away and let her cry even when it rips my guts out little by little as I walk further and further away. I want her to discover everything and learn through it all. I want the world for her and I need to make sure she has the opportunities to find it and embrace it all. 

Separation anxiety will pass. She won’t always want to live only on grilled cheese sandwiches and goldfish crackers.  She will come to the realization that the lady and her squirrel at Story-time are pretty darn awesome. 

We are both growing. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes it not. Sometimes you just have to dust yourself off, get up, and try again. 

ONE LITTLE WORD 2016 | RESTORE

I woke up this morning and felt a bit more determined than the day before. A new light, a more articulated reason for striving and thriving. The end of one year and the beginning of another always causes me to reflect and seek out new, fresh determination. I realize it’s just a moment in time, influenced by the world making new resolutions and diving head first into a new calendar year. I love this time though just the same. A clean slate is what I live for..unknown and fresh like a newly fallen snow that hasn’t been touched yet and walked through. 

I am the kind of person that secretly longs for change and hopes for life that isn't just a mundane cycle of adulthood but something extraordinary. Full of hope, destiny, and a thirst for the things and journeys in our lives that we have yet to experience. For some reason, 2016 feels like it will be a year of great change, determination, and of renewal in my life and in the lives of those around me. I feel the low rumble right now, the build up, the grand entrance of things I cannot quite see. 

2014 was the year I became a mom and everything shifted. I spent most of that year trying to keep my head above water and make sure our daughter was growing and thriving. 2015 was really the year of me diving head first into a new job (at the end of 2014) and finding my footing again. Getting out of healthcare was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 2015 was also the year though that I let so many of the creative pieces of my very existence start to fall away. One by one, minute by minute. Aside from church, I haven’t played any music. Long gone are the days of playing shows at dive bars at 12am. I haven't really allowed myself to sit down and write. I always knew the day would come when we started a family and life would shift in many ways but I feel like I haven’t even properly morned my creative loss. 

2016 is new. 2016 is fresh and open and unknown. I have never been more ready to dive in. The past few years I have decided on One Little Word for the year. Last year my word was LESS. That couldn’t have been more true. 

My word came to me this year a few weeks before the end of 2015. It has been resonating and soaking for a few weeks and I couldn’t be more excited to embrace it. 

My little word for 2016 is RESTORE. 

re·store

rəˈstôr/

verb

verb: restore; 3rd person present: restores; past tense: restored; past participle: restored; gerund or present participle: restoring

• bring back (a previous right, practice, custom, or situation)
•  reinstate. reinstate, bring back, reinstitute, reimpose, reinstall, reestablish "the aim to restore democracy"

▪ return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position.

▪ repair or renovate (a building, work of art, vehicle, etc.) so as to return it to its original condition.

▪ repair, fix, mend, refurbish, recondition, rehabilitate, rebuild, reconstruct, remodel, overhaul, redevelop, renovate; More

I have a lot of things I wish to restore in my life this year. I feel like I have lost so many pieces of myself over the last few years. 

I want to restore my confidence and self-worth. I’ve set some pretty intense goals to meet before my 30th birthday this August. I want to take care of myself again and restore that which I feel like I have lost as the pounds have been packed on over the last few years. I will feel good in my own skin. 

I just started a new lifestyle, not diet plan. It feels good. It feels like home. I also just joined Jazzercise (I know how that sounds) but it is amazing and I can’t wait to go back! I will make time for my health. 

I want to restore my creative endeavors. I don’t need to play a show every weekend anymore. Those days are gone for now. I want to just get new strings and pick up my guitar again. I want to make time to write music for no one other than myself. Maybe I will book a show or two, probably without a band, but that’s a start for now and that must be enough. 

I want to restore quiet mornings and focus on getting up early enough to read the Word, journal my thoughts, and just breathe for a moment in the morning. 

I want to restore our financial freedom and have plans to destroy our debt and gain financial peace. Things will be tight. We will have to go without some things we desire, but it will be worth it. 

I want to restore or repair our home to make it the best that it can be. I truly believe that we aren’t supposed to sell our home until we are out of debt. I want to make the most out of the home we have and embrace it all. I want to get rid of so many things that we don't need. 

This has been a long winded post but I am so excited to see what this year brings. 

Start over with me, and create a new, clean heart within me. Fill me with pure thoughts and holy desires, ready to please you.  May there never be even a shadow of darkness between us! May you never deprive me of your Sacred Spirit! Let my passion for life be RESTORED tasting joy in every breakthrough you bring to me.  Give me more of your Holy Spirit-Wind so that I may stand strong and true to you! 

Psalm 51:10-12 Passion Translation