Why Can't We Have It All?

Have you ever just felt sort of stuck? Unsure? Wading through the unknown and wondering what direction you are going and what direction you are meant to go in? 

That’s where I am at right now. I just feel sort of, well…Blah. Everything seems to be normal and boring around these parts and I was longing for something to shake me out of this funk. I thought some changes at work would do the trick and I feel like I fell short on that one. It wasn’t quite what I was hoping for but I know that God has a plan through that whole situation and I just need to trust Him and not just trust what I think is best for us. I hate lessons like that sometimes. This grand thing is sitting right in front of you and you are longing to just dive in and get to work and then it’s like…. “Welp, you’re doing a great job but not enough to get what you really desire. Keep trucking along!” Hooray. Hooray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability, that is to be sure. 

Then I begin to start feeling selfish and stupid because I do have a great job, we do have a great house, we have a wonderful family, we can pay our bills. Is it wrong to want to succeed? Is it wrong to want to advance in your line of work? Is it wrong that even though I want both of those things, what I really want is to be able to get pregnant again and just raise some babies. But then I hear, deep down inside, the echoes of all of the people along the way that have told me that I would go crazy if I wasn’t working or being a SAHM just isn’t for me…yada, yada, yada. 

Don’t even get me started on how my creative side has fallen pretty much silent, practically dead. I have ideas. I have songs waiting to be sung, waiting to be written. I have books that I want to write. I have projects that I want to create and that I am excited about. I want too many things, it seems. 

Why can’t we have it all? 

There’s really only one thing in the physical sense that is grounding me in this season. As cheesy as it sounds, Jazzercise has really transformed the way I think about myself and my goals. I’m doing a competition right now: 30 classes in 35 days. That means, with my schedule, I have to go Monday-Saturday to Jazzercise. So far, I’m killing it. I woke up at 5am to get to class today. Killing it. I’m going to grasp on to that challenge with everything I have in me for it is keeping me grounded amidst all of the chaos in our lives. 

Sometimes in life we just have to bite the bullet, have the hard conversations, face the disappointments. But, if we are grounded in Jesus and things that make us feel alive, we will find direction even in the chaos. We all go through funks. We all face trials and have triumphs. I want to experience it all on this journey. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes that’s hard. 

One Little Word | 2015

I've been trying to write this post for about two weeks now. It just hasn't seemed to grow into something of worth and I have just journaled about it just about every morning. The words I've scribbled on the pages in those early morning hours just haven't clicked until this morning. 

Many people I know pick one little word for their new year. This one little word becomes their mantra for the year. Sometimes the word finds them, sometimes they seek out the words. I had a word last year but didn't blog about it. My word for 2014 was BRAVE. This was fitting because within the course of 2014, we became parents. Childbirth was a daunting task. I knew I needed to be BRAVE. I knew there was no looking back once we reached that point. Being BRAVE as a parent is at the forefront of everything I have experienced in the past year. I also needed to be BRAVE when it came to quitting my job, the job I had for almost 6 years, and jump blindly into something new. BRAVE was a fitting word. I needed it. 

As I mentioned earlier, my word for 2015 just wasn't coming to me even though I was seeking it out. I wanted something positive but not cheesy. I wanted something that could be used in all areas of my life. I wanted something new. 

My word for 2015 might not seem like a very positive word when you look at the definition of it, but I think it carries a lot of power for this new year. 

My word for 2015 is.........

Less. 

LESS STUFF |  I want to go through everything we own and get rid of a lot of it. I'm sick of feeling like we are growing out of a house that should be just fine for now. 

LESS NEED |  I don't really need a new car, even if I want one. I don't really need 3 pairs of boots that are almost exactly the same. 

LESS WEIGHT |  I want to feel confident in my skin once more after having a baby. It will be a journey, of that I am sure. 

LESS MONEY |  We are moving into a season where I am not making the amount of money I once did. Frugality will need to be common place in our little home. 

LESS STRESS |  I want to wake up every morning and keep journaling. I want to know what is to not say "yes" to everything. I want more time spent with my kid and less time worrying about stupid things. 

LESS OF ME, MORE OF HIM | 

"He must become great and greater, and I must become less and less." John 3:30

LESS WASTING TIME | I want to make every moment count, especially when it comes to my family.  

Are you interested in finding your one little word? Check out this podcast and this blog. 

Rain

I need a fresh start today. A real one. A powerful one. 

Yesterday turned out to be a little rough on the work front and I still can’t shake it. There’s been so many times lately where I can’t take it. There’s been so many times where even though I do make good money and work for an awesome company, I don’t feel like what I’m doing there is making any sort of difference: I am just in the way. I don’t matter. I am not making life better for people that work there but maybe worse. I’ve failed. 

Melodramatic much? 

I know much of what was stated above isn't true. 

At least it’s been raining all night. I almost feel like that’s God little sign to me saying: it’s going to be ok. Remember how I used to wash you of all impurities and mistakes in your life before in the northwest. Remember the rain. Remember My promises. 

Rain carries with it a heaviness for me but also a welcomed breath. I am hurled back to the years of my past the second I hear the rain hit the pavement. So much of my life was once saturated by this rain. So many of my decisions, my triumphs and failures, were made in this rain. It followed me 1200 miles back to this very place I write today, if only to remind me of what once was, what isn’t anymore, and possibly what could be ahead. 

I will probably have some courageous conversations today. I will probably be stretched and need to face my faults or at least what I think are my faults. It’s going to be ok. We all need those days even though most of the time we try not to face them. It’s part of the process. I don’t believe it’s possible to work around so many people and not face this process. 

I needed this rain today. 

I would be entirely fine if it kept up all day and into this evening. 

I declare at this point to NEVER have a soccer mom haircut......

I’ve been greatly pondering the idea of what it means to be a wife, a homemaker, and someday a mother. Daily, as I sit at my neatly ordered desk at my place of work, my mind is swept off with ideas of what’s for dinner, the lack of a maternity leave at said place of work, and the cost of the Kitchenaid mixer that I just can’t seem to get my hands on. 

What’s happening to me? 

These new thoughts and occurrences have lead me to question...

At what point does a girl become a wife? A mom? Suzie Homemaker? 

It’s as if a switch that was once buried deep inside of me has been turned on by some unknown force. As of late, my mind has been filled with decorating my house or making zucchini bread. The simple joy of leaving my work everyday and driving back to our home to spend time with my husband is reason enough for me to simply love my life. 

My desires seem to be changing overnight. I am known to be a driven individual. Always dreaming my way into the next course of my life, swiftly riding upon a wave a music, photography, and an entrepreneurial spirit. I am always seeking, always searching, always striving. Those things will always be a part of me, but not the biggest part, as I am coming to find. 

There’s something else. A spirit of legacy and family. Of banana bread and vacuuming. Of coming home to cuddle with my husband on the couch and talk about all of the business ideas that have been running through my head. 

Yet, many of those ideas seem outlandish compared to what has been placed on my heart. 

And strangely enough, I becoming alright with all of it. Almost. 

For so much my life, I have been consumed with doing, doing, doing. Working, working, working. I was in a place where if I wasn’t moving, I felt lifeless. I wanted to be a successful, creative individual that would do anything to get where I felt I was supposed to go. There was always a song to write, a practice to go to, a photo to take, a connection to make.  

Now my thoughts are filled with a very different picture. I see myself as a stay at home mom/working part time, learning for the first time what it is to truly care for another human being in a way that I have never known before. I would bake that banana bread, have a garden out in our backyard, and go to those play-dates with those so-called soccer moms (although, I declare at this point to NEVER have the soccer mom haircut). The music and photography would still be there, in some form, but not in an all consuming one as I have seen in the past. 

Someday. 

Someday, we will grow a family and a home. 

Words to Follow

This pretty much sums up existence. More words to follow.

Live the Questions Now

I'm Back, originally uploaded by Baily Hollen.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”

Rainer Maria Rilke