Baby Marin: Week One

I'm tired. I'm a tired that I didn't know was even possible. I'm so tired that I'm not tired and I'm sitting here writing these words to you. I will be shocked if all of my sentences come out as they should, but here goes nothing. 

It has been officially one week and two days since Marin Ryan Hollen came in to this world. I plan on writing out our birth story at some point, but that isn't what this post is for today. Each week I want to try and capture a photo of her. Her element. Her smile. Her grimace. Those sleepless nights where my husband and I find ourselves just staring at each other and then back to the crying little girl in my arms and wondering if we will ever see the other side of that feeding or if maybe we will end up with an only child. 

Parenting is tough. Breastfeeding is tougher than I could have ever have imagined. But, looking back from this time last week, we have completely hit a new stride, even if we are still very far from being where one would hope. 

I know I will look back upon these first few weeks of motherhood and laugh someday. I usually am not showered, walking around with a babe in tow, my hair sticking up in a million places and smelling like last nights dinner. I am more exhausted than I thought possible. I have to remind myself to eat and usually consume lunch around 3pm most days. I am constantly in awe of my husband and his character. His help through the breastfeeding has been so needed. I don't think I could do these first few weeks without him by my side. Our zombie like states have caused us to laugh until we've cried and fall more in love with our little girl every minute. 

I know this time will pass far too quickly. I can't believe we are already a week in. I am anxious to know her little personality and really come into our own in regards to breastfeeding. 

One day at day. One feeding at a time. One minute at a time. 

Week One. 

Waiting for Marin

Tomorrow I will be 1 week overdue. We have spent the past week preparing the last minute details in anticipation for our little ones arrival. I have spent many evenings wondering if this will be the last time I get ready for bed without a little one to keep us company. Will this be the last time I shave my legs in peace for awhile? Will this be the last time I almost sleep through the night, aside from getting up to go the restroom too many times every night? Will this be the last time our little home is strangely silent? Will this be the last time my house is somewhat clean and organized? 

Yet, as I write these words, she still has not arrived into this world. 

We spent a good part of yesterday at one of my normal OB appointments. I didn't think I would actually end up going to this appointment. I figured she would be here by now. A normal appointment turned into a trip to the hospital across the street for a no stress test, some blood work, and an ultrasound. Everything was done in preparation for the possibility of us welcoming our little girl into this world. But, alas, I am not dilated at all, at least as of yesterday, and they sent us home around 8:30pm last night. All of her tests came back with flying colors and it seems that she still wants to bake in there for a little while longer. 

So, we still wait. 

We still receive countless text messages and emails from friends and family. 

Is she here yet? 

Will she have red hair and dimples like her mama? 

Have they talked about inducing you yet? 

*As a side note: Ryan and I really aren't a fan of the whole inducing thing. We would much rather have her take her precious time as long as there are no medical emergencies. Just so you all know. :) There are too many risk factors that come with induction, at least in our opinion. 

So, we still wait. 

We had Valentine's Day donuts because clearly my man knows the way to my heart. 

We are taking it easy and I'm drinking my pregnancy tea like it's going out of a style. 

I am working here and there for the dental office from home. 

We are spending our last days together as just a couple. Soaking it all in. 

So, we still wait. 

My poor, swollen feet. 

Baby Marin's Nursery

Everything is as ready as it will ever be. We are still waiting ever so patiently for our little nugget to come into this world. 

I officially had my last day in the office (for a while) yesterday afternoon. Walking out the doors was a little surreal. I've never had this much extended time away from my place of employment. My 5 year anniversary at the dental office is actually this Sunday. Time has flown by. A lot has happened in the past 5 years and now we wait for the arrival of our first child. I started working there a bit after we were engaged, then we were married, and now we are waiting to become parents. 

The nursery came together better than I had envisioned. What once was an office and then a bedroom for a roommate and then a workout room, now has transformed into our little girl's room. 

Shelves from IKEA. Everyone brought books for my shower. 

My mom made this banner for my baby shower. 

This was my toy chest when I was a child. Made by my grandpa. 

Hurry Up & Wait

Nobody really prepares you for parenthood. It’s almost like there’s this elite club of parents that have been in the trenches and they remain silent.  Everyone figures everything out as they go. Not very many people really talk about the pain of childbirth or the sleepless nights. It’s more of a “oh, you’ll see” mentality. I don’t think that’s necessarily bad, but why the distance between those last few days of being pregnant and then being thrown head first into parenthood, completely unprepared and unbalanced?

You can read the books. You can read the blogs. You can have the conversations with other parents. But, I don’t think it will ever really prepare you for what lies ahead. I haven’t even experienced any of it yet. I’m still pregnant as I sit and write these words. I’m ready to be on the other side and to wander aimlessly through this thing called parenting. There are just so many opinions about everything, it becomes difficult to wade through most of them and determine what will work best for you and your family.

I also have spent many selfish moments wondering if I am losing pieces of myself in the process of parenthood. My nights have been filled with dreams about playing music and forgetting how to play my own songs, panicking when I can’t fit a guitar around my pregnant belly, or forgetting every little thing I have fought for to play music and play in bands over the years. I just don’t want to let go of it. Nor do I really think I will have to, but it will look different.

I want to be a mom and I want to still be me. I wonder if that is completely possible. I hope so. I want parenthood to be just another facet of who we are as individuals and as a couple, another extension of our lives that has been dormant until now. I want it to be the missing puzzle piece that we weren’t fully aware that we needed until now.

I want to play rock n’ roll. Loudly.

I want to take photos and capture moments that otherwise would disappear.

I want to drink a good beer and discover new places.

I want to help a child grow up strong and beautiful. I want her to know of all of the things that she can dream of and accomplish.

I want to fall more in love with my man every day.

I am due in 2 days. I am unsure of when she will actually arrive, but now we hurry up and wait.

Hurry up.

And wait.