Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Eight

As of today, Sullivan James Hollen has been with us for a total of 261 days since his July arrival. Those days have passed so swiftly already and in a little more than one hundred days, he will be a year old. My baby boy is turning into a little boy right before my eyes, a little more everyday. As a mom, I am constantly stressing how quickly time moves in our lives and how I wish it would just slow down a bit. But then there are other days where I can't wait for him to hit a specific milestone and I wonder what he will be like when he is a bit older or is a teenager. Having two teenagers in our home...oof. I don't want to think about that quite yet. 

Next week on the 3rd of April, Sullivan will be 9 months old. I have slowly been dropping nursing and pumping sessions with him. Granted, he is still getting a bottle in place of my nursing, but I needed to prepare for my new job that starts next week. I really want to get to the point of only having to pump once, probably at lunch during the day, instead of two times while I'm there. I love the early morning and bedtime nursing sessions and want to hold onto to those until we at least make it to a year. I feel like these times are so important in our bonding and I try to cherish them. They will disappear someday and I will miss them. Sullivan is probably our last baby and I may never nurse another little babe ever again. Yes, pumping is a drag and I pretty much hate it, but it's a necessary evil right now. Luckily, I will only be in the office three days a week and will only need to pump those three days. 

I'm curious to see if my milk supply starts to drop significantly as I start dropping sessions. Hopefully my body responds in a way where it produces enough for the feedings I want to keep and doesn't drop completely. We will see. I am looking forward to not always building my outfit choices around the ability to nurse easier. I also am looking forward to not washing pump parts day in and day out. I plan on getting some nice new bras that don't involve latches and nursing options. That will be a welcomed day. But, for now, we press onward. My goal is one year. We can totally do this. 

Want to know something amazing? You know what I didn't do all day yesterday or today? 

I didn't work. I didn't obsessively check my email. I didn't worry about a church schedule or paying a bill or turning in expenses..or this thing...or that thing... Hallelujah. I was having a hard time making this transition in the beginning because I am slowly realizing how so much of my existence was wrapped up in my job. But, I am moving beyond that. I am excited for the next chapter in our lives. I am excited to go to Easter Sunday and not WORK. I get to go to church with my family and then go to brunch afterwards. This decision is a good one. I am finally confident in that. 

Week Thirty Eight. 

Here's Marin at week thirty eight. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Seven

This week has felt long and tiring but we made it to Saturday and for that I am thankful. The days are so full lately with my job switch. I feel like I'm juggling a million things at once in an effort to leave well. I don't know who is taking my job over so the added unknowns of that have been weighing on me. I would love to be able to train whoever this person is so I can sleep soundly at night and not fret about whether or not teams have been scheduled and confirmed. I know, I know. I am the one that decided to move to a different job. I am the one that wanted to make this big switch. I am thankful for all of the change lately but will be very excited to be on the other side of it and working at the new job. I'm ready to dive in. 

With the craziness of this week, Sully and I have been a little under the weather. I've been fighting a sore throat all week and it's now moved into my sinuses. Hopefully today is the last day of it because I am leading worship tomorrow at church and I need to be able to sing without sounding like my head is full of snot, which is currently is. So lovely. 

Sully has been teething like crazy. His top two teeth are finally breaking through the gums. Teething plus a stuffy nose for him has made a few of our nights and early mornings pretty crappy. He wakes up wanting to nurse but then doesn't want to nurse because I think laying down on his side like that makes his sinuses and mouth hurt. Poor little dude. At least the teeth are breaking through. It looks like all of his top teeth are just right below the surface of his gums, just waiting to burst forth. Teething is so rough at times but I know it's something that we just have to get through. 

Marin had her 4 year well check on Monday and is doing well. She weighs just shy of 32 lbs and is 3 feet 3.5 inches tall. She is in the petite category and percentile, which doesn't surprise me. She did so well at her appointment. The vision test went well, the hearing test went well. We did get a few shots before she starts kindergarten, which is never fun. Luckily, she won't need any more until she's in middle school. But, she was such a trooper. She has a skin condition as well that we've been monitoring and putting steroid cream on. Luckily, we can now quit using the cream unless it flairs up again. I fully believe that Jesus will heal her of it though. The doctors stated that she could have it for the rest of her life, but Jesus heals, of that I am certain. We stopped and got hot chocolate and sour gummy worms at Daddy's grocery store where he works afterwards. I'm glad that appointment is over. Now she will just have a dentist appointment in April but it will be where I will be working so hopefully that will go better than it has in the past. 

Sullivan's 9 month appointment will be in a few weeks and I'm curious to see how he is growing. He's not even 9 months yet but wears mostly 18 month clothing. He is a tank and we love him for that. We are still hauling him around in his infant car seat. I'm trying to make it last as long as possible but soon, very soon, we will have to switch to a different car seat. 

I'm ready to dive into this next week, finish my time at the church, and embark on something new. I'm ready to have everyone in our home healthy and happy. I just keep realizing the importance of taking care of myself so that I can care well for my family. One day at a time. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Seven. 

Hollen Home | Our Kitchen Update

As I have been mentioning in posts the past few weeks, we recently embarked upon getting our kitchen cabinets refaced and a back splash done. I have spent most of the last year debating on whether or not we should sell our home or put down deep roots and stay here for a long time. I started making my lists about what needed to be done to move and then I started thinking about all of the things that have occurred in this little home of ours. I became nostalgic of the many band practices that were held in our basement over the years and the moments out on the back porch with many musicians and friends. I thought about bringing both of our children home to this house. Marin started crawling here, walking here. I've spent many a night and early morning upstairs in the kid's rooms, nursing a little baby in the glow of a night light. I thought about cramming all of our family into our living room and kitchen to celebrate birthdays and gender reveal parties. 

This is home. I want to be here for quite a while, putting down some roots. Deep roots. 

So, we decided to move forward with updating our kitchen since we plan on sticking around for an extended period of time. Completely replacing the cabinets was going to be way too expensive, especially since we had put in new floors a few years ago and they didn't extend under the existing cabinets. The floor would need to be redone as well. Our cabinets had good bones and structure, they just needed a refresh. We had updated the cabinet doors and painted them white a few years ago. That plan worked great for a number of years but I was getting super tired of repainting everything every year or so. The wood cabinets weren't wearing amazingly well either and our cat had clawed at many areas and drawers. 

It's pretty crazy to me how much our home has changed over the years. This is how the kitchen looked when we bought the house...

This is how the kitchen looked before our cabinet refacing....

We contacted Home Depot for an estimate. They reface all of the cabinets, replace all of the doors, replace all of the drawers, etc. Our drawers were pretty much falling apart so I was super excited about new drawers. They also installed sliding shelves in our pantry and a few other cabinets and rebuilt a few of our cabinet floors because ours had been damaged. We have never had an actual cabinet floor under our kitchen sink. I imagine it existed at some point but had some water damage. When we bought the home, under the sink was pretty much dirt and spider world. We just kind of lived with it that way all of these years. 

All of the cabinets are soft closing which is a cool, added bonus. We added hardware to everything as well. Our cabinets didn't have hardware before and I felt like I was constantly wiping them down due to cute, little, grimy hands constantly touching them. 

I love how it all turned out. The backsplash has been a project we have wanted to do for quite a while now. I cannot believe how much brighter everything feels now. We kept the counter tops the same because luckily the previous owners owned a granite company. I love the contrast of the backsplash and dark counter tops. 

There are still  few things to be done though. I need to go through and touch up a lot of the aqua paint on the walls. They also removed the white valance that was above the kitchen sink. Right now it looks pretty horrible and unfinished. I also want to get a cool pendant light for above the kitchen sink.    Little baby steps. 

Before....

Overall, we are super pleased with the results. I am also very thankful to have our kitchen back. Not having a kitchen for a week with two small children is something I really don't want to have to experience again. This was our living room for that week...

Hallelujah. I am so thankful that this project is pretty much complete. Now we can enjoy our kitchen. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Six

This past week has been crazy, even though our home is pretty much back to normal after the kitchen cabinet remodel. I am very thankful to have dinner at our kitchen table in our actual kitchen. Not having a kitchen with two small children was quite the adventure. I'll be posting about the cabinets in the next few days or so. I still need to take some "after" photos. I love them. They are so great and clean and I don't have to ever paint them ever again. Hallelujah. 

Many things have been changing this week and I'm just trying to grasp all of it. Granted, most of the change has been at my hand, but nonetheless, our lives have been all over the place lately. Some of you know this, some of you do not but I guess now is a better time as any to tell you all out in the grand internet....

I gave my two weeks notice at the church I work for, at least in the administrative role that I have been in the past few years. For the past few years, I have lived and breathed all things admin. It has been a wild ride but I really started to feel the need for more consistency in our schedule and I really, really, really want to be able to raise our own children. Now I know that sounds like I quit my job and am not replacing it with another, but that is not how this story ends. Long story short...I'm going back to the pediatric dental office I was at for nearly 6 years of my life. Many people probably think I'm crazy but I need a job I can go to, work hard at all day, then walk out the doors and leave it there. With working in a church and in ministry, it's 24/7 in one capacity or another. I think if we didn't have children, this would all look so different but for now, I'm going back to the dental world, part time. I also am still going to be even more involved in worship at church and I'm looking forward to diving deeper into that part of me once more. That part has been dormant for far too long. I've been involved but I have always had a million other administrative responsiblities taking up space in my head. It will be nice to not have to worry about all of that and just focus again in the place my heart really longs for. 

Anyways...enough about me. Sullivan is thirty six weeks old. His top two teeth are going to break through any day now and he's had quite a bit of teething pain this week. His normal demeanor is super chill to begin with so I know when he's hurting. Poor dude. Teething is pretty much the worst. 

He's been eating like a champ. The dude loves eat. His current favorites are meatballs, tortellini, peas, carrots, avocados, hummus, and bananas. He eats better than Marin most days. The girl knows what she likes and pretty much refuses to steer away from that. I know that's mostly our fault as parents...too many cheeseburgers...not enough broccoli. 

I have been trying to not nurse or pump quite as much and keep end up being in way too much pain. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I was trying to get down to one pumping session during the day at work, especially with the new job coming up and just feed him in the morning and at night. But, we aren't quite there yet. I need to slowly back off of all the feedings and supplement instead of going almost cold turkey. My body gets all confused and in pain when I drastically start changing feeding times and frequencies. Breastfeeding has been great this time around and I am definitely not ready to give it up completely. 

Marin has been on Spring Break this week and it's been nice with all of my work craziness to not have her in school for a few days. She's had one slumber party already with the grandparents and she will be with the other set of grandparents tomorrow evening with her cousin. Marin loves sleepovers but I feel like they wipe her out so much. When she finally does sleep, she sleeps hard. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Six.  The crazy thing is that when I posted her week thirty six, I had just changed jobs to the job that I just gave my notice at this week. Life is crazy sometimes. 

Week Thirty Six. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Five

What a whirlwind of a week. Phew. I feel like we haven't had a moment of calm for many days in our home. We had our cabinets refaced and a backsplash done this week. They just finished yesterday and I am so excited with how it all turned out. But, we were without a kitchen for a week and resorted to eating breakfast in our basement and hanging out at other people's houses. My house needs a really good, deep clean because I feel like there's just a fine layer of dust pretty much everywhere. I've been sneezing like crazy since I woke up this morning and I'm ready to conquer the dust. I am also very ready to get everything put back into our cabinets and bring order into the chaos a bit. 

We also just went through a refinance and everything went smoothly with that. It was pretty comical last night though because they send an agent to your home to sign your final papers. I am knucklehead and decided to schedule this while we didn't have a kitchen and while our kitchen table was in our family room in the basement surrounded my music gear and kid toys. Bless the woman who came to have us sign documents. It was pretty much a hot mess from when she entered our home to when she left. Our living room was full of boxes, our kitchen was a mess. Our children were fussy and hungry. There was a weird smell in the basement. It was definitely not our shining moment as homeowners and as parents. I was looking very forward to getting everything signed and getting her out of our hot mess of a home. It's funning now looking back at it but at the time I wanted to crawl into a hole for a while. 

Sully is working on some new teeth and I can see them getting ready to poke through the gums. He's had a few rough moments this week. I think mostly teeth are to blame but we also were all over the place this week with meals and nap times. I'm looking very forward to getting some consistency back in our schedule this week and to normalize our naps and mealtimes. Both kids were troopers this week and I am thankful for that. Marin probably only napped one day out of seven this past week. I know she fights the nap and most of the time just entertains herself during quiet time. But, the kid still needs a nap sometimes, especially when the world around her is in such upheaval. We had a few rough tantrums this week from her and I know our schedule is to blame. 

Sully tried a few new things this week food wise, even with all of the meal craziness. I found that little dude loves hummus. He also tried a fruit and veggie pouch at the coffeehouse yesterday. He seemed to really like it and I would love the ease of a pouch. He's still been rocking the sweet potatoes and chicken. He love carrots and peas. He eats a lot of bananas and yogurt bites. 

Many things in our lives are changing. I realize that is fairly vague and goes beyond just getting our cabinets redone. I'm trying to grasp all of it and move through a season of change as best as I can. I do believe that the changes at hand are good and I am excited for what may come out of all of it. 

Today, I plan on focusing on the kids schedules and offering some normalcy in their lives. I want to scrub down the house and conquer the dust. I want to cook in my kitchen and clean out the fridge. We definitely need groceries in the next day or so as well. I probably won't even get out of my pajamas and plan to not leave the house unless absolutely necessary. 

I really need to catch up some blog stuff too this week. I need to post my February Portrait. My One Little Word Post. Lots of catching up to be done....

Week Thirty Five. 

Here's Marin at Thirty Five Weeks.