29

Today is my birthday. Today I turn 29 years old. The Facebook, "Happy Birthdays!" have already started to pour in and I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed early to write before my day officially begins and the rest of the house wakes up. I wanted to sit in my arm chair, with a coffee next to me and write without picking cheerios up off of the floor and dealing with spilled milk. 

29. 29. Twenty-nine. I feel like I was just twenty-one, playing a show in downtown Portland, in an unwise relationship with the wrong boy, and drinking my first Mickey's, surrounded by friends and pasta in an actual restaurant. That was shockingly 8 years ago. I don't even know me from back then anymore. 

Time has changed so swiftly in the last few years. So many things occurred even in the last year alone, from twenty-eight to twenty-nine. This time last year, we had a 6 month old baby girl and I was still slightly crazed from childbirth, still breastfeeding, still finding my footing in the brave new world of motherhood. I was trapped in an unknown body of left-over pregnancy weight and too many consumed donuts and Chinese takeout. 

My job changed in my 28th year as well and I was set free. Getting out of healthcare was the best decision I have ever made as far as my "career" goes. I don't even want to think about how life would be if I was still there, still stuck, still miserable. 

28 was the year that I played the least amount of music. That realization obviously saddens me greatly but I've come to terms with the dry season I find myself in. You have a child and suddenly this full on life-altering shift occurs and the things that I once obsessed and stressed over seem not nearly as important as they once were. Music is still in my bones. But, motherhood and raising a smart, creative, enduring child is my season. 

People are always asking me, "When are you going to book some shows? When are getting the band back together? Are you writing anything?" I am in a season where I am more thrilled by Marin learning a new word, even if that word is just "boobies." I am on a journey of discovery through the eyes of our child and in this season, that is still enough. It has to be. It must be. 

So, hello 29. I have no idea of what experiences and lessons you will hold for me in this new year of living but if it's anything like the years of my past, I look forward to the next 365 days of life, lessons, and new seasons. 

WHOLE ME | Whole30 Week 1

Lately, I feel like I've been right on the edge of something extraordinary. It's been a slow climb but I feel like I've finally landed on something that feels like home. The Whole 30. Some of you probably know what this is, some of you don't. For thirty days, I am abstaining from grains, legumes, dairy, alcohol, and sugar. 

You're probably thinking..." That sounds horrible! Why would you ever do that??!!" 

Well, I'm doing it because I want to change my relationship with food and finally feel good in my own skin. Ever since I had a baby, a year and a half ago, I have been on a constant struggle with my weight and how I feel about myself. Somedays, I think about it constantly. Other days, I avoid it with everything within me and reach for another cookie and then another. 

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've set out to change that. I want to feel confident and actually love the person that looks back at me in the mirror. I like that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In my mind, I can do anything for 30 days. I tried this about a month ago and failed miserably in the process of getting new floors in our home, not having a kitchen for a week, and then going on vacation and eating whatever my heart desired. My head wasn't in the game. It is now. 

I have been taking photos of all of my meals, in an effort to document everything that I am eating. I have scheduled out all of my workouts for the month and it's been really good getting back into the swing of things. I'm doing a combination of the HIIT program, 30 Day Shred, Yoga Inferno, and PIYO. I will probably incorporate in other workouts if I get bored and I want to take a lot of walks with Marin. 

(Side Note: If you are looking for an amazing planner, check out the GetToWork Book. I am so obsessed. I believe this round is sold out, but she will be releasing them again.) 

Here is what I ate in the first week. I totally nerd out when other bloggers post about this stuff, so if you aren't a fan of food photos, quit reading. You've been warned. 

The one thing about this plan is you cook a lot. I'm constantly washing dishes but I feel so much better about what I'm putting in my body. It's worth it. 

B: Aidell's Sausage from Costco, Fried Egg, Melons, Coffee (Black) 

L: Chicken, Steamed Veggies, Melon

S: Apple w/ Almond Butter

D: Turkey, Paleo Avocado Mayo, Bell Peppers, HB eggs, plantains, guacamole, dates for dessert

B: Scrambled eggs (no milk) with Aidell's Sausage, Spinach, Black Coffee

L: Spinach, Cruciferous Crunch from Trader Joe's sautéed in avocado oil and ghee, Chicken, Grapes

S: Plantains, Avocado, Salsa

D: Chicken Wrapped in Prosciutto, HB Eggs, Steamed Veggies

B: Smoothie (mango, berries, spinach, almond milk) 
*I know the rules are all about not having smoothies. My kid drinks these and still plan to make them.

L: Same as Day 2's dinner

S: Iced Tea (unsweetened), Dates

D: Plantains, Avocado, Chicken, Salsa

B: Banana, Blueberries, Almond Butter, HB Eggs, Black Coffee

L: Turkey, Bell Peppers, Spicy Mustard, Guacamole, Plantains, Grapes

D: Watermelon, Ridell's Sausage, Broccoli, Mustard, Berries for Dessert

B: Larabar, Banana, HB Eggs, Iced Coffee. Later on I had an apple. Hungry at work. 

L: Chipotle! Carnitas, Salad, Salsa, Guacamole. So delicious!! Ice Tea. 

D: (Went to the movies and didn't get popcorn and a soda!) Plantains, grapes, Iced Tea

B: Bacon & Eggs (It was really hard trying to find compliant bacon.) 
L: Tuna with paleo avocado mayo, lots of greens, banana peppers, sauerkraut, and sweet potatoes. (The kitchen sink salad) 
S: Coffee & Banana
D: Sweet Potatoes, Shredded Salsa Verde Chicken, Peppers, Guac, Plantains for added crunch, Salsa

B: Larabar, Banana, HB Eggs, Iced Cold Brew from Starbucks
L: Same as dinner last night, minus the plantains. (I behaved myself today.) 
D: Veggies, Chicken Wrapped In Prosciutto, Pineapple

What I'm Learning: 

1. This takes a lot of prep and cooking. 

2. I need to make sure I drink a lot more water.

3. I need to eat even more veggies. 

4. I need to lay off of the plantains so much. Those suckers are good. 

5. Chipotle is amazing.

6. Sugar is in everything. 

7. I always want to step on the scale in the morning and have to remind myself that I can't. 

8. I love how I wake up sore from my workouts the day before. It feels great to work my muscles. 

9. I need to not snack in the afternoon. 

Highs and Lows

I was planning on posting a home design piece today, but something told me to just sit down and write instead. The few people that actually read this blog (thank you, by the way) usually end up reading my more intimate posts than the ones about my favorite cleaning product. So here you go. 

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge. It presented its highs and lows and I tried to take them on with ease and clarity. Motherhood really doesn't function that way, so I am learning, ever......so......slowly....... I caught myself yesterday trying to get through my to do list but then telling myself to sit down, chill out, and nurse your baby. Relish the moment. Be ALL there. Don't think about the laundry that needs to be folded or the fact that I've been trying to workout for the past week and have failed miserably. Don't think about the extra weight around my middle section or how I just don't feel too sexy at the moment. Don't think about the ice cream in the freezer that I don't need to be eating right now. Just don't think. Relish. Soak. 

Marin has been on a growth spurt, as mentioned in my previous post. She has been fussier than usual and seems to think I am ready and willing to nurse her every second of every day. I know this will pass at some point, but I feel fairly tied down at the moment. In these moments, I am forced to reevaluate my to do list and adjust accordingly. 

As far as the lows from yesterday go....

I had finally taken a shower, probably around 2pm. No shame. Once my hair was actually blow-dried and I had on something other than my pjs, I knew we needed to get out of the house, even for a little drive. The weather was INCREDIBLE. 70 degrees and lovely. I had one goal in my mind: an iced latte from the Starbucks drive thru. Driving always calms down baby and I didn't mind taking a little excursion. We went through the drive thru. I was stoked. The simple things are the things you have to reach out for every once in a while. My thing yesterday was an iced latte. 

We made it home, Marin sleeping peacefully in her carseat. I went to take a drink of my beverage and realized that they had given me a very wrong order. I ordered a iced, skinny, 1 pump hazelnut latte. So, in other words, I want a latte with a little, little, little bit of syrup. That's how I roll. Well, I went to take a sip and almost spit it out all over myself. I read the label and it stated that I had been given an iced, skinny, 13 pump hazelnut latte. First of all, who in their right mind orders 13 pumps of syrup (sorry if that's you, but ick)?!!? Major bummer. I can't believe I didn't notice it until then. So, after I managed to get myself and the baby out for a while, I came home with a completely undrinkable drink. I was so not winning. 

The rest of my afternoon was spent feeding my kid and cleaning my kitchen. Marin had calmed down quite a bit and was sleeping peacefully in her bouncer. I went to feed her again and unwrapped her from her swaddle. I was shocked to find the diaper blow out of the century. Instead of going up her backside, it had managed to travel all of the way up the front of her. She was unfazed. We hadn't had a good diaper in a while, if you know what I mean. She had clearly been saving it up for this blow out of epic proportions. I had to clean out her belly button. I bet that paints a nice picture. 

Overall, yesterday wasn't the best of days. It also wasn't the worst of days. So many things were challenging, but so many things were there to slowly continue to teach me about this thing called parenting. The one redeeming factor from yesterday was that Marin slept last night from around 10pm to almost 7am this morning. 7 am. 7 am!!!! I could hardly contain the excitement when I realized what time it was when I got up to feed her this morning. Praise the Lord! 

It's the little things. The baby that SLEEPS at night. The fact that my house is fairly clean. The weather outside has been great these past few days. The fact that I still am on maternity leave and get to spend this much time with our child. The fact that breastfeeding is still going very well. I count my blessings on that one. 

I just need to remember to soak in these moments. Soak. 

A Few Things I've Learned Lately

I tend to overanalyze just about everything anymore. I think about what I think about, if that makes any sense at all. I've been learning a few hard truths lately. These things are good for me to think through. I need to have these thoughts, they keep me going on the path I believe I should be on. 

1. I am a stubborn, clean freak. Ask the people who live in our home. I'm probably driving them crazy. Actually, I know that I am. Part of me hates that, part of me doesn't really know what to do with it. I'm working on my crazy, one day at a time. Does that dish left on the counter really need to freak me out all of the time? Shall it just rest there for a while? Should it? I haven't come to that conclusion quite yet. 

2. I miss my gym. We need to have the thick as thieves relationship that we once had. My thighs and the ever-encrouching love-handles will thank me one day. Going to Mexico with my work (ie swimsuit freak out time) is only 6 months away. Elliptical here I come. 

3. My will power kind of sucks. Vodka tonics are wonderful, right along with whatever carb I can get my hands on. It's a slow process of trying not to feel too deprived and accomplishing the task of still buttoning my pants every morning without any tears of agony and frustration being shed. 

4. I miss my band. We are sort of in pieces right now and far too often I realize that a piece of me really is missing when I don't let my songs be heard. (As cheesy as that may sound.) This problem must be remedied. I need to do the work. That's about it. 

5. I am a planner. As much as I loathe routine, it is the glue that holds my sanity together. I need to let go a bit more. I believe that would make every week far more enjoyable for myself and those around me. But, I already have half of my Christmas shopping done. So is this really a pro or con? I'm not so sure. 

Pondering....

It has been a very long time since I’ve sat down and written something of worth, or even of deep thought. So many of my posts are my latest creative endeavors, my current crafty likes and dislikes, and the sort. I used to sit down and type out so many of my experiences, sitting at Starbucks for hours upon hours at a time, just pouring out my thoughts with no end in sight.

It has been a while. But, I have had something on my mind this weekend. Something good. Good questions stir up the soul and cause us to dream again, to hope, to anticipate, or to reorganize our lives. I like questions. I used to be so embarrassed to ask questions when I was young. I would become so frustrated with my mom when she would ask someone even a simple question. But, after many years of shyness and stupidity, I found that she actually got answers and I was left with an unasked question. Questions are healthy things, challenging things, scary things.

I finished the book, The War of Art, last night. It was a good read; very challenging and thought provoking. I like books like that, the ones the make you think about your life, your art, your own weaknesses and procrastination. Near the closing of the book, the author presents two questions that have been rattling around in my being the past day or so.

“If you are feeling really anxious, what do you do?”

“If you were the last person on earth, would you still do it?”

I believe that these two questions determine the life of an artist, a musician, or any creative being that ever has felt the call towards something other than a life of mediocrity and simply just getting by.

These two questions challenge me. I know at times, I can answer the first question with an answer birthed in the caverns of a musician’s soul. I pick up a guitar. I go to the keyboard. I run for my moleskin and pen. I grab my camera. Yet, in all of life’s craziness, sometime I run to sleep, or overeating, or endless amounts of draining television that just helps me avoid my procrastination and the creative forces that are screaming from somewhere deep inside of me.

That should change. I feel like I used to be a person of such discipline and organization, yet years of hardship and learning some lessons the hard way seem to cause me to run to places I know will only slow me down or take me off track.

That needs to change.

I have been carrying the second question with me all day. If there was no one else to hear my music, to look at my photos, to read my words, would I still persevere? Would I still take the time to create something of worth, even if i was the only one that would be there to realize the birth of it all?

I would love to answer with a resounding yes. But, at times I feel like I’m always trying to please someone or something. Deep down inside though, I know I couldn’t live without the idea of creating something, of writing music, of picking up a camera and discovering an aspect of the world I didn’t see before, of picking up my moleskin and writing my thoughts out on the pages. I also know that God has placed a calling upon my life that can never remain silent. It has been something that was birthed in me long ago and still burns daily, as a constant reminder.

I’m still going to ponder these for a while. I need to.

How would you answer these questions?

Do they dig deep in to you like they did in me?