Highs and Lows

I was planning on posting a home design piece today, but something told me to just sit down and write instead. The few people that actually read this blog (thank you, by the way) usually end up reading my more intimate posts than the ones about my favorite cleaning product. So here you go. 

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge. It presented its highs and lows and I tried to take them on with ease and clarity. Motherhood really doesn't function that way, so I am learning, ever......so......slowly....... I caught myself yesterday trying to get through my to do list but then telling myself to sit down, chill out, and nurse your baby. Relish the moment. Be ALL there. Don't think about the laundry that needs to be folded or the fact that I've been trying to workout for the past week and have failed miserably. Don't think about the extra weight around my middle section or how I just don't feel too sexy at the moment. Don't think about the ice cream in the freezer that I don't need to be eating right now. Just don't think. Relish. Soak. 

Marin has been on a growth spurt, as mentioned in my previous post. She has been fussier than usual and seems to think I am ready and willing to nurse her every second of every day. I know this will pass at some point, but I feel fairly tied down at the moment. In these moments, I am forced to reevaluate my to do list and adjust accordingly. 

As far as the lows from yesterday go....

I had finally taken a shower, probably around 2pm. No shame. Once my hair was actually blow-dried and I had on something other than my pjs, I knew we needed to get out of the house, even for a little drive. The weather was INCREDIBLE. 70 degrees and lovely. I had one goal in my mind: an iced latte from the Starbucks drive thru. Driving always calms down baby and I didn't mind taking a little excursion. We went through the drive thru. I was stoked. The simple things are the things you have to reach out for every once in a while. My thing yesterday was an iced latte. 

We made it home, Marin sleeping peacefully in her carseat. I went to take a drink of my beverage and realized that they had given me a very wrong order. I ordered a iced, skinny, 1 pump hazelnut latte. So, in other words, I want a latte with a little, little, little bit of syrup. That's how I roll. Well, I went to take a sip and almost spit it out all over myself. I read the label and it stated that I had been given an iced, skinny, 13 pump hazelnut latte. First of all, who in their right mind orders 13 pumps of syrup (sorry if that's you, but ick)?!!? Major bummer. I can't believe I didn't notice it until then. So, after I managed to get myself and the baby out for a while, I came home with a completely undrinkable drink. I was so not winning. 

The rest of my afternoon was spent feeding my kid and cleaning my kitchen. Marin had calmed down quite a bit and was sleeping peacefully in her bouncer. I went to feed her again and unwrapped her from her swaddle. I was shocked to find the diaper blow out of the century. Instead of going up her backside, it had managed to travel all of the way up the front of her. She was unfazed. We hadn't had a good diaper in a while, if you know what I mean. She had clearly been saving it up for this blow out of epic proportions. I had to clean out her belly button. I bet that paints a nice picture. 

Overall, yesterday wasn't the best of days. It also wasn't the worst of days. So many things were challenging, but so many things were there to slowly continue to teach me about this thing called parenting. The one redeeming factor from yesterday was that Marin slept last night from around 10pm to almost 7am this morning. 7 am. 7 am!!!! I could hardly contain the excitement when I realized what time it was when I got up to feed her this morning. Praise the Lord! 

It's the little things. The baby that SLEEPS at night. The fact that my house is fairly clean. The weather outside has been great these past few days. The fact that I still am on maternity leave and get to spend this much time with our child. The fact that breastfeeding is still going very well. I count my blessings on that one. 

I just need to remember to soak in these moments. Soak. 

Baby Marin's Wish List

It's no secret that there are a million baby things to buy in this world. Some of them you need, some of them you want. I find myself enjoying dressing my child more than myself. Most of my days are spent in yoga pants while on maternity leave. 

Baby Marin's Current Wish List: 

(which really means, here is a bunch of stuff mom wants to get her) 

1. Baby Jives Silver Star Cloud Mobile
2. Little Hip Squeaks Onyx Strip Tunic Dress
3. Hello Apparel Onesie 
4. Comotomo Bottles 
5. Freshly Picked Baby Moccasins
6. Little Hip Squeaks Cozy Romper  

Baby Marin's Birth Story

3 weeks and a few days ago, our lives were forever changed. We waited ever so patiently for our little girl to make her way into this world. I was ten days past my due date. People were consistently asking me whether or not I had a baby yet. I started to not answer the text messages and phone calls because it felt like she was just going to stay in there forever. (Sorry if I ignored any of you.) I spent many times wondering if this was it. We even had two false starts that ended up at the hospital only to be sent home after blood was drawn, baby was monitored, and ultrasounds were completed. 

I knew she would come when she was ready, but I was impatient. But, at the same time, I didn't want to try any of the old wives tales to try and get her out quicker. I wanted her to come in due time.

And she did. I won't ever be the same.

Our birth plan going into all of this was to labor without medication or an epidural. I wanted to see what my body could handle, to discover a strength I didn't know I had.

Monday night (February 17th), I began to start tracking my contractions with more consistency. What I didn't realize at the time was that these were still pretty wimpy,  Braxton Hicks-like contractions. We went to bed far too late that night because I didn't want to fall asleep but knew I should. I watched too many episodes of the Gilmore Girls before finally drifting off.

Around 3:30am, I got up to go the bathroom only to realize that my water broke. I knew it was game time and went and woke up Ryan.

Our doula, Tamara, came to our house at around 4:15 that morning. I started to experience true contractions. Gut-wreching and painful. They were nothing like the contractions I had been experiencing in the weeks prior. With each new wave, I knew that it would be a long day. I just kept telling myself that this was it. She would be here at some point either today or the next. The process had begun and I just needed to buckle down and face it. These were the hours that would be life changing.

One of the things I will forever remember while laboring at home was the fact that Ryan, Tamara, and I just sat in our living room and watched episode after episode of the show Dirty Jobs. That show will now forever remind me of that day. Tamara made us some eggs early that morning and I promptly managed to throw them all up. That happened a few times.

A bath and shower later, I managed to get some pjs back on and we knew we were headed for the hospital. I never realized how bumpy Mulberry Street is on the way to the hospital. Every. Little. Bump. Prospect has road construction so we knew to avoid it. We arrived at the hospital around 11 am, got into our birthing room, and was promptly hooked up to the monitors to see how baby was doing.

At this point I was 8 cm.

I sat in the bath for a while after we arrived and just kind of took the waves of contractions again and again. The pain was pretty unreal, but I knew it would all be worth it. I sat on a birthing ball for a while after that.

I started pushing around 1pm. I'm not really sure of the time stamp by now. I pushed for 3 hours which was an experience like no other. We tried different positions and tactics. There were so many times where I wanted to give up, the pain was overwhelming. I didn't think I could possibly push anymore. I almost felt like I was experiencing all of this outside of myself.

During one of my checks, the doctor and nurses discovered that Marin was facing "sunny side up." This would explain why she was taking so long to make it through the birth canal. There was discussion of an epidural and even a C-Section. I knew I didn't want that. I hadn't worked this long and hard just to go in that direction. Since I had been pushing for what seemed like forever, we decided to have some pain meds pumped through my IV. I was exhausted. I didn't think I could push any more. I knew I needed to get her out into this world.

So, I had some meds. At first this bugged me, but within about ten minutes after it was administered, Marin made her entrance into this world. It was the final push (pun intended) that I needed to get her out.

She arrived at 4:28 pm on February 18th. 8 pounds 4 ounces, 21 inches long. I heard her cries for the first time. She was rushed off to the side because of her traumatic entrance. Her head was shaped like a cone when she arrived. They had to place her on oxygen. I was only able to see her for a split second, tears forming in my eyes, and then she was taken to NICU due to a running a temperature.

This is the part that I didn't like. I wasn't able to breastfeed my baby right away. Skin to skin. She was away from me for a good 3 hours. I believe that this is part of the reason why we had so much difficulty breastfeeding in the beginning. I didn't get that time.

But, overall, after 14 hours of pain like I had never experienced before, our little girl was here. That was all that mattered.

It was all totally worth it. I will never forget this day. It changed me in so many ways.

Baby Marin: Week Two

I have lost all track of time. Somehow it has already been two whole weeks since the birth of our child. How is that even possible? I'm sure I will probably say something similar in every single one of these weekly posts, but that is just more reason to savor every minute. I'm still learning how to do that and not obsessively clean my kitchen instead. Baby steps. My obsessive compulsive ways are slowly learning how to chill out. Slowly. 

I read this quote somewhere, where I'm not sure, so if anyone knows let me know....

The days are long but the years are short. 

That has been ringing so true in these past few days. We are tired, but we endure. We are building a family and the years are going to pass far too quickly in the grand scheme of things. We will have a toddler before we know it. Then we she will be wanting to date boys and drive cars and go off to college and I will be puddle of tears somewhere because our baby grew up too fast. I don't want to wish away these moments even when they can be so difficult. They are important. 

I have been stretched beyond anything I thought possible in the last two weeks. Exhaustion. Speaking delirious sentences to my husband late at night because my brain doesn't know how to fully shut off and sleep when I can. 

We have had small triumphs though. Breastfeeding is slowly becoming normal to me. It isn't such a struggle. I am beginning to really try and cherish that time that I have of being so close to little Marin. Those moments are fleeting. I need to remember that. 

Hold your children close today. Cherish the simple moments. Ignore the dishes. 

The days are long but years are short. 

I couldn't resist. 

Baby Marin: Week One

I'm tired. I'm a tired that I didn't know was even possible. I'm so tired that I'm not tired and I'm sitting here writing these words to you. I will be shocked if all of my sentences come out as they should, but here goes nothing. 

It has been officially one week and two days since Marin Ryan Hollen came in to this world. I plan on writing out our birth story at some point, but that isn't what this post is for today. Each week I want to try and capture a photo of her. Her element. Her smile. Her grimace. Those sleepless nights where my husband and I find ourselves just staring at each other and then back to the crying little girl in my arms and wondering if we will ever see the other side of that feeding or if maybe we will end up with an only child. 

Parenting is tough. Breastfeeding is tougher than I could have ever have imagined. But, looking back from this time last week, we have completely hit a new stride, even if we are still very far from being where one would hope. 

I know I will look back upon these first few weeks of motherhood and laugh someday. I usually am not showered, walking around with a babe in tow, my hair sticking up in a million places and smelling like last nights dinner. I am more exhausted than I thought possible. I have to remind myself to eat and usually consume lunch around 3pm most days. I am constantly in awe of my husband and his character. His help through the breastfeeding has been so needed. I don't think I could do these first few weeks without him by my side. Our zombie like states have caused us to laugh until we've cried and fall more in love with our little girl every minute. 

I know this time will pass far too quickly. I can't believe we are already a week in. I am anxious to know her little personality and really come into our own in regards to breastfeeding. 

One day at day. One feeding at a time. One minute at a time. 

Week One. 

Baby Marin: An Update

I haven't written in a few weeks and for that I am sorry. 

The last post had me waiting for news on our little girl. 

The news we received was good. The news we received only met our ears because of all of you wonderful people praying so fervently for our little Marin. 

I am overwhelmed by the power of prayer. I am overwhelmed by this whole process of bringing a new life into this crazy world. 

My fluids are slowly increasing. I still am drinking water like crazy and trying to take it easy. 

Baby Marin is still measuring a little behind but she is growing, by God, she is growing. 

We return to the specialist this Monday and will probably continue to do so through the rest of my pregnancy. 

Thank you for you prayers and your kind words. Our little growing family is extremely blessed. 

Thank You. 

I feel my nesting obsession slowly creeping into our home. I am ready to decorate a nursery. We are starting to talk about baby showers. I

currently am craving sprinkled donuts (only the cake kind) and honey crisp apples. My belly is growing at an alarming rate and sleep is starting to become a bit of a challenge. I am obsessively watching the X-files all the way through for the third time in my life. 

I am fine with all of these things. As long as she is growing big and strong. 

I currently sit here at 23 weeks and 3 days. My little phone app states that we have around 117 more days to go.

Here we go. 

I declare at this point to NEVER have a soccer mom haircut......

I’ve been greatly pondering the idea of what it means to be a wife, a homemaker, and someday a mother. Daily, as I sit at my neatly ordered desk at my place of work, my mind is swept off with ideas of what’s for dinner, the lack of a maternity leave at said place of work, and the cost of the Kitchenaid mixer that I just can’t seem to get my hands on. 

What’s happening to me? 

These new thoughts and occurrences have lead me to question...

At what point does a girl become a wife? A mom? Suzie Homemaker? 

It’s as if a switch that was once buried deep inside of me has been turned on by some unknown force. As of late, my mind has been filled with decorating my house or making zucchini bread. The simple joy of leaving my work everyday and driving back to our home to spend time with my husband is reason enough for me to simply love my life. 

My desires seem to be changing overnight. I am known to be a driven individual. Always dreaming my way into the next course of my life, swiftly riding upon a wave a music, photography, and an entrepreneurial spirit. I am always seeking, always searching, always striving. Those things will always be a part of me, but not the biggest part, as I am coming to find. 

There’s something else. A spirit of legacy and family. Of banana bread and vacuuming. Of coming home to cuddle with my husband on the couch and talk about all of the business ideas that have been running through my head. 

Yet, many of those ideas seem outlandish compared to what has been placed on my heart. 

And strangely enough, I becoming alright with all of it. Almost. 

For so much my life, I have been consumed with doing, doing, doing. Working, working, working. I was in a place where if I wasn’t moving, I felt lifeless. I wanted to be a successful, creative individual that would do anything to get where I felt I was supposed to go. There was always a song to write, a practice to go to, a photo to take, a connection to make.  

Now my thoughts are filled with a very different picture. I see myself as a stay at home mom/working part time, learning for the first time what it is to truly care for another human being in a way that I have never known before. I would bake that banana bread, have a garden out in our backyard, and go to those play-dates with those so-called soccer moms (although, I declare at this point to NEVER have the soccer mom haircut). The music and photography would still be there, in some form, but not in an all consuming one as I have seen in the past. 

Someday. 

Someday, we will grow a family and a home.