This is 32 | A New List

My final portrait from my series, taken on the eve of my 32nd birthday.

11, 699 days in so far in this thing called life, as of today that is. I had every intention of actually getting these words out into the open over a week ago when I rang in a new year of life but...life happened per usual. Work happened, raising kids happened, trying to catch up on sleep kind of happened but who are we kidding, really? 

I have a feeling that year thirty two is going to be a good one for me, one like I've never quite experienced before. Why? I'm not sure how to put my finger on it but this past season has been one of swift and immense change in just about every area of my life. I feel like this new year is going to be much the same and I'm kind of just along for the ride so far.

 Looking back upon my life over the last decade, I never really thought I would be where I am now. I'm back working at the office that I left 4 years ago and it still is strange to me to sit and work in that office once more. Every morning that I go into work, it still feels strange to put on my name tag and walk through those halls.  We have two children, which is still seemingly mind boggling to me in many ways. Becoming a mom has changed me more than anything else in my life. 

As of last week, we have officially transitioned back to the church we called home when we were newleyweds and into the years of our lives pre-babies. I have been trying to be intentional and cry out for my family in this season more than I ever have before. No longer working at church opened up my ears and my heart more to where God was leading us in this new season. He has lead us to return to where we once were. As with all decisions of this caliber, it has not been easy especially because many of th people I was in ministry with, I have been in ministry with for over half of my life. That’s a long time. But, sitting in our new (old) church home on Sunday, I was flooded with so much peace and I know we are where we need to be. Sometimes transition is hard and I have felt that in so many areas of our lives. But lately, I have felt peace the surpasses all of my understanding in this life and I know I just need to keep listening. 

Every year for the past few years, I have created a list of things that I want to accomplish before my next birthday rolls around, as it always does. Now that I am on my way into my mid-thirties, at least in a few years, I feel like it is expected of me to get my crap together more. My twenties feel very, very, very far away now and life looks completely different than I thought it would. Good different, but different nonetheless. 

Here is my list from last year. I have gone in and crossed out the ones that I actually accomplished. There are some things on this list that I have placed on the list every year and every year I don’t accomplish them, but here we are. I know many of you could really care less if I cross off items on my list, but I love things like this and I will probably continue to make these lists for a long time. 

Below is my list for this new year of life....I am now 32, which still seems odd to me in the grand scheme of things. But, I’m ready to dive in to this new year, full of hope even though so many things still feel like they are unknown. 

33 books
Read through the Bible
Go camping
Become debt free
Get another tattoo
Sell our house (This is probably the biggest undertaking on this list...) 
10 year anniversary trip
Family Trip
Holiday Bucket List 
Try Buki Yoga & Lekfit
Secret Thing #1 (Wouldn’t you like to know?) 
Fly in a plane
Farmers Market
Use the library more
No Spend Month
Drive in Movie
Find another side hustle
Fall Bucket List
Play a show or play FOCOMX 
Have pie in Estes
Intuitive Eating
Go to a concert
See the ocean
52 Blog Posts for the year
Stay at the Elizabeth Hotel
Get a massage
Finish a song
30 Day Challenge
Revamp the weekly cleaning schedule
Go meat free for a while
New pick up and tune up for my Martin acoustic
Family Dinner 2x per week and focus on meal planning
Make bread from scratch

This is 32. 

Portrait Ten & Eleven

I am always doing some sort of catch up but at least I'm getting these accomplished at some point. They were taken weeks or months ago. These are part of my 32 Things Before 32 List where I set a goal of taking one self-portrait per month. I haven't been very good at it and really don't enjoy taking my own photo but I made this as part of my list because of that. I need to be stretched. I need to be able to capture where I am at in in a certain season of my life. 

The first image feels very veiled to me. In this moment in time I am debating making even more changes in our lives, even more changes than I have already brought about in this past year. Something has been stirring inside of me greatly since I left my job at the church. Something has not stayed quiet and I feel like we have found a new home and community. I realize this is all very vague but I took this photo sitting on our steps in our house after we had just been at church and realizing mid service that we might not be there much longer, at least in the capacity that we have been. That is a big deal and a very big change. It has been hanging on me for months and I feel like we are finally getting to the point of being on the other side. Soon, very soon. 

This second photo was taken in an average hotel room in Montrose, CO on the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was tired, missing our kids, and ready to return back to our lives after traveling Thursday through Saturday, two weeks in a row. But, the fact that Ryan and I were both able to travel to Montrose for the funeral and see our family was a great gift, one I don't take lightly. I was thinking a lot about family and life, as one does when celebrating the life of another. Life really is short and I have no desire to waste my moments that I have with our children, friends, and family. Those things are what really matters. My job won't matter. Our house and cars won't matter. The number in our bank account won't matter or the number on the scale won't really matter. People matter. I need to be reminded of that a lot lately and I am grateful for the reminder. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifty Two, 1 year old!!!

Folks, we have made it. Sullivan James Hollen is officially one year old. Technically he's now 369 days old but we aren't focusing on technicalities. I was hoping to ring in this one year post with pictures from his birthday bash but unfortunately that won't be happening quite yet....

Marin picked out these birthday toys for Sullivan. 

Most of last week over his birthday the kiddos and myself were are very much under the weather. The sickness presented itself last friday and has stuck around in one form or another until today. We are still coughing a bit and our noses are still red and running. Being sick over your birthday pretty much is the worst. Being sick and having to take care of two sick kids is also pretty much the worst. But, we are slowly on the mend and have rescheduled his big birthday bash to next week. I know he probably won't remember the fact that we celebrated his big day ten days after the fact. Oh well...

He is one. He is one! Our little man, our last baby, our wonderful son is one years old now and every time I look at him lately he seems to be turning into a little boy right before my eyes. Everyday he gets longer and his pants get a little more snug. Everyday he starts babbling different sounds and little almost words. Everyday he gets a little bit more excited about food and shakes his little fists in the air in pure excitement because just loves to eat that much. Everyday he inches closer and closer to getting mobile and I'm just praying that it's sooner rather than later. He is stronger everyday. 

It's hard to believe that a year ago today we were just bringing him home from the hospital. The new baby smell and sleepless nights have slowly worn away and now I welcome any little cuddles that I may get from him because he wants to be doing something at all times and is fascinated so much by the world around him. 

Sullivan made me a boy mom and I'm sure we have many years ahead of us of peeing all over the toilet and around it, fart noises, and rough housing. Maybe he will want to play sports and pick up the guitar. Maybe he will love to read or just prefer to be outside in the mud. Maybe he will love music as much as we do, maybe not. Whatever he goes after in this life there's one thing I know for sure, I will forever be his mama and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

He's growing up so quickly and that does make me sad but at the same time I am loving seeing him grow up into the little boy that he will be. I'm thankful that we are getting past the little baby stage and into the little boy stage. This is when it starts getting really fun. We are finding our groove as a family and it's only going to get better. 

Happy Birthday, a few days late, Sullivan James Hollen. You were made to be a part of our little family and we cannot imagine living life without you! 

Here's Marin at Fifty Two Weeks! 

And for good measure...he's Sully's birth story. 

Portrait Nine

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of April. Yet again, just like the months before, April is a ways back in the grand scheme of things and honestly feels like a life time ago. Here we are, behind per usual, but here nonetheless. 

I feel more at ease in this photograph than I have in a very long time. This was from the weekend we spent in the mountains, away as a family. I still look tired, yes, but behind those tired mom eyes, I see a woman that has found the other side of a decision that was a big one to make. Leaving my job at the church was not an easy decision, not one that I ever took lightly. It hung on me for a very long time and being on the other side of it still feels foreign. I breathe in and out differently than before. The air seems different. My view of life and family seems different. 

My father in law mentioned to me a while back that I seemed so much more at ease than I was I before. At first I didn't think so but then when I began to look in I realized that he was indeed very correct. I am different. I feel whole and at peace. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I was before. The act of going to work, working hard, and then leaving it all at the office has breathed fresh air into my lungs, into my life. 

Yes, I still have moments where I wonder how the team is doing, how scheduling is going, and realize that I'm missing out on many things. But, you know what? It's okay. My daughter is always surprised when I tell her that I get to spend the next few days with her and our son. When she realizes that mommy doesn't need to stare at a computer screen or be attached to my phone, excitement fills her eyes and she plans out our day of doing puzzles, playing with play dough, and swinging on the swings. That is what matters. I am no longer overworked and ragged by the time I come home to my family. I am still tired after work and I'm still tired after a day with the kiddos, but it all feels different. 

At ease is great place to be. I like it here. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Forty Six

This week has been a doozy, one of unexpected frustrations and financial burdens. It's almost strange for me to write these words because most people don't believe what I'm saying until I show them photographic evidence of the spring storm that totaled our car. Yes, totaled...

Tuesday evening, I was driving home from work ever aware of a dark storm rolling in. I knew that I should get home before it hit and that I might not be able to go and grab that drink with my lovely friend that evening at a local brewery as planned. The sky continued to get darker and darker as I made my journey across town to our home. 

We were able to get the mom van in our single car garage. I tend to not park in there very often so we needed to move boxes and a bunch of other stuff. As the storm was starting to hit, Ryan moved the van into safety. Little did we know what would hit next. There was a lot of hail and rain. We knew Ryan's car was probably going to hit with some gnarly hail but we didn't have a garage to pull it into in time. We got the kids ready for bed, potty time, diaper changed, teeth brushed, stories read. In the course of probably about ten minutes, the storm hit hard. 

After the kids were in bed, we looked outside to a sight I wasn't expecting. Our entire street (we live in a cul-de-sac) was under water. The water was reaching up our drive way. Our neighbor's mail box was almost underwater. Ryan's car was toast. If only we had moved it up on the driveway, it would have been safe. But, our car is ruined. We vacuumed out 25 gallons of water the next day. The city had to come and haul away all of the hail. I couldn't even drive out of our street the next day...in the month of May! Our neighbor's basement has flooded. Numerous cars have been totaled. We have all been picking up the pieces this week. 

I want to cast blame to our neighbor that loves to blow all of his yard debris and leaves into the storm drain pretty much every day. That probably has a lot to do with it and it irritates me that he's already back at it with his leaf blower. The storm drain filled so quickly that it couldn't handle the storm.  But, this freak storm obviously wasn't planned. So now, we have a rental and get to go car shopping. Big bummer. It's been a crazy week. 

But, even in the midst of this situation, Sullivan is growing like crazy and is forty six weeks old. He's so close to crawling and I can't wait to write those words...it will happen soon. I know it. We are giving him lots of floor time even though he still hates it. He's close. 

Sullivan also decided that he was done nursing this week. I was not ready yet and was hoping to make it to one year, even though we were only nursing once, maybe twice a day. But, we woke up one day and he just decided that he didn't want to any longer. He's our last baby and this mama heart wasn't quite ready for this abrupt change. Luckily I had been only feeding him once or twice a day so I'm not in nearly as much pain as I was when Marin quite nursing. Now I walk around smelling like peppermint oil because it helps ease the pain. At least I smell minty fresh. My little baby is growing up so quickly. 

I'm ready for a new week. I'm not ready to go buy another car but that's what has to be done. I plan on working with Sully a lot with crawling this week. Hopefully we will get some time spent getting dirty outside in the sunshine. Hopefully there are no more freak storms. Lord willing and the creek don't rise. Literally. 

Here's Marin at week forty six. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Forty Three

We have been back from vacation for more than a week now and most of our days are spent fairly similar from the one before and the one before that. I wake each morning in the routine of nursing Sullivan, walking downstairs to the coffee pot, and sitting in my chair in the living room, waiting and searching through the quite moments before the rest of the house awakens. 

Marin usually stirs anywhere between 6am and 630am. I try to keep her in her room as long as possible, constantly urging her to play with her ponies or turn on her little light and read a few more books before I have to leave my wonderful chair and start the day. I usually don't hold out for long. After she wakes, she helps me wake up Daddy and go get Sullivan out of his crib. Most of the time after I nurse him early in the morning, he falls back asleep, if only for a little while. 

Then we all have breakfast at the table in the kitchen. This is usually one of the only meals during our chaotic weeks where we are all sitting down at the table and eating at the same time, even if it's only for fifteen minutes  Dinner usually consists of me feeding the kiddos before Ryan gets home from work and then Ryan and I eat dinner after the kids are in bed. Someday, in a perfect world, I long to have family dinners on a weekly basis. I want to gather together and hear how everyones day was and actually all eat the same exact thing. Right now I feel like a short order chef that makes two to three different meal options on any given night. I also want more times spent with friends over meals. We had some friends over for pizza last weekend and it was so refreshing. The kiddos also enjoyed playing together. 

Depending on the day and if I am working, I either hop up stairs to finish getting ready or hop in the shower. Then we get the kiddos dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed. The next thing that occurs on the non-working days is that I do a quick clean of the house and then we begin our day. Cleaning is followed by Sullivan's morning nap....then lunch....then quiet time/naptime...then getting ready for dinner....eating dinner...tubby time....bedtime routine...

Lather...Rinse...And Repeat. 

Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoy the predictability of our days for the most part. In between meal times and nap times, we are working on trying to help Sullivan crawl. We spend a lot of time on the floor with toys scattered all over the place. Marin loves to color, do puzzles, watch some TV. Both kids would be outside all day if it was an option. I know I need to get them out much more than I do and I want to make that my goal on the days when I am home with them. Marin loves to ride her scooter and is learning how to pedal her bike a lot better now that she can confidently reach and push the pedals. Sullivan is perfectly content on a blanket out in the lawn surrounded by things he can throw around and chew on. They both enjoy stroller rides in the double stroller. 

Another consistent thing I usually enjoy for the most part is bath time. We only bathe the kiddos every few days unless they've really made a mess of themselves. Sometimes that happens and I am all for the need to wash dirty kiddos. That just means that they were living life to the fullest. Last week we had a first time parenting moment...Sullivan pooped in the tub. Luckily he was still in his little bath tub inside of the bathtub where Marin was. Had he pooped in her water...that would have been an entirely other situation. But, there's a first time for everything! I don't believe Marin ever did that. It was comical to say the least. 

Here's Marin at Week Forty Three. 

Portrait Eight

This photo was taken in March as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month...

This photograph singlehandedly marks the end of an era for me. It portrays a bend and sway in my work-life balance. I took this photograph on my last day of working for Vintage City Church. Around the beginning of the year, I kept feeling these rumblings deep in my soul, like little whispers of change. I ignored them for a number of months and kept continuing down my path of working from home and the office, constantly being on my computer or taking a phone call. I kept having a short fuse with my children (which honestly is still something I struggle with.) I was pouring myself out whole heartedly into a place where I was challenged and grew. The three and a half years I had spent there have been wonderful and I don't take them for granted. 

But deep down inside I knew change was coming. I started to prayerfully consider some other options. I was honestly sick and tired of being pulled away from my family so much when I was home or staring at a computer screen while my kids were scattering toys around me. Change was needed. 

I made strides to bring about change and ended up going back to work where I was before, a pediactric dental office. Working in a church is great and I know I was pretty dang good at what I did but after a while it wears on you. When you work for a church, you are in ministry for what feels like 24/7. All of the time. Never getting a break and time to breathe. I would look at my children sitting at the dinner table and it would hit me like a ton of bricks...

They are only little like this once. 

That's 940 Saturdays with them before they are 18 and are ready to leave the house. 

I have no desire for my children to always see me glued to my phone or my computer. Still there but never present. 

I now only work 3 days a week. Going to the office is like a little mom vacation and I LOVE what I'm doing. It feels good to be back in the business world, in the marketplace. Granted, we aren't nearly as financially stable as before but the trade off has been totally worth it. 

I get 4 days in a row now where I don't have to check my email or answer numerous phone calls. 4 days of freedom. I also have the opportunity now to be way more involved in the worship side of things at church and it is so refreshing to not have a million things and responsibilities on my plate now when I am there. 

The girl in this photograph seems almost like a distant memory to me now. 

I am so thankful for that. 

Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Seven

This week has felt long and tiring but we made it to Saturday and for that I am thankful. The days are so full lately with my job switch. I feel like I'm juggling a million things at once in an effort to leave well. I don't know who is taking my job over so the added unknowns of that have been weighing on me. I would love to be able to train whoever this person is so I can sleep soundly at night and not fret about whether or not teams have been scheduled and confirmed. I know, I know. I am the one that decided to move to a different job. I am the one that wanted to make this big switch. I am thankful for all of the change lately but will be very excited to be on the other side of it and working at the new job. I'm ready to dive in. 

With the craziness of this week, Sully and I have been a little under the weather. I've been fighting a sore throat all week and it's now moved into my sinuses. Hopefully today is the last day of it because I am leading worship tomorrow at church and I need to be able to sing without sounding like my head is full of snot, which is currently is. So lovely. 

Sully has been teething like crazy. His top two teeth are finally breaking through the gums. Teething plus a stuffy nose for him has made a few of our nights and early mornings pretty crappy. He wakes up wanting to nurse but then doesn't want to nurse because I think laying down on his side like that makes his sinuses and mouth hurt. Poor little dude. At least the teeth are breaking through. It looks like all of his top teeth are just right below the surface of his gums, just waiting to burst forth. Teething is so rough at times but I know it's something that we just have to get through. 

Marin had her 4 year well check on Monday and is doing well. She weighs just shy of 32 lbs and is 3 feet 3.5 inches tall. She is in the petite category and percentile, which doesn't surprise me. She did so well at her appointment. The vision test went well, the hearing test went well. We did get a few shots before she starts kindergarten, which is never fun. Luckily, she won't need any more until she's in middle school. But, she was such a trooper. She has a skin condition as well that we've been monitoring and putting steroid cream on. Luckily, we can now quit using the cream unless it flairs up again. I fully believe that Jesus will heal her of it though. The doctors stated that she could have it for the rest of her life, but Jesus heals, of that I am certain. We stopped and got hot chocolate and sour gummy worms at Daddy's grocery store where he works afterwards. I'm glad that appointment is over. Now she will just have a dentist appointment in April but it will be where I will be working so hopefully that will go better than it has in the past. 

Sullivan's 9 month appointment will be in a few weeks and I'm curious to see how he is growing. He's not even 9 months yet but wears mostly 18 month clothing. He is a tank and we love him for that. We are still hauling him around in his infant car seat. I'm trying to make it last as long as possible but soon, very soon, we will have to switch to a different car seat. 

I'm ready to dive into this next week, finish my time at the church, and embark on something new. I'm ready to have everyone in our home healthy and happy. I just keep realizing the importance of taking care of myself so that I can care well for my family. One day at a time. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Seven. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Six

This past week has been crazy, even though our home is pretty much back to normal after the kitchen cabinet remodel. I am very thankful to have dinner at our kitchen table in our actual kitchen. Not having a kitchen with two small children was quite the adventure. I'll be posting about the cabinets in the next few days or so. I still need to take some "after" photos. I love them. They are so great and clean and I don't have to ever paint them ever again. Hallelujah. 

Many things have been changing this week and I'm just trying to grasp all of it. Granted, most of the change has been at my hand, but nonetheless, our lives have been all over the place lately. Some of you know this, some of you do not but I guess now is a better time as any to tell you all out in the grand internet....

I gave my two weeks notice at the church I work for, at least in the administrative role that I have been in the past few years. For the past few years, I have lived and breathed all things admin. It has been a wild ride but I really started to feel the need for more consistency in our schedule and I really, really, really want to be able to raise our own children. Now I know that sounds like I quit my job and am not replacing it with another, but that is not how this story ends. Long story short...I'm going back to the pediatric dental office I was at for nearly 6 years of my life. Many people probably think I'm crazy but I need a job I can go to, work hard at all day, then walk out the doors and leave it there. With working in a church and in ministry, it's 24/7 in one capacity or another. I think if we didn't have children, this would all look so different but for now, I'm going back to the dental world, part time. I also am still going to be even more involved in worship at church and I'm looking forward to diving deeper into that part of me once more. That part has been dormant for far too long. I've been involved but I have always had a million other administrative responsiblities taking up space in my head. It will be nice to not have to worry about all of that and just focus again in the place my heart really longs for. 

Anyways...enough about me. Sullivan is thirty six weeks old. His top two teeth are going to break through any day now and he's had quite a bit of teething pain this week. His normal demeanor is super chill to begin with so I know when he's hurting. Poor dude. Teething is pretty much the worst. 

He's been eating like a champ. The dude loves eat. His current favorites are meatballs, tortellini, peas, carrots, avocados, hummus, and bananas. He eats better than Marin most days. The girl knows what she likes and pretty much refuses to steer away from that. I know that's mostly our fault as parents...too many cheeseburgers...not enough broccoli. 

I have been trying to not nurse or pump quite as much and keep end up being in way too much pain. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I was trying to get down to one pumping session during the day at work, especially with the new job coming up and just feed him in the morning and at night. But, we aren't quite there yet. I need to slowly back off of all the feedings and supplement instead of going almost cold turkey. My body gets all confused and in pain when I drastically start changing feeding times and frequencies. Breastfeeding has been great this time around and I am definitely not ready to give it up completely. 

Marin has been on Spring Break this week and it's been nice with all of my work craziness to not have her in school for a few days. She's had one slumber party already with the grandparents and she will be with the other set of grandparents tomorrow evening with her cousin. Marin loves sleepovers but I feel like they wipe her out so much. When she finally does sleep, she sleeps hard. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Six.  The crazy thing is that when I posted her week thirty six, I had just changed jobs to the job that I just gave my notice at this week. Life is crazy sometimes. 

Week Thirty Six.