Sometimes | The Ramblings of a Parent

Sometimes it really sucks being a mom. There…. I said it. Sometimes I want to yell a lot and slam cabinet doors. Sometimes I want to go into a room and close the door for a while. Sometimes I want to not go down the road of growing our family beyond three. 

Sometimes I want to quit and pout. It’s not my kid. It’s me and I know it. It’s my short fuse sometimes when I am tired and worn out. It’s my heart that breaks whenever I try to leave her anywhere and she goes into pure hysterics. Separation anxiety is super crappy. It makes me feel like I’m not doing something right.

Let’s not forget about when dinner time becomes a battle ground. Thrown food, refusing to eat, crying for things she can’t have. I become the bad guy and I don’t do well with that. 

Or the times when you try something new, like Storytime at the library, and meltdown ensues even when the sweetest older lady is telling a story with her sidekick squirrel puppet. It could have been awesome. 

Sometimes I don’t understand. Sometimes I want to ask her questions she can’t quite answer yet. Sometimes I don't want to say anything at all. 

I don’t want to raise a child that has had everything handed to her. Sometimes I fear that is how we are raising her. I want her to learn the lessons of life. I want her to experience everything and be able to choose life for herself. I don’t want to coddle. But then on the flip side, I want her to be my baby forever and come back to me always. Always. 

The push and the pull of motherhood is difficult at times. It’s hard to let go when I need to and sometimes it hard to show up and be there fully when she needs me most. Being a parent is tough sometimes. It’s hard to discover things about ourselves that feel ugly. Parenthood is also the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need to make sure I don’t forget that. 

We need to get her around more kids her age. I need to be able to walk away and let her cry even when it rips my guts out little by little as I walk further and further away. I want her to discover everything and learn through it all. I want the world for her and I need to make sure she has the opportunities to find it and embrace it all. 

Separation anxiety will pass. She won’t always want to live only on grilled cheese sandwiches and goldfish crackers.  She will come to the realization that the lady and her squirrel at Story-time are pretty darn awesome. 

We are both growing. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes it not. Sometimes you just have to dust yourself off, get up, and try again. 

Happy Birthday, Little One

At this time last year, we were all hunkered down in our living room. I was trying to keep down scrambled eggs and we watched episode after episode of Dirty Jobs. My water had broken, conveniently when I went to the bathroom and not in our bedsheets around three in the morning. We had anticipated this day for nearly 10 months. I was overdue by 10 days. I knew that if I didn't go into labor today, then the doctors would intervene, against our wishes. I knew that our baby would come into this world in due time but it was almost as if she camping out until the very last second, just a little longer, just one more day. I probably gained another ten pounds just in the ten days we waited past our due date for her to arrive.

I knew going into labor that we wanted to take the natural approach if at all possible. We had an amazing doula by our side. You can read more about our birth story HERE. For as long as I shall live I will never forget the pain and exertion it took to bring Marin into this world. It was so real, so intense, yet almost an out of body experience. I will never forget the waves of contractions and pushing for what felt like an eternity. I will never forget hearing that Marin was turned differently than they had hoped and that was why I had been pushing for so long without really getting anywhere. There was talk of a C-Section.  Luckily, the support I had around me didn't let us get to that point and we were able to deliver Marin into this world still as naturally as possible.

She arrived into this world in a flash of pain and was rushed away from me. I remember hearing her cry. I remember thinking that it wasn't all real, that we were still laboring and in the process. They brought her next to my chest for only a brief second and then she was rushed away to NICU. Our little baby girl. The day our lives changed completely. The day everything was turned completely upside down and sideways. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today Marin turns one. I can hardly believe that I am writing those words. I feel like I blinked and here we are. It's as if all of those sleepless nights and early mornings are so far away now. She now sleeps through the night. She now eats solid food, all the while throwing at least half of the contents from her plate onto to the floor around her. She is close to walking but seems to want to hold onto crawling just a little bit longer.

OUR LITTLE GIRL IS ONE TODAY. 

I am very far from the person I was one year ago. I have battle scars upon my body from the months of her stretching and growing. The weight is still coming off ever so slowly and I have to fight for that so much harder than before. Sleep is a luxury that I don't really miss that much. Nap times are when I am most productive and conquer the world. I have learned how to fearlessly and utterly be attached to another human that isn't my husband. I look into the mirror and the person staring back at me is no longer just a musician or an artist. I am a mother.

I AM A MOTHER.

In all of my years, I never thought that realization would be solidified within me. Now I don't desire to know a life without that piece of me. I am more complete now than I have ever been.

Happy Birthday, Little One. I am forever thankful that you turned out lives upside down.

Weekly Lovelies: Currently Clicking #10

Every week, I gather links of all of the places I have been perusing in the great, grand internet. There are plenty of people out there doing big things and small things. Some of these are practical, some are inspiring. 

I want to make sure I don't forget these some where down the road. 

1. The Ultimate Ikea Shopping List: 9 Cheap, Chic Classics
2. Buzzfeed's Clean Eating Challenge: A 2-Week Detox plan that focuses on eating REAL food. 
3. MOTHER: A new web mag for Moms. Style, living, beauty, food, and travel. It also just looks so darn good. 
4. The Only Pizza Dough Recipe You Will Ever Need. I need this in my life. 
5. 20 Little Ways to Buy Happiness for Less Than 10 Bucks
6. A Beautiful Mess has done it again with their newest E-course: Blog Life. Learn how to make a living doing what you love. I love everything about this. 

Mother's Day: 10 Great Gift Ideas

This year marks my very first Mother's Day. I remember back to this time last year, wondering if that would be last year of not being a mother, and here we are. I have a 2 month old and feel like I have fallen head first into this thing called "motherhood." There's no looking back and I am good with that. I am Marin's mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been compiling a list of some Mother's Day Gift ideas for the mom in your life. They deserve to be pampered and taken care of, not just one day a year, but this is a time where you can tell them and show them how awesome they are! I know I would love any of these items...maybe you don't, maybe you do! Some of these are inexpensive, some of these are a bit of a splurge. I love them all! 

1. Blueprint Juice Cleanse: I've talked about this for a while now and still haven't tried one. I will wait until after I'm done breastfeeding, but I would love to try the Renovation Cleanse. I think it is a good reset button when it comes to seasons of eating too much junk and let's face it, those seasons can happen far too often. 
2. Hello Apparel's Hello Pullover. You can buy a matching one for your little kiddo as well. The perfectly comfy pullover that you can dress up or dress down. 
3. A photo book from Pin Hole Press. My plan is make this series a coffee table book once we hit one year of weekly posts. I take a ton of pictures in life but most of them remain digital. I would like to have some photo albums to actually look through in the future. I barely even have any of our wedding photos printed. That should change. 
4. "I Already Want To Take A Nap Tomorrow" Shirt. As a new mom, I feel this. 
5. DoTerra Mother's Day Gift Set. This now comes with a free lotion as well. These things are selling fast though, so get one while you can. It features Balance, Whisper, and Serenity Oil Blends. 
6. Some mom's might not like this idea, but I would love a good jogging stroller. Let's face it, my body is not like it was before having a kid and anytime I can be working out with her involved is a good thing. 
7. Stitch Fix. This a company where you create a personal style file based on your likes and dislikes and they send you box of items to try on. You then decide which items you would like to keep, pay for those items, and send back the rest free of charge. I have my first shipment coming June 28th. It is a way to find new clothes and maybe step out of your comfort zone when it comes to shopping. I love stuff like this. June 28th will be a good mail day. 
8. Many moms need coffee. I am one of those moms. We have had a Keurig for a while now. We were just talking about how nice it would be to have some reusable Keurig cups that you can place you own coffee in. Case and point. 
9. A Package of Bliss at this fine establishment. I would probably go for the Unfrazzled Momma. 
10. One last pullover from Hello Apparel. "I'm So Tired" Sweatshirt. I would wear this everyday. 

There you have it. What you getting your mom for Mother's Day?