Portrait Eight

This photo was taken in March as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month...

This photograph singlehandedly marks the end of an era for me. It portrays a bend and sway in my work-life balance. I took this photograph on my last day of working for Vintage City Church. Around the beginning of the year, I kept feeling these rumblings deep in my soul, like little whispers of change. I ignored them for a number of months and kept continuing down my path of working from home and the office, constantly being on my computer or taking a phone call. I kept having a short fuse with my children (which honestly is still something I struggle with.) I was pouring myself out whole heartedly into a place where I was challenged and grew. The three and a half years I had spent there have been wonderful and I don't take them for granted. 

But deep down inside I knew change was coming. I started to prayerfully consider some other options. I was honestly sick and tired of being pulled away from my family so much when I was home or staring at a computer screen while my kids were scattering toys around me. Change was needed. 

I made strides to bring about change and ended up going back to work where I was before, a pediactric dental office. Working in a church is great and I know I was pretty dang good at what I did but after a while it wears on you. When you work for a church, you are in ministry for what feels like 24/7. All of the time. Never getting a break and time to breathe. I would look at my children sitting at the dinner table and it would hit me like a ton of bricks...

They are only little like this once. 

That's 940 Saturdays with them before they are 18 and are ready to leave the house. 

I have no desire for my children to always see me glued to my phone or my computer. Still there but never present. 

I now only work 3 days a week. Going to the office is like a little mom vacation and I LOVE what I'm doing. It feels good to be back in the business world, in the marketplace. Granted, we aren't nearly as financially stable as before but the trade off has been totally worth it. 

I get 4 days in a row now where I don't have to check my email or answer numerous phone calls. 4 days of freedom. I also have the opportunity now to be way more involved in the worship side of things at church and it is so refreshing to not have a million things and responsibilities on my plate now when I am there. 

The girl in this photograph seems almost like a distant memory to me now. 

I am so thankful for that. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Nine

Our lives seem to be speeding up quickly into the fall season. Last week was spent with an intro class at preschool, training to be teach parents, and learning that we are the music teachers for Marin's class. I was so worried about which committee we would be on and all that the co-op entails, but I do feel really good about the fact that Ryan and I can use our musical knowledge to meet the requirements of the preschool. I'm not sure what all it will entail, but I'm excited to be able to be musicians with a bunch of kiddos instead of helping with the garage sale or sanitizing toys. 

Everyone loves Sully at Grammy's house. 

Tomorrow, Marin goes to preschool. We will take her there and then we will leave. She will be there on her own for the first time. The only other time she has been in a situation like that is when she goes to the classrooms at church. This mama is nervous. I am praying for no tears and a great confidence to rise up within her adorable preschool self. I know she can do it. I know she will love it. She will get a chance twice a week now to get over her fears and embrace the classroom. 

Sullivan is officially two months old as of September 3rd. He has his 2 month well check coming up on Wednesday this week. I cannot wait to see how much this little guy actually weighs. We switched up to size two diapers already and he grows and grows every day. Every time I go to his crib in the morning to feed him, I'm always a little surprised at how he grows overnight. He has been all smiles lately and is slowly finding his voice. He is awake a lot more often lately and is slowly becoming more aware of the big world around him. His big sister loves him very much and she is always not far from his side. 

Best Buds. 

At Ryan's birthday dinner. 

I am officially back to work, full time this coming Sunday, the 10th. I was planning on not going back fully until the 24th of September but we need the finances and I believe that I'm ready. Two kids is so different from just one. I was in such a haze with Marin those first few months after she was born. Learning to be a mom is a big task. Now, we have two children and I feel like it has been so much easier this time around. Granted, we've dealt with toddler tantrums and trying to get everyone on a schedule, but I feel like I am in a much better headspace than before. Now I just need to be able to feel good in my own skin and make sure I'm taking good care of myself. It's a day by day process. 

Week Nine. 

For fun, here is Marin at 2 months old! 

Baby Sullivan | Week Seven

Week seven is here. Every week I say it and I will say it again...time is moving quickly. This week feels fresh and new. We are slowly getting into the swing of things and my heart has been so full the past few days. I look at my life and cannot believe I get to be a part of it, honestly. I guess I've just been feeling extra blessed lately, like everything is falling into place and life is pretty darn good lately. Do I still feel a bit of new baby fog? Of course, but overall I feel like we are landing on a good schedule and many good things are coming in the near future.

Sullivan has given us the awesome gift of sleeping through the night for the past few nights. We had one rough night last week and that was it. Other than that, we are getting much longer stretches of time. We feed him one last time around 9pm and he's been sleeping until 4:30 or 5am. How did we get so lucky? I shouldn't say that because I don't want to jinx it. Seriously though, it's crazy. I wake up feeling far more rested than before. I've just been getting up after I feed him in the mornings and I feel like I'm slowly gaining some sanity and clarity for this season. Being able to have quiet time for even just a little while is life giving.

Another milestone this week is that we had to trim the baby fingernails. Every parent knows how utterly terrifying that can be. Luckily, Ryan always seems to do it for me. He's awesome like that. We will keep him around. We are also seeing lots of smiles lately from Sullivan and I still can't seem to capture one in a photograph. He has been awake a lot more during the day and it's been fun to see his little personality start to shine through. 

I've been making it a point to not just aimlessly look at my phone while nursing him and that seems to be working out well for me. Instead, I've been reading. It's refreshing to not have my eyes glued to a phone screen constantly. Half of the stuff on Facebook nowadays stinks and I'd rather fill my mind and heart with something better. I just finished The Fringe Hours: Making Time for You. I just started Mom Enough: The Fearless Mother's Heart and Hope. 

I returned to work part time last week and it feels good to be back and having some conversations with adults. I hit the ground running and quickly dove into scheduling, finance stuff, payroll, etc. Most of my anxiety has fallen away and I am excited for the season ahead. Also, fall is coming, my very favorite time of the year. 

Week Seven. 

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Why Can't We Have It All?

Have you ever just felt sort of stuck? Unsure? Wading through the unknown and wondering what direction you are going and what direction you are meant to go in? 

That’s where I am at right now. I just feel sort of, well…Blah. Everything seems to be normal and boring around these parts and I was longing for something to shake me out of this funk. I thought some changes at work would do the trick and I feel like I fell short on that one. It wasn’t quite what I was hoping for but I know that God has a plan through that whole situation and I just need to trust Him and not just trust what I think is best for us. I hate lessons like that sometimes. This grand thing is sitting right in front of you and you are longing to just dive in and get to work and then it’s like…. “Welp, you’re doing a great job but not enough to get what you really desire. Keep trucking along!” Hooray. Hooray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability, that is to be sure. 

Then I begin to start feeling selfish and stupid because I do have a great job, we do have a great house, we have a wonderful family, we can pay our bills. Is it wrong to want to succeed? Is it wrong to want to advance in your line of work? Is it wrong that even though I want both of those things, what I really want is to be able to get pregnant again and just raise some babies. But then I hear, deep down inside, the echoes of all of the people along the way that have told me that I would go crazy if I wasn’t working or being a SAHM just isn’t for me…yada, yada, yada. 

Don’t even get me started on how my creative side has fallen pretty much silent, practically dead. I have ideas. I have songs waiting to be sung, waiting to be written. I have books that I want to write. I have projects that I want to create and that I am excited about. I want too many things, it seems. 

Why can’t we have it all? 

There’s really only one thing in the physical sense that is grounding me in this season. As cheesy as it sounds, Jazzercise has really transformed the way I think about myself and my goals. I’m doing a competition right now: 30 classes in 35 days. That means, with my schedule, I have to go Monday-Saturday to Jazzercise. So far, I’m killing it. I woke up at 5am to get to class today. Killing it. I’m going to grasp on to that challenge with everything I have in me for it is keeping me grounded amidst all of the chaos in our lives. 

Sometimes in life we just have to bite the bullet, have the hard conversations, face the disappointments. But, if we are grounded in Jesus and things that make us feel alive, we will find direction even in the chaos. We all go through funks. We all face trials and have triumphs. I want to experience it all on this journey. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes that’s hard. 

The End of an Era & the Beginning of Another

I think part of me never truly believed I would be writing these words. Part of me was so caught up in all the things that working in healthcare presents and supporting my family was found at the top of my list.

 

No more. There is a great deal of freedom now in my life. Last Wednesday, I walked through the hallways of a dental clinic as an employee for the last time. I turned in my keys, my sweaters, and my laptop. I said my goodbyes and gave my hugs. It felt strange, almost like a twilight version of my job, as if it wasn't really happening.

I worked at a dental office for nearly 6 years. That's a lot of years. That's a lot of time. That's a lot of paychecks, meetings, and to do lists. I learned so many things about the business world and working with people and I am so glad that I went in for that job interview all those years ago.

Had someone sat me down ten years ago and told me that I would be working in human resources at a pediatric dental clinic, I probably would have laughed at them and walked away. Ten years ago, I figured I would be playing a ton of music, traveling, taking a lot of photos, and living out a creative life as much as I possibly could. But then, life happened. Life happens. Good life happens. Becoming an adult had to happen and bills needed to be paid.

 

If I have worked with you over the last few years, thank you. You have taught me so many things about myself and my capacity in the business world. You have been a home away from home in many ways. You have helped me strive and helped me live. You have challenged me. I would be lying if I said it was always good. There were times that were tough, times when I wanted to walk away and be done with all of it, but I endured. Transitions come and go and so do people and now I'm on the the other side of it.

 

Just, thank you. You all are wonderful.

This past season has been one of lots of waiting and of wondering where it would all end up. I knew my time was coming to an end but I didn't know the hows or whys. This past season has not necessarily been easy but I believe that our little family have never been in such a good place like we are now. I am embarking upon a new job as the Events Coordinator at Vintage City Church. I am able to use my college degree yet again and use all of the things that I learned at the dental office. I am able to spend more time with my family and make my own schedule for the most part. I couldn't ask for a better opportunity. I was made for a job like this.

So, Toothzone, I bid you farewell. I will surely not forget that last 6 years of my life but I am very excited for the next years of our lives.

Farewell.

A Mountain to Climb & Conquer

I had trouble falling back asleep on Thursday night. I guess it technically would have been Friday morning due to a 4am feeding with our little gal. My mind just wouldn’t shut off the moment my head hit my wonderful pillow. Usually I have no problem drifting off into dream land again for a few hours before the next feeding, but that wasn’t the case this time around. 

I couldn’t shut it off. I wanted to. I fought it. I didn’t win. 

Monday will mark the day I kind of return to work. We set up my maternity leave so that during the last two weeks, I would go in for two days each week to kind of get my feet wet again and then after that, I would return like normal. I’ve been working from home for a good chunk of my leave and have tried to stay on top of everything that I could while being so far away from my place of employment all while caring for a fussy newborn. I have worn many, many, many hats in the last 12 weeks. I’ve learned each and everyday about being a mom, caring for another. I’ve taken online photography courses. I’ve written consistently on my blog and hope to continue to do so. I’ve started another side business with my mother which will be revealed at some point. I’ve embarked into the world of Doterra and have tried to learn as much as I can. 

I have been busy. I will only get busier. 

As I was thinking of all of these things, panic began to set in. On Monday, I will also not be doing my normal job but working at someone else’s desk as coverage. I’m fine with doing so, it’s good for me to do that every once in a while so I don’t get rusty and so I can support the wonderful team that I get to work with. But, then I started thinking about how I needed to pump. How many times I needed to pump. Whether or not I would be able to get away to pump. What if I didn’t pump enough? What if my milk dries up? And so the cycle begins. Over and over and over again. 

I know it will all work itself out and I know that legally my place of employment has to let me pump and provide for my baby. For some reason though, early in the morning, it seemed like the biggest mountain to climb, a hurdle that I couldn’t conquer. 

I need to refocus my mind set. I have a great job, especially one that has allowed me to spend so much time with our child. I can breastfeed. I know that some women don’t have that. I struggled in the beginning, it hasn’t been perfect, but I am so thankful that we have come so far in that area. My child is healthy and is growing every day. We have a roof over our heads. We have food on our table. I have been able to work on the creative areas of my life whether it be writing a blog or taking a photo. I have allowed my mind to breathe and grow in all things entrepreneurial, which is where I really love to be. 

We are embarking into a season of our lives that is like no other we have experienced. Having a kid really does change everything. Even though I feel like some of my dreams have currently been set aside (that’s a whole other blog post and music, I miss you dearly), we have gained so many other dreams as well. 

I just need to remind myself that it will all work out in the end and that no dream is too big. 

A Busy, Working Mom's Cleaning Schedule

I feel the need to add a bit of disclaimer to this post....I am a new mom. I don't know what I'm doing. I am also a bit OCD by nature and like a good list. They keep me line. They help me know what the end goal is. I don't want to portray that I am perfect, especially as a mom. I mess up. A lot. I also don't want to portray that my house is perfect at all times of the day, no matter what. There's spit up in places I don't care to think about. There's a couch that probably has a small colony living underneath it by now. Our laundry piles might eventually be the death of me or our cat, Geoff. Most of my time is occupied by a newborn that sleeps, eats, and poops. This will all change at some point, as it should. 

There will be plenty of times that I don't complete this list every week. There will be times where I will choose to hang out with my family instead of scrubbing my kitchen. There are times where I know I will fall short. These are just guidelines. I work better when I have a list. I might go a week and only get my living room cleaned because we had some spare time on Monday. I am fine with that. I like knowing how other people manage their busy lives, this is just a peek at mine. It will bend and sway and change over and over again. 

I am not naive. I am not perfect. I mess up lots. I'm learning as I go in this thing called parenthood and I have only just begun.

Those are just my thoughts....Now continue on to the cleaning schedule...

I am a bit of a neat freak. Parenting has forced me to back off of that title a bit, but I still take some pride in having a nice, organized, clean house. When my house is messy, my brain lives in chaos. When I wake up to a semi-clean home, I feel like I have a better grasp on my sanity. 

We lead busy lives. With a newborn, I can't devout 3 hours on a Saturday to deep cleaning my house anymore. At this point in our lives, that just doesn't work for us. 

When I was pregnant, I created these two lists. I was too exhausted then to take a day to clean, so I split it up into daily tasks that were still obtainable. I have been using this system now that I'm on maternity leave as well. Once I go back to work, I think I can keep this up, but it might need to be altered here and there. One room only takes me about 20 minutes if I have been keeping up with my cleaning schedule. That is doable. I can do that. 

I have normal daily tasks that I already do. When I wake up or before I go to bed (or both), I just do a quick pick up and sweep of the house. This makes getting up the next day easier and my cleaning task for that day doesn't seem too cumbersome. 

I also have a deep cleaning list. On Sundays, I try to do one of these items. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes my husband actually has a Sunday off and I won't clean then. That's family time. Sometimes it's good to rest and my oven can wait to be deep cleaned one more week. It's ok to rest, people. Remember that. 

There you have it. The secret to my sanity. I have also started using these cleaning products. Any glass cleaner that smells like mint works for me. (I am not getting paid to say that, I just love the product. But, hey, if they want to give me free goods, I wouldn't say no.) 

Happy Cleaning. 

Rain

I need a fresh start today. A real one. A powerful one. 

Yesterday turned out to be a little rough on the work front and I still can’t shake it. There’s been so many times lately where I can’t take it. There’s been so many times where even though I do make good money and work for an awesome company, I don’t feel like what I’m doing there is making any sort of difference: I am just in the way. I don’t matter. I am not making life better for people that work there but maybe worse. I’ve failed. 

Melodramatic much? 

I know much of what was stated above isn't true. 

At least it’s been raining all night. I almost feel like that’s God little sign to me saying: it’s going to be ok. Remember how I used to wash you of all impurities and mistakes in your life before in the northwest. Remember the rain. Remember My promises. 

Rain carries with it a heaviness for me but also a welcomed breath. I am hurled back to the years of my past the second I hear the rain hit the pavement. So much of my life was once saturated by this rain. So many of my decisions, my triumphs and failures, were made in this rain. It followed me 1200 miles back to this very place I write today, if only to remind me of what once was, what isn’t anymore, and possibly what could be ahead. 

I will probably have some courageous conversations today. I will probably be stretched and need to face my faults or at least what I think are my faults. It’s going to be ok. We all need those days even though most of the time we try not to face them. It’s part of the process. I don’t believe it’s possible to work around so many people and not face this process. 

I needed this rain today. 

I would be entirely fine if it kept up all day and into this evening.