Portrait Two

I took this photo last week and I am just now finding the time to post it. As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This is September, in all of it's early morning, un-showered, unruly haired glory. 

Lately, Sullivan will wake up anytime between 3:30am and 5:30am. I stumble out of bed and feed him in the soft glow of his nightlight. After that I put him back in his crib and decide whether or not I will just get up or go back to bed. If it's anywhere near 5am, I just get up. If it's before that, I will usually head back to bed to sleep for just a little while longer. 

I love mornings. Becoming a parent has slowly helped me become more of a morning person. I was much more of a night owl in the my college days but those days are long gone. I normally do not see midnight nowadays unless I'm waking up to feed a baby, change a diaper, or wipe a runny nose. The morning is the only time that I find an overwhelming peace and I find myself longing for that time, no matter how long or short it may be that day. 

If I decide to stay up after I've fed Sullivan, I walk downstairs and make some coffee. I sit in my chair by the piano. My books, Bible, and journals are found on the table next to me. I usually try to read my Bible along with whatever reading plan I'm doing. Then I will read a portion of a personal development book of some sort. If time allows and everyone is still sleeping, I will journal in my moleskin. My goal is usually three pages, taken from the Artist's Way Morning Pages. I write about my days, my hopes, my frustrations, my prayers. I've journaled for a very long time through many seasons of my life and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. Putting pen to paper is such a great way for me to begin my day, no matter how many times I was up in the night with the kids. 

This portrait captures the person I am in the quiet hours of the morning before anyone else is awake. I usually watch the sun rise out of the living room window. If it's raining, I throw open the windows and drink my cup of coffee that hasn't been reheated a million times within the course of my parenting day. My hair is always a mess. I usually can be found cuddled up in a blanket in my robe that I bought for when I was in the hospital having Sullivan. I spend part of my morning whisper yelling at the cat to quit raising hell in the house and try to not feed him too early because he always seems to puke it back up again when Ryan is sleeping. Kitty puke is the worst. 

This is me in September of this year. I'm slowly trying to rediscover who I am in the early morning hours. A mom, a wife, a creative individual that needs this time to soak, pray, and better myself. I am always willing to wake up at 5am to get this time. I need it. 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I wrote this in my journal yesterday, in the early morning hour before the rest of my world was awake. 

Hello, Monday. I can't believe you are here already, but I must be very much ready for you. This weekend was a whirlwind of fresh, bold hair colors, dance classes, house scrubbing, new decor store inspiration, and all of the reasons why our mothers are amazing and all the reasons why I still can't wait to be a mom. 

I always think: maybe this will be the last year of not being a mother, just maybe. Maybe next year some of those adorable hand made cards will be for me. Maybe I will be the wide-eyed, sleep deprived woman at the end of the table with a kid in tow. Maybe that will be next year for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I long for motherhood a lot lately. Of course, the idea of it absolutely terrifies me. But, at the same time, I finally feel that spark of knowing that is part of what I am meant to do, of how I meant to live, of who I am meant to be. To be a mom. To raise a child. To devote myself and time to another little human being that cannot quite care for themselves yet. I just know, with all that is within me, that motherhood will someday be a part of who I am. 

I think about my own mother today. Her guidance, her trust in all of my adventures, her wisdom. I think of my mother-in-law and all of the ways she is also wise. I am surrounded by women who know what they are doing and probably sat in the very place I do now today. Wondering. Waiting. Terrified. But, somehow each day I am more ready than I was the day before. 

Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe it won't. Everyday I get closer to that time. 

Yes. We were once this awesome. I'm the deer in headlights in the back. 

What Does a Career Look Like, Anyway?

I get up nearly every morning (sometimes not on the weekends) and journal out my thoughts and goals for the day. I write my lists, I vent my annoyances regarding some of the things life can throw ones way, and I dream of the day when I can rid myself of the office life forever. Don't get me wrong, the job I currently hold has taught me many things, I get to work with some pretty awesome people, and it pays our bills as much as it's able to. But, there's many things missing. I work with numbers, spreadsheets, and time off requests all day. I find small triumphs in finishing a HR project or being able to balance the money for the day. Little things, baby steps. 

But, that's not what I was made to do. Have I learned a lot? Of course. Do I understand far more how a business is supposed to run and have witnessed the behind the scenes operations of the day to day? Of course. But, I've come to realize that if I don't come home and do something creative (ie write a song, take a picture, decorate my house, even bake a cake) I will surely lose my mind. Numbers and spreadsheets don't cause my heart to skip a beat. 

There's just so much more that I haven't embarked upon. 2012 seems already to be a time for me to prepare; for what, I'm not entirely certain, but what I do know is that I will not be tied to a cubicle for the rest of my life. 

My dreams are big. I can envision the very shop I would want to curate and get my hands dirty in. The displays, the products, the music, the location, the people, the community. Would it be easy? Of course not. With the condition of the economy currently, much is at stake. But, still I dream, still I hope, still I plan. 

Everyday I am making an effort to work towards my dream. I am studying like crazy, talking to people who have been there and done that, found a mentor that knows business better than anyone I've ever known, and immersing myself in the life of being a small business owner. All of this is still being done while I work away in my little office at my current place of employment. If I don't plan and research now, I won't be able to live into the dream later. Granted that may be a few years down the road, but at least I'm taking baby steps. 

My friend gave this to me the other day and it really makes me think. People hear me speak of my dreams, they understand them, and want to help me meet some of them. So encouraging. So now, I plan. I dream. I hope.