Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Portrait Six

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of January. Yet again, just like the months before, we are already into the beginning of the next month. Oh well...at least I remembered to take my camera out of the bag and use it in the early morning hour. 

There's been a lot changing and stirring within me in the month of January. As always, the new year seems to bring a fresh start, a clean slate, another list of things that I desire to accomplish. I've been chewing on my One Little Word for this year and still need to write a post about it, but it's been stewing for a while and I'm almost ready to put it out into the world and embrace it fully. 

In many ways, I am a person that loves the new breath of fresh air that comes when seasons change and years come and go. I am the maker of lists and dreamer of dreams. Some little and minute, some lofty and time consuming. In many other ways though, I am a person that combats change with everything within me. I tend to like my comfort zone in many areas of my life and uprooting myself in certain areas of my life is not a pastime that I wish to participate in very often. 

But, change is coming. Change is already here. Change is inevitable. I need change. I need to change. I need to allow myself to open up to change and let it do its thing every once in a while. Burst the bubble. Hop out of the comfort zone. Be stretched. 

I am being stretched this year in terms of my health and my body. Honestly, I'm so very sick and tired of being so sick and tired all the time. So much of me just wishes I could cuddle up on the couch with my husband every evening after the kids are in bed and eat a bunch of food that isn't good for me in any way. But, no more. I can't do it any longer. I need change. 

I went to a natural health practitioner last week and my eyes were opened up to a lot of food intolerances that I have. Some of them I knew and blatantly ignored, others were a surprise. But, I am making the changes. I want to be able to look at the woman in the mirror and like what I see, feel confident about what I see. 

I'm tired of hiding behind the person I see in the mirror. I know underneath what I see, there's a woman that is confident and healthy, just waiting to step out into the world. I know that in many ways, I was once that woman. Confidently walking through life and then I got married and had a few kids...the effects upon my body from childbirth and exhaustion are a constant reminder of what my body went through. All of it worth it, of course, but I'm ready to focus on myself for a change. As I mentioned in my last portrait post: you can't pour from an empty cup. I'm working on filling up my cup, filling up my life with good for me, wholesome food. I'm listening to my body's cues and needs. I'm taking it one step at a time. 

I long to be able to in the mirror and know without a doubt that the woman staring back at me is confident and whole. Every day is a process. 

Portrait Six. 

Portrait Five

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of December. Yet again, just like the months before, we are already into the beginning of the next month. 

I am now five portraits in on this series and I feel a certain level of frustration whenever I embark upon taking the next photograph. I am usually the one behind the camera lens, not in front of it. I hate to admit how many photos I took to land on this one for photograph number five. This past year has not been kind to my view of myself and I always feel like a photograph never really lies to you. But, here we are. Number five. 

I'm ready for a new year and a refreshed view of who I am. I spent half of last year pregnant and the other half trying to find my footing as a mom to two littles. I feel like I have spent the last 365 days caring for most everyone other than myself. Sure, I did a Whole 30 in October which gave me some light but other than that, I am sleep deprived and haven't taken very good care of myself. That's what I see in this photograph: a tired mom that has poured into everyone else's cup before my own. I am realizing, ever so slowly, that you can't pour from an empty cup. 

Let me say that again...

You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

I always love new years and how the world goes into goal setting mode. I make my lists and really start allowing myself to dive into my dreams. There's one thing I know for certain as we head into 2018, I must take care of myself as well. I'm not totally sure what this looks like yet but I'm willing to ask the hard questions to get there. I'm willing to work on setting aside the time to take care of myself and find rest. I want to be my very best for the people that I do life with. I want to feel good in my own skin. 

Portait Five. 

Portrait Four

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of November. Yet again, we are well into the next month and I am just now getting this posted, but here we are.

Someday I won't question whether or not this is it and if it's enough. Looking back, I will realize it was always more than enough and long for the things I missed or overlooked because I was too busy trying to be super mom and super human, all while having a clean, well kept house with fantastic vacuum lines in the carpet and the absence of sticky messes on the floor. 

Someday I know I will miss having these hangry humans intensely dependent upon me with their unwavering devotion and need for a parent, for a life giver, for a nurturer. Our home will one day be too quiet and I will long for the dishwasher that needs to be emptied and the little clothes that need be folded and put away in tiny drawers. I will miss the bath time at night where the kids plead to stay in for far too long and their fingers turn to little raisins. I will miss reading the same book over and over again at bedtime, a book that Marin can recite by memory alone, with the same rise and fall of our adult voices reflected in hers, just as we aim to bring each character from the page to life.  

In this season of life, I am woman finding her way once more, finding more solid footing. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I am someone that at times tries to hold on to her past in fear of losing the creative aspects of my existence. I am someone that is working really hard to be present in the moment and not veer too far off course. I am trying really hard to find a life that is more than enough. 

Someday, dinner time will look different and I won't stand over a pot of boiling mac n' cheese, stirring it so it doesn't boil over. This is all for the picky preschooler that literally would eat the same thing every single night. I will miss making the chicken nuggets or coaxing her to eat just one more bite of vegetables all the while she absolutely refuses to eat carrots. 

All of this is it and it is more than enough. 

Portrait Four. 

WHOLE ME | WHOLE 30 WEEK 4

I survived my first Whole 30. I ate some cake today for my birthday. I was ok with that. I made it the 30 days. I did it. 

The last week of the Whole 30 was a bit of a blur to me. I didn't do very well with taking photos of my food. I did take some photos but as far as what I ate everyday, I can't really remember. I just remember that I ate clean and compliant to the plan and that's all that matters. Here are a few meals that I remembered to take a picture of....

I stepped on the scale the day after and was pleasantly surprised with the number I saw on the scale. I am closer to my goal weight. One step at a time. One pound at a time. 

I am taking every day now after the Whole 30, one day at a time. One meal at a time. I know now what I can eat that doesn't make me feel like crap. I know what can help me reach my goal weight. I also know that for my sanity, I can't be that strict all of the time and need to drink some wine every once in a while. But, my relationship with food is so much better than it was before. I am eating to live, not living to eat. That is where I need to be. 

In an effort to stick to a budget this month, I have started to meal plan dinners for my family. We just went shopping today for the first two weeks and came in under budget. Eating healthy can be affordable. Really. 

I will probably do another Whole 30 this fall. Now that I've made it through one, I can do another. I just need a bit of a break for a little while. The strange thing is that I already kind of miss it. Who knew? 

I am so thankful for this meal plan. It really did change how I view food and how I view myself. It will be nice to not have to have something special made for family gatherings. I am also looking forward to eating a meal at a restaurant again. 

If you want to change your body and how you think about food....do a Whole 30. I promise you won't be disappointed. 

Currently Clicking #20

Pardon the language, but this is perfect. 

Each and every week, I gather links of all of the places I have been perusing in the great, grand internet. There are plenty of people out there doing big things and small things. Some of these are practical, some are inspiring. This week I am delving into the world of Paleo, realizing how important good real estate photography is, wanting to not sleep as much as do, hoping that I am a good mother that feels good about who I am, daydreaming about another garage sale, and drooling over the new IKEA catalog. 

1. I am slowly trying to remove dairy/grains/legumes from my diet in an attempt to get my skin to calm down after pregnancy and to fit back into my old jeans again. I have been experimenting with Paleo meals and approaches. I want to try these breakfast muffins and these apple cinnamon muffins. I love these Paleo Lunchbox ideas. I want to make cauliflower rice. Also, if anyone needs another birthday idea....I could use one of these.
2. I am a real estate photographer on the side. I am always amazed at the photographs some people place on the internet of their home in order to sell it or not sell it. Here are some absolutely terrible real estate photos.  So many wrongs. 
3. Back in my college days, which are further away from me than I realize at times, I didn't sleep very much. Now I try to sleep as much as possible with a 5 month old baby in the room next to us. Did you know though that intelligent people have one thing in common? They sleep less than the rest of us. Interesting read. It makes me want to stay up later and get stuff done like I used to. 
4. Nowadays, the simple thought of getting into a bathing suit is pretty terrifying after having a baby. Everything has shifted. Everything. Sometimes we lose sight of what really matters. A Mom's Kids Exposed What She 'Really' Looks Like, And Her Reaction Is PERFECT.
5. I've been on a kick lately again of getting rid of a lot of our stuff. We just accumulate so much stuff. Here are some tips of getting the most out a garage sale, not annoying your neighbors in the process, and getting rid of your stuff. 
6. IKEA just released their 2015 catalog. Per usual, I could buy the whole store. But on the other side of things, anything you buy from IKEA usually needs to be assembled. Here are the (humorous, yet truthful) emotional stages of IKEA furniture assembly.