Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

32 Things Before 32

Every year for the past few years, I've written a list around my birthday. This list consists of many things that I want to accomplish in the new year in front of me. Last year, I didn't do very well on checking items off of my list. I found out I was pregnant in October and many items on the list ended up never being completed. I was a little preoccupied with growing a human. But, now I have begun my 32nd year, Sullivan was born in July and I have created a new, fresh list, just waiting to completed.

Here is my list from last year.....

1. Read 31 books. (I read 20)

2. Start blogging again.

3. Get pregnant with #2.

4. Paint the outside of our house.

5. Embrace a side hustle.

6. Play a show.

7. See the ocean.

8. Make a big purchase with cash.  (We roofed our house and paid cash for it!) 

9. Get another tattoo. (Can't get inked when you are pregnant) 

10. Get a facial.

11. Grow Hollen Photography.

12. Get a deep tissue massage.

13. Redo our basement: paint everything, new flooring, doors, etc. 

14. Finish a song. 

15. Go to a drive-in movie. 

16. Start writing a book. 

17. Thrift more. 

18. Increase our curb appeal.

19. Travel somewhere new. 

20. Build up an emergency fund. (About half way there...) 

21. Meal plan and decrease our grocery budget. 

22. Purge the entire house, every room!

23. Develop a product or new venture.  

24. Get family pictures taken. 

25. Complete another Jazzercise attendance challenge. 

26. Have a No-Spend Month. 

27. Read the Dark Tower Series, Harry Potter Series, and Anne of Green Gables Series. (I made it about half way through two of these series) 

28. Take a class. 

29. Seasonal Fun: pumpkin patch, picking strawberries, the zoo, parades, the fair, etc. 

30. See a show at Red Rocks. 

31. Splurge on the perfect pair of jeans. 

Here is my list for this new year....

1. Read 32 books. (I read 23 this year....) 

2. Learn how to use my pressure cooker & air fryer. 

3. Re-do our basement. 

4. Paint the outside of our home. 

5. Landscape our yard and rebuild back porch. 

6. Replace all interior doors. 

7. Create a plan to become debt free by 2020 (including student loans....) 

8. Rejoin Weight Watchers meetings (I go back and forth on this ALL OF THE TIME.)  

9. Get another tattoo

10. Get family photos taken & print some photo books. 

11. Finish writing a song. 

12. Go to the dentist and the doctor for exams. 

13. Get a massage. 

14. Family walks. 

15. Take a family vacation. 

16. Have time away with my hubby. 

17. Embrace a side hustle. 

18. Breastfeed Sullivan for one year. (He stopped at just shy of 11 months.) 

19. Reset up the practice space and actually play our music gear. 

20. Design a product. 

21. Go to the drive-in. 

22. Blog consistently and revamp blog layout. 

23. Finish reading the Bible In a Year. 

24. Go to a concert. 

25. 12 date nights. (Maybe we hit this?) 

26. Take a Barre Method Class

27. Finish the Dark Tower/Harry Potter Series. (I am at book #4 for HP...) 

28. Get a facial. 

29. Take one self-portrait a month. 

30. Grow something. 

31. Start a new family tradition. 

32. Start saving money for our 10 year anniversary trip. 

I am ready to dive head first into this new year. I feel like I'm just beginning the journey once more of re-learning how to be myself after having a baby. I'm excited for what this year holds. Hello thirty two. 

The End of One Thing, The Beginning of Another

Nowadays, not very many people can say that they have worked in the same job for 35 years. Not very many people can say that they stuck it out, worked their hardest, and lived a full life. I feel like in a lot of ways, longevity like that is a lost art. So many people nowadays start one job and are on the to the next the blink of an eye. 

Not my dad. He finished strong. Now he's ready for whatever else life has for him. 

I was able to celebrate a major milestone in my father's life on Monday: his retirement. It's pretty crazy to think how many years he has spent as a firefighter. He has been a firefighter longer than I have been alive...35 years of his life have been spent in this career, this life. 

When I was little, I used to try and not think too much about what my father did for a living. Honestly, it scared the crap out of me most days. I remember a few nights waking up and praying for him because I wasn't sure what was going on but I was sure that he was probably heading into a burning building, or on his way to car accident, or something else that most people will never witness in their lives. I'm certain my dad has seen many things and been in many situations that he will never tell me about. 

The respect I have for this man is unending and massive. He has sacrificed his life over and over again with every fire he has fought, with every crew he has fought those fires with. He has always stood strong, fought hard for his crew, and worked hard. I am honored to be his daughter and to have witness him throughout the years as he went to work day in and day out. 

On his last shift, firefighter crews from all over Fort Collins came to pay their respect. They lowered the station flag and gave it to my dad. 

I know my dad is now leaving a job well done and I know that whatever he does next, he will approach the very same. 

 

I love you, Dad. Thank you for your service to this community and for dedicating most of your life to helping others. I am excited to see what is next for you in this thing called life. 

Rain

I need a fresh start today. A real one. A powerful one. 

Yesterday turned out to be a little rough on the work front and I still can’t shake it. There’s been so many times lately where I can’t take it. There’s been so many times where even though I do make good money and work for an awesome company, I don’t feel like what I’m doing there is making any sort of difference: I am just in the way. I don’t matter. I am not making life better for people that work there but maybe worse. I’ve failed. 

Melodramatic much? 

I know much of what was stated above isn't true. 

At least it’s been raining all night. I almost feel like that’s God little sign to me saying: it’s going to be ok. Remember how I used to wash you of all impurities and mistakes in your life before in the northwest. Remember the rain. Remember My promises. 

Rain carries with it a heaviness for me but also a welcomed breath. I am hurled back to the years of my past the second I hear the rain hit the pavement. So much of my life was once saturated by this rain. So many of my decisions, my triumphs and failures, were made in this rain. It followed me 1200 miles back to this very place I write today, if only to remind me of what once was, what isn’t anymore, and possibly what could be ahead. 

I will probably have some courageous conversations today. I will probably be stretched and need to face my faults or at least what I think are my faults. It’s going to be ok. We all need those days even though most of the time we try not to face them. It’s part of the process. I don’t believe it’s possible to work around so many people and not face this process. 

I needed this rain today. 

I would be entirely fine if it kept up all day and into this evening. 

Seattle Bound: Day Two

We have been on the road for what seems like an eternity today, yet an enjoyable one. After we ate a continental breakfast that was far from extraordinary and managed to leave our own pillows at the hotel, causing us to turn around again before we really even got started, we found ourselves once again on the road to the beautiful northwest.

It doesn’t quite feel like we’ve hit the northwest I know and love due to the fact the part of Washington we are currently driving through is almost as dry and brown as the state of Colorado from which we came. I firmly believe that the heaviness of excitement and nervousness will hit me once the scenery turns to the greenery that one can hardly see through to the other side. I pray for the rain that I once grew to love. It seems to wash everything clean; granting a new beginning every time the sun decides to peek through the blanket of clouds above. I used to thrive in that environment.I spent many hours writing, playing music, and sipping on one after another cups of coffee as the rain fell outside every evening. I discovered a lot about myself in those days.

I am known for bringing far too many books to read on road trips and jump due to the excitement of being bound to a car for hours and hours to consume another book that I’ve let gather dust on my nightstand at home. I just finished a book called, The Help. I highly recommend it. It is set in the late fifties-early sixties and is a novel regarding the time before and during the civil rights movement, told from multiple different points of view; all the way from a white writer to the maids that inhabit their daily lives. These women are daring and do the unthinkable: a white writer and a group of black women pen a book about the households they care for and the women the work for. I like the risk of it, the fact that these women saw the grave importance of the words on the pages of that book and dared to tell their story.

It makes me want to be a writer. At times I have a glorified image of a girl with large glasses hunched over a typewriter, next to a window looking over some grand city, with a cup of steaming coffee in her hand. She wakes early in the morning without even looking in the mirror to brush out the tangles in her hair and walks to her desk and sits. Then she writes. She just writes. For hours upon hours until the words suddenly start to make sense and connect to other words, forming sentences of thought and prose. She crafts her characters carefully yet daringly; praying that somehow they will tell the story they were created to tell. The next day, she gets up and does the same thing. She writes.

I realize that there is so much connected to that profession: deadlines and publishers, agents and rejected drafts; yet deep inside I want to keep my fantasy writer close, as if she is there to just faintly whisper in my ear every morning to just “....simply write...”

Truthfully, I don’t even know what I would write about. Maybe I should just take those words to heart at times.

Simply write.

“E.L Doctorow said once that ‘Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’ You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have ever heard.”

Anne Lamott

We will be in Seattle in about three hours. My heart is full of anticipation.

Until tomorrow...