Rain

I need a fresh start today. A real one. A powerful one. 

Yesterday turned out to be a little rough on the work front and I still can’t shake it. There’s been so many times lately where I can’t take it. There’s been so many times where even though I do make good money and work for an awesome company, I don’t feel like what I’m doing there is making any sort of difference: I am just in the way. I don’t matter. I am not making life better for people that work there but maybe worse. I’ve failed. 

Melodramatic much? 

I know much of what was stated above isn't true. 

At least it’s been raining all night. I almost feel like that’s God little sign to me saying: it’s going to be ok. Remember how I used to wash you of all impurities and mistakes in your life before in the northwest. Remember the rain. Remember My promises. 

Rain carries with it a heaviness for me but also a welcomed breath. I am hurled back to the years of my past the second I hear the rain hit the pavement. So much of my life was once saturated by this rain. So many of my decisions, my triumphs and failures, were made in this rain. It followed me 1200 miles back to this very place I write today, if only to remind me of what once was, what isn’t anymore, and possibly what could be ahead. 

I will probably have some courageous conversations today. I will probably be stretched and need to face my faults or at least what I think are my faults. It’s going to be ok. We all need those days even though most of the time we try not to face them. It’s part of the process. I don’t believe it’s possible to work around so many people and not face this process. 

I needed this rain today. 

I would be entirely fine if it kept up all day and into this evening. 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I wrote this in my journal yesterday, in the early morning hour before the rest of my world was awake. 

Hello, Monday. I can't believe you are here already, but I must be very much ready for you. This weekend was a whirlwind of fresh, bold hair colors, dance classes, house scrubbing, new decor store inspiration, and all of the reasons why our mothers are amazing and all the reasons why I still can't wait to be a mom. 

I always think: maybe this will be the last year of not being a mother, just maybe. Maybe next year some of those adorable hand made cards will be for me. Maybe I will be the wide-eyed, sleep deprived woman at the end of the table with a kid in tow. Maybe that will be next year for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I long for motherhood a lot lately. Of course, the idea of it absolutely terrifies me. But, at the same time, I finally feel that spark of knowing that is part of what I am meant to do, of how I meant to live, of who I am meant to be. To be a mom. To raise a child. To devote myself and time to another little human being that cannot quite care for themselves yet. I just know, with all that is within me, that motherhood will someday be a part of who I am. 

I think about my own mother today. Her guidance, her trust in all of my adventures, her wisdom. I think of my mother-in-law and all of the ways she is also wise. I am surrounded by women who know what they are doing and probably sat in the very place I do now today. Wondering. Waiting. Terrified. But, somehow each day I am more ready than I was the day before. 

Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe it won't. Everyday I get closer to that time. 

Yes. We were once this awesome. I'm the deer in headlights in the back. 

Daylight Savings

Tonight we gain an hour of life. Daylight Savings has graced our door once again. I feel the importance this morning of using that hour to the fullest, that it has been given to us as some sort of small gift from the scheduling universe. Here is an hour, do with it as you please, but do something grand with it. One hour. I always seem to find a way to dwindle time down to a stressful muse of deadlines, sickness, and wondering what I  should be doing instead of the very thing in which I’m doing. I am ruled by time, far more than I’d like to admit in the hours of this morning. Time holds us, guides us, and challenges us. I wonder if I’ll look back upon my life someday with regret or gratitude for the way in which we used our time. I dearly pray that it is the latter of the two: gratitude, hope, reverence for the moments we spent with each other doing something that made our hearts feel alive. 

I really don’t think I always use my time to the fullest. There are people to be with, places and projects to organize, photos to capture, songs to sing. I let life take me upon its swift wings of busyness and fail to slow down at times. I am held to a thing I cannot really control. One must sleep, eat, work, and live. As human beings, we pace upon this earth from one day to the next. How can I make it all worth it? 

I desire to love fully. To eat fully. To drink fully. To create fully. Nothing should be out of bounds because of the prison of time. Nothing. I really don’t need to have everything in order at all times. I really could take some time and relax awhile. (Which also means not wasting time in front of the television.) My minutes are precious. I am already 25, which to some probably doesn’t seem that old, but 18 years old feels like an eternity away from the place in which I wake now. I have changed. My life has changed. My hopes, dreams, and failures have shaped and changed me into the person that lives and breathes today. 

Today, I want to add to my story. 

“No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?" 

-Donald Miller,Through Painted Deserts