Portrait Nine

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of April. Yet again, just like the months before, April is a ways back in the grand scheme of things and honestly feels like a life time ago. Here we are, behind per usual, but here nonetheless. 

I feel more at ease in this photograph than I have in a very long time. This was from the weekend we spent in the mountains, away as a family. I still look tired, yes, but behind those tired mom eyes, I see a woman that has found the other side of a decision that was a big one to make. Leaving my job at the church was not an easy decision, not one that I ever took lightly. It hung on me for a very long time and being on the other side of it still feels foreign. I breathe in and out differently than before. The air seems different. My view of life and family seems different. 

My father in law mentioned to me a while back that I seemed so much more at ease than I was I before. At first I didn't think so but then when I began to look in I realized that he was indeed very correct. I am different. I feel whole and at peace. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I was before. The act of going to work, working hard, and then leaving it all at the office has breathed fresh air into my lungs, into my life. 

Yes, I still have moments where I wonder how the team is doing, how scheduling is going, and realize that I'm missing out on many things. But, you know what? It's okay. My daughter is always surprised when I tell her that I get to spend the next few days with her and our son. When she realizes that mommy doesn't need to stare at a computer screen or be attached to my phone, excitement fills her eyes and she plans out our day of doing puzzles, playing with play dough, and swinging on the swings. That is what matters. I am no longer overworked and ragged by the time I come home to my family. I am still tired after work and I'm still tired after a day with the kiddos, but it all feels different. 

At ease is great place to be. I like it here. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Ten

Last Wednesday, we took Sullivan to his 2 month old check up. I cannot fully grasp the fact that we have a ten week old already but here we are. I was so curious to find out how much he weighed and how he's growing. As it turns out....he has no problems with growth. This wasn't a surprise to me because every morning I go in to get him out of his crib, he has grown a bit more. He eats like a champ, still every 2.5-3 hours. Sometimes I can stretch is to 4 hours, but that's pretty rare. 

We have a huge baby. I'm not over exaggerating at all. He arrived large and he just keeps growing. Sully is in the 90th percentile in pretty much everything: weight, height, and head circumference. He is 2 months old and weighs 14 lb., 6.7oz! He has grown 3.5 inches since he was born. Just to paint a picture of his size, our daughter, who is going to be four in February, weighs 30 lb. right now. Little Sully, who isn't really that little, is half the size of his big sister! He's also pretty tall so the doctor wasn't worried at all about the weight gain. It's such a relief to have a baby that gains weight well and not have to have the discussions with the doctor about the need to gain more weight. He's going to be the size of a football player when he gets older. 

Marin started preschool last week and I am so proud of her. We didn't have any tears on either day. As long as mommy and daddy escape out of the classroom at a quick speed, she seems fine. She's ready to go play and learn. I really believe that this will be so good for her. She needs to be out of the house and around other children. I know she will find confidence and independence in this new journey. It's good for us as parents and for her as a growing child that learns so much more when she has the opportunity to explore the world around her. 

I officially returned to work on Sunday at church. This was my first full Sunday on the clock and I was praying that everything went smoothly. I was a little anxious about feeding Sully on time and pumping and still actually being able to do my job. I woke up at 4am (ouch!) and fed Sully. I put him back down, took a shower, got ready for the day ahead. Before I left for work around 6am, I pumped so that Ryan could feed him at 7/7:30am. During our first service, I went into the nursery and fed Sully at 10am. Marin and Sully both left after first service with Grandma-doo and Grandpa-doo. They fed Marin lunch at Culvers and fed a bottle from my pumping stash to Sully around 1-ish pm. I got the kids home, put Marin down for a nap, and pumped. Whew. We made it. No one died. Everyone was fed and well taken care of. I know I couldn't have pulled it off without my wonderful husband getting both kids to church and Ryan's parents taking the kiddos after first service. It all worked out fine and I know we can handle Sunday mornings!

It felt so good to be back at work. I'm so thankful for that, especially due to the anxiety I was feeling leading up to the end of my maternity leave. Everything has worked itself out. Our schedules are pretty busy heading into this fall season, but my heart has been overwhelmingly full lately. I cannot imagine our life without two kids now. I have an awesome job that I got to return to with ease. Life is good. 

The crazy family. 

Week Ten. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Nine

Our lives seem to be speeding up quickly into the fall season. Last week was spent with an intro class at preschool, training to be teach parents, and learning that we are the music teachers for Marin's class. I was so worried about which committee we would be on and all that the co-op entails, but I do feel really good about the fact that Ryan and I can use our musical knowledge to meet the requirements of the preschool. I'm not sure what all it will entail, but I'm excited to be able to be musicians with a bunch of kiddos instead of helping with the garage sale or sanitizing toys. 

Everyone loves Sully at Grammy's house. 

Tomorrow, Marin goes to preschool. We will take her there and then we will leave. She will be there on her own for the first time. The only other time she has been in a situation like that is when she goes to the classrooms at church. This mama is nervous. I am praying for no tears and a great confidence to rise up within her adorable preschool self. I know she can do it. I know she will love it. She will get a chance twice a week now to get over her fears and embrace the classroom. 

Sullivan is officially two months old as of September 3rd. He has his 2 month well check coming up on Wednesday this week. I cannot wait to see how much this little guy actually weighs. We switched up to size two diapers already and he grows and grows every day. Every time I go to his crib in the morning to feed him, I'm always a little surprised at how he grows overnight. He has been all smiles lately and is slowly finding his voice. He is awake a lot more often lately and is slowly becoming more aware of the big world around him. His big sister loves him very much and she is always not far from his side. 

Best Buds. 

At Ryan's birthday dinner. 

I am officially back to work, full time this coming Sunday, the 10th. I was planning on not going back fully until the 24th of September but we need the finances and I believe that I'm ready. Two kids is so different from just one. I was in such a haze with Marin those first few months after she was born. Learning to be a mom is a big task. Now, we have two children and I feel like it has been so much easier this time around. Granted, we've dealt with toddler tantrums and trying to get everyone on a schedule, but I feel like I am in a much better headspace than before. Now I just need to be able to feel good in my own skin and make sure I'm taking good care of myself. It's a day by day process. 

Week Nine. 

For fun, here is Marin at 2 months old! 

Sometimes | The Ramblings of a Parent

Sometimes it really sucks being a mom. There…. I said it. Sometimes I want to yell a lot and slam cabinet doors. Sometimes I want to go into a room and close the door for a while. Sometimes I want to not go down the road of growing our family beyond three. 

Sometimes I want to quit and pout. It’s not my kid. It’s me and I know it. It’s my short fuse sometimes when I am tired and worn out. It’s my heart that breaks whenever I try to leave her anywhere and she goes into pure hysterics. Separation anxiety is super crappy. It makes me feel like I’m not doing something right.

Let’s not forget about when dinner time becomes a battle ground. Thrown food, refusing to eat, crying for things she can’t have. I become the bad guy and I don’t do well with that. 

Or the times when you try something new, like Storytime at the library, and meltdown ensues even when the sweetest older lady is telling a story with her sidekick squirrel puppet. It could have been awesome. 

Sometimes I don’t understand. Sometimes I want to ask her questions she can’t quite answer yet. Sometimes I don't want to say anything at all. 

I don’t want to raise a child that has had everything handed to her. Sometimes I fear that is how we are raising her. I want her to learn the lessons of life. I want her to experience everything and be able to choose life for herself. I don’t want to coddle. But then on the flip side, I want her to be my baby forever and come back to me always. Always. 

The push and the pull of motherhood is difficult at times. It’s hard to let go when I need to and sometimes it hard to show up and be there fully when she needs me most. Being a parent is tough sometimes. It’s hard to discover things about ourselves that feel ugly. Parenthood is also the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need to make sure I don’t forget that. 

We need to get her around more kids her age. I need to be able to walk away and let her cry even when it rips my guts out little by little as I walk further and further away. I want her to discover everything and learn through it all. I want the world for her and I need to make sure she has the opportunities to find it and embrace it all. 

Separation anxiety will pass. She won’t always want to live only on grilled cheese sandwiches and goldfish crackers.  She will come to the realization that the lady and her squirrel at Story-time are pretty darn awesome. 

We are both growing. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes it not. Sometimes you just have to dust yourself off, get up, and try again. 

Highs and Lows

I was planning on posting a home design piece today, but something told me to just sit down and write instead. The few people that actually read this blog (thank you, by the way) usually end up reading my more intimate posts than the ones about my favorite cleaning product. So here you go. 

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge. It presented its highs and lows and I tried to take them on with ease and clarity. Motherhood really doesn't function that way, so I am learning, ever......so......slowly....... I caught myself yesterday trying to get through my to do list but then telling myself to sit down, chill out, and nurse your baby. Relish the moment. Be ALL there. Don't think about the laundry that needs to be folded or the fact that I've been trying to workout for the past week and have failed miserably. Don't think about the extra weight around my middle section or how I just don't feel too sexy at the moment. Don't think about the ice cream in the freezer that I don't need to be eating right now. Just don't think. Relish. Soak. 

Marin has been on a growth spurt, as mentioned in my previous post. She has been fussier than usual and seems to think I am ready and willing to nurse her every second of every day. I know this will pass at some point, but I feel fairly tied down at the moment. In these moments, I am forced to reevaluate my to do list and adjust accordingly. 

As far as the lows from yesterday go....

I had finally taken a shower, probably around 2pm. No shame. Once my hair was actually blow-dried and I had on something other than my pjs, I knew we needed to get out of the house, even for a little drive. The weather was INCREDIBLE. 70 degrees and lovely. I had one goal in my mind: an iced latte from the Starbucks drive thru. Driving always calms down baby and I didn't mind taking a little excursion. We went through the drive thru. I was stoked. The simple things are the things you have to reach out for every once in a while. My thing yesterday was an iced latte. 

We made it home, Marin sleeping peacefully in her carseat. I went to take a drink of my beverage and realized that they had given me a very wrong order. I ordered a iced, skinny, 1 pump hazelnut latte. So, in other words, I want a latte with a little, little, little bit of syrup. That's how I roll. Well, I went to take a sip and almost spit it out all over myself. I read the label and it stated that I had been given an iced, skinny, 13 pump hazelnut latte. First of all, who in their right mind orders 13 pumps of syrup (sorry if that's you, but ick)?!!? Major bummer. I can't believe I didn't notice it until then. So, after I managed to get myself and the baby out for a while, I came home with a completely undrinkable drink. I was so not winning. 

The rest of my afternoon was spent feeding my kid and cleaning my kitchen. Marin had calmed down quite a bit and was sleeping peacefully in her bouncer. I went to feed her again and unwrapped her from her swaddle. I was shocked to find the diaper blow out of the century. Instead of going up her backside, it had managed to travel all of the way up the front of her. She was unfazed. We hadn't had a good diaper in a while, if you know what I mean. She had clearly been saving it up for this blow out of epic proportions. I had to clean out her belly button. I bet that paints a nice picture. 

Overall, yesterday wasn't the best of days. It also wasn't the worst of days. So many things were challenging, but so many things were there to slowly continue to teach me about this thing called parenting. The one redeeming factor from yesterday was that Marin slept last night from around 10pm to almost 7am this morning. 7 am. 7 am!!!! I could hardly contain the excitement when I realized what time it was when I got up to feed her this morning. Praise the Lord! 

It's the little things. The baby that SLEEPS at night. The fact that my house is fairly clean. The weather outside has been great these past few days. The fact that I still am on maternity leave and get to spend this much time with our child. The fact that breastfeeding is still going very well. I count my blessings on that one. 

I just need to remember to soak in these moments. Soak. 

Weekly Lovelies: Currently Clicking Week #4

Each and every week I try to gather up some of the places I've been clicking on out in the good ol' inter webs. There's so much out there, so much to weed through. But, this is where I've been clicking this week....

1. I've been researching more about Doterra oils. I'm currently curious about daily routines with the oils. Here's one, another, and another. 
2. I'm dying over these kitchens. Someday. 
3. I'm still obsessed with how other people do weekly meal prep. Once I go back to work, this will be a must to incorporate into our lives. Here's an example, another, and another. 
4. I like learning new things. I like growing in the knowledge that I have about things as well. This website is doing just that. I think it's just so cool. Sometimes you don't need a college class, sometimes you do. 
5. This post would have been helpful when I moved 1200 miles away from all of my friends and family. Sometimes making new friends is hard! 
6. As a mom, I'm really not loving pumping breast milk for my kid. Sometimes though I have band practice or something for work and someone else is watching her. Thus, I must pump. Here are a few tips on pumping: one, two, three. Even though I really don't like it currently! One thing is certain: I need to drink way more water! 

Seattle Bound: Day 1

We are bound for the northwest. We are bound for the very place in which I discovered who I was and the place I am to hold in this world. Many days were spent learning, loosing, and learning how to love my surroundings and the people that inhabited them.

Currently we drive through Wyoming; a barren stretch of wind forsaken land and little gas stations that are just simple little dots on a map. As we get further and further away from Fort Collins, I am a swell of emotions. Much of my mind is directed back to my to do lists back home, all of my work responsibilities that will quickly show themselves the second my suitcase hits our doorstep at home. Every mile marker is an omen of the fact that I can let go of all of those things for ten days; ten glorious days.

When you travel, you have a destination in mind. Yet, part of the journey is letting go of your everyday with every mile and just allowing yourself to live and take in all of your surroundings. That is my goal for this trip. Life has taken us on a wild ride in these past few weeks. I had a medical scare that reared its ugly head into our lives. My beloved neon completely broke down and now Firestone has just given a hefty amount of money to get the poor little thing working again. Work has been crazy, each of us logging too many hours.

But, here I sit facing vacation. Finally. It felt like this day would never come and that I would constantly be glued to my office chair staring at spreadsheets and dealing with employees; that the dishes would continue to pile up and the laundry basket would just continue to overthrow.

This is a swift journey now into my past, which always has its own worries and surprises with it. I welcome the stretching. I ached through that long gone season of my life and now that I dwell on the other side, I find that I have a much greater appreciation for all of the breaking and learning. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be sitting in a car with the amazing man I love, if I hadn’t gone through that season. Those seasons are the ones that shape us, even through the hurt and poor decision making. That season birthed in me so many things I didn’t even know existed.

So, without further adue, Hello Wyoming. As much as I’m surprised to say this, it’s good to see you.

Pondering....

It has been a very long time since I’ve sat down and written something of worth, or even of deep thought. So many of my posts are my latest creative endeavors, my current crafty likes and dislikes, and the sort. I used to sit down and type out so many of my experiences, sitting at Starbucks for hours upon hours at a time, just pouring out my thoughts with no end in sight.

It has been a while. But, I have had something on my mind this weekend. Something good. Good questions stir up the soul and cause us to dream again, to hope, to anticipate, or to reorganize our lives. I like questions. I used to be so embarrassed to ask questions when I was young. I would become so frustrated with my mom when she would ask someone even a simple question. But, after many years of shyness and stupidity, I found that she actually got answers and I was left with an unasked question. Questions are healthy things, challenging things, scary things.

I finished the book, The War of Art, last night. It was a good read; very challenging and thought provoking. I like books like that, the ones the make you think about your life, your art, your own weaknesses and procrastination. Near the closing of the book, the author presents two questions that have been rattling around in my being the past day or so.

“If you are feeling really anxious, what do you do?”

“If you were the last person on earth, would you still do it?”

I believe that these two questions determine the life of an artist, a musician, or any creative being that ever has felt the call towards something other than a life of mediocrity and simply just getting by.

These two questions challenge me. I know at times, I can answer the first question with an answer birthed in the caverns of a musician’s soul. I pick up a guitar. I go to the keyboard. I run for my moleskin and pen. I grab my camera. Yet, in all of life’s craziness, sometime I run to sleep, or overeating, or endless amounts of draining television that just helps me avoid my procrastination and the creative forces that are screaming from somewhere deep inside of me.

That should change. I feel like I used to be a person of such discipline and organization, yet years of hardship and learning some lessons the hard way seem to cause me to run to places I know will only slow me down or take me off track.

That needs to change.

I have been carrying the second question with me all day. If there was no one else to hear my music, to look at my photos, to read my words, would I still persevere? Would I still take the time to create something of worth, even if i was the only one that would be there to realize the birth of it all?

I would love to answer with a resounding yes. But, at times I feel like I’m always trying to please someone or something. Deep down inside though, I know I couldn’t live without the idea of creating something, of writing music, of picking up a camera and discovering an aspect of the world I didn’t see before, of picking up my moleskin and writing my thoughts out on the pages. I also know that God has placed a calling upon my life that can never remain silent. It has been something that was birthed in me long ago and still burns daily, as a constant reminder.

I’m still going to ponder these for a while. I need to.

How would you answer these questions?

Do they dig deep in to you like they did in me?