Baby Sullivan | Week Nineteen

We have all been a little under the weather for what seems like weeks now. It finally hit me and I still have the sore throat to prove it. Marin is currently a snot factory and Sullivan is really congested. He definitely isn't a fan of the infamous nose sucker. Colds are always enjoyable to begin with and then you add in the fact that your children can not really blow their noses on their own and even more fun begins. 

But, here we are. Week nineteen. I'm ready for all of us to be healthy once more. I feel like once one of us finally kicks the bug, the others aren't too far behind. It's a constant cycle every year it feels like. I'm just trying to make sure everyone washes their hands like crazy lately and I'm diffusing essential oils like a madwoman. When you are a parent, you don't really get sick days. I walked around work on Sunday without much of a voice. We also sang songs at Marin's school today, lots of turkey themed tunes. I'm at that point in this cold where I get a tickle in my throat and can't seem to quit coughing. That definitely happened at music time this morning, but oh well. It is what it is. We also now have sang multiple versions of If You're Happy & You Know It but just with different lyrics. We sang about a chicken today too. One that laid an egg. Oh, preschool. You are fun. 

We still haven't started Sullivan on any solids yet. I need to bring the high chair up from the basement. I think part of me isn't quite ready for him to be growning up so fast. I also secretly am trying to keep my kitchen clean-ish for just a little while longer. Good bye, semi-clean floor...at least for a while. 

He's out growing many things already, way faster than his big sister did. Pretty soon, we will sell the beloved baby swing. His little feet are already dangling over the edge. I love that thing. It can either be just a bouncer that can moved anywhere or a swing. He's outgrown so many outfits. His adorable chunky thighs cannot fit in the Bumbo at all any more. We will need to switch him to a different car set fairly soon. Slow down, son. Slow down.

 

We also are in the process of buying another minivan. I feel like we are coming full circle all of a sudden again. A few years ago, we bought a mom van.  This was before we even had any children. We used it to haul all of our music gear to shows. The back seat of that van was hardly ever in the vehicle and mostly remained in our garage. A few years after that, we sold the van and bought a Dodge Journey.  That was my sad attempt to rid myself of the mom van. I love my Dodge Journey but now that we have two kids I'm realizing how much I miss the van....go figure. There's two things I miss the most....SLIDING DOORS and all of the space. Getting two children into car seats in our one car garage without sliding doors is a comical sight to be seen. We found an awesome 2015 Kia Sedona that we are hoping to purchase tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed and I will soon be rocking the mom van once more. This one is super nice and all black. I feel like that color ups the cool factor. I'll just keep telling myself that. 

Marin at week nineteen! 

Baby Sullivan | Week Seven

Week seven is here. Every week I say it and I will say it again...time is moving quickly. This week feels fresh and new. We are slowly getting into the swing of things and my heart has been so full the past few days. I look at my life and cannot believe I get to be a part of it, honestly. I guess I've just been feeling extra blessed lately, like everything is falling into place and life is pretty darn good lately. Do I still feel a bit of new baby fog? Of course, but overall I feel like we are landing on a good schedule and many good things are coming in the near future.

Sullivan has given us the awesome gift of sleeping through the night for the past few nights. We had one rough night last week and that was it. Other than that, we are getting much longer stretches of time. We feed him one last time around 9pm and he's been sleeping until 4:30 or 5am. How did we get so lucky? I shouldn't say that because I don't want to jinx it. Seriously though, it's crazy. I wake up feeling far more rested than before. I've just been getting up after I feed him in the mornings and I feel like I'm slowly gaining some sanity and clarity for this season. Being able to have quiet time for even just a little while is life giving.

Another milestone this week is that we had to trim the baby fingernails. Every parent knows how utterly terrifying that can be. Luckily, Ryan always seems to do it for me. He's awesome like that. We will keep him around. We are also seeing lots of smiles lately from Sullivan and I still can't seem to capture one in a photograph. He has been awake a lot more during the day and it's been fun to see his little personality start to shine through. 

I've been making it a point to not just aimlessly look at my phone while nursing him and that seems to be working out well for me. Instead, I've been reading. It's refreshing to not have my eyes glued to a phone screen constantly. Half of the stuff on Facebook nowadays stinks and I'd rather fill my mind and heart with something better. I just finished The Fringe Hours: Making Time for You. I just started Mom Enough: The Fearless Mother's Heart and Hope. 

I returned to work part time last week and it feels good to be back and having some conversations with adults. I hit the ground running and quickly dove into scheduling, finance stuff, payroll, etc. Most of my anxiety has fallen away and I am excited for the season ahead. Also, fall is coming, my very favorite time of the year. 

Week Seven. 

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Baby Sullivan | Week Six

I almost missed posting this on a Monday as planned, but we have hit six weeks with this little man. He slept through the night again last night and I always feel like I've hit the sleep lottery. An uninterrupted seven hours of sleep is the best gift anyone can give me at this season of my life. 

On Sunday, we finally made it back to church. Since I work for a church, I've been avoiding it the last few weeks just because I knew that I needed to just spend time with my family and not worry about work. Honestly, I've had a lot of anxiety lately about returning to work. I spent a lot of time stupidly wondering if I would be needed upon my return. Going to church on Sunday was a breath of fresh air and I'm thankful that my anxiety has decreased majorly. As of Sunday, I am back to work part time, mostly from home for a few more weeks. It feels good to work my brain again and not just be a milk factory for a cute little dude. It felt good to have adult conversations and make my little lists. 

I turned in the paperwork for Marin to go preschool this evening. We are barreling towards the beginning of the school year at warp speed. I think it will be very good to have her around more kids twice a week. Our involvement as parents is pretty intense because it's a preschool co-op and I'm trying not to become overwhelmed by that. Lots of committees and teach days but Marin will be with a bunch of her friends and the preschool is practically across the street from us. 

I'm looking forward to fall. Sullivan is seriously such an easy baby so far. He eats well, sleeps decently well.  I've been trying to capture a picture of his cute little smile but have yet to get a good photo. He is growing so much every day. As of today, he is 44 days old. Marin is adapting to life with a sibling. I've been using Clicklist through King Soopers and not having to go into a grocery store with two kids has been wonderful. I'm heading back to work and my favorite season of all will soon be upon us. 

Lots of change around here, but I feel like I'm slowly gaining clarity for the season that is upon us. 

Week Six. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Four

Today we find ourselves at week four of having Baby Sullivan with us. We are getting into the groove of things and our days are slowly starting resemble some sort of routine with two kids. I am super thankful for all of the family members that have been taking Marin for outings during the day when I feel a little overwhelmed by having two kiddos. It's good for her to get out of the house and go on lots of adventures. It also gives me the time to really spend time with Sullivan with no interruptions.

I am finally off of antibiotics and my c-section incision is finally healing up nicely. I'm driving now. I am vacuuming my house once more. Hallelujah. I have yet to take a nice long soak in a bathtub but I think that will occur sometime in the next week or so. I really miss my baths. 

We had a number of firsts this past week as well. We gave Sully his first official bath. He wasn't totally thrilled but didn't cry at all. Marin was there to help, of course. I am always trying to find ways to have her help me out...grab me a diaper....can you hand me that burp rag....will you pick out his outfit for the day? I know this transition hasn't been the easiest on her so I try to involve her in every way that I can. 

We also had one night where Sullivan slept all night. I fed him around 9:30pm or so and then we put him down. The next thing I know, I hear him on the monitor and look at my clock to only see it say 5:30am! I was shocked. We haven't had a stretch of sleep like that pretty much ever with him. I was very uncomfortable though because I hadn't nursed for an extended period of time, but I was very thankful for some uninterrupted sleep. 

We are planning on going on a date night this week for my birthday and to see the Dark Tower movie. That will be really the first time I've been away from him for an extended period of time. I'm confident he will be in great hands but I need to work on pumping to build up a supply for these type of occasions. I'm also getting my nails done on Wednesday and will be away from him for a bit there. It's all part of the process and I need to have some time to take care of myself. As the quote says, "You can't pour from an empty cup." 

Week Four. 

Mom Guilt | What Keeps Me Up At Night

Last week we had a few rougher nights due to sickness in our family. One night in particular, Marin woke up around 1:30am coughing and crying. I went in and gave her some medicine. Luckily, she went straight back to sleep after that instead of trying to fight staying up. I on the other tried to go back to bed but proceeded to toss and turn for hours upon hours. My brain didn't want to slow down, shut off, and just rest. Instead, it mulled a million miles per hour and anxiety began to bend and sway within me. I'm not even totally sure how long I was awake for but it was bad enough that I was considering just getting up and working on stuff, at 3am in the morning. That's when you know it's bad. 

Laying there, I was just so anxious. For so many things. The biggest was regarding my job. I have discovered that I have this fear of going on maternity leave and everything either completely falls apart or they realize that they can do it all without me. This anxiety begins to well up hugely inside of me at 3am in the morning and causes me to be so torn. I want to be able to have our son and focus on him for as many weeks as I can before we have to dive back into reality again. No deadlines, agendas, emails, or projects. Just us. Just family. 

There's this thing in our society that tends to torment me. I think it's completely destructive and detrimental to mothers and fathers everywhere. You have to still do EVERYTHING, as you did before. Don't rest. If you rest, you job and life will move swiftly on without you. You must be at the top of your game at all times. No gaps in your career or resume. You want a career right? Blah, blah, blah. 

These are things that keep me up at night, that and pregnancy insomnia. Mom guilt is a real thing. I want nothing more than to take 6 weeks of our lives to figure out how to be a family of four and bring our new son into the world. This may very well be the last time we ever get this opportunity. I don't want to feel guilty about using my rights and benefits to spend time with our growing family. No more guilt. I know I can prep and plan. I know I can put things in place to help make this transition safe and secure. I know that my job is super awesome, as are our maternity benefits and I need to not worry about these sort of things. 

With my leave with Marin, I took twelve weeks but was still so very consumed by my job. I never fully embraced all of the new experiences of motherhood and those first few weeks are a total blur to me. Those first few weeks were so hard. I can never get them back. I was too worried about calendars, payroll, and getting my job done even though I was supposed to be on leave. 

My plan is take 12 weeks with our son. The first six...I don't even want to think about work. The last six, I'll work part time from home. The transition to having two kids is a big one for me. I am anxious and have no idea how to navigate life. As long as I don't try to everything all of the time, I'm sure we will be fine. 

This is what keeps me up at night. 

Happy Birthday, Little One

At this time last year, we were all hunkered down in our living room. I was trying to keep down scrambled eggs and we watched episode after episode of Dirty Jobs. My water had broken, conveniently when I went to the bathroom and not in our bedsheets around three in the morning. We had anticipated this day for nearly 10 months. I was overdue by 10 days. I knew that if I didn't go into labor today, then the doctors would intervene, against our wishes. I knew that our baby would come into this world in due time but it was almost as if she camping out until the very last second, just a little longer, just one more day. I probably gained another ten pounds just in the ten days we waited past our due date for her to arrive.

I knew going into labor that we wanted to take the natural approach if at all possible. We had an amazing doula by our side. You can read more about our birth story HERE. For as long as I shall live I will never forget the pain and exertion it took to bring Marin into this world. It was so real, so intense, yet almost an out of body experience. I will never forget the waves of contractions and pushing for what felt like an eternity. I will never forget hearing that Marin was turned differently than they had hoped and that was why I had been pushing for so long without really getting anywhere. There was talk of a C-Section.  Luckily, the support I had around me didn't let us get to that point and we were able to deliver Marin into this world still as naturally as possible.

She arrived into this world in a flash of pain and was rushed away from me. I remember hearing her cry. I remember thinking that it wasn't all real, that we were still laboring and in the process. They brought her next to my chest for only a brief second and then she was rushed away to NICU. Our little baby girl. The day our lives changed completely. The day everything was turned completely upside down and sideways. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today Marin turns one. I can hardly believe that I am writing those words. I feel like I blinked and here we are. It's as if all of those sleepless nights and early mornings are so far away now. She now sleeps through the night. She now eats solid food, all the while throwing at least half of the contents from her plate onto to the floor around her. She is close to walking but seems to want to hold onto crawling just a little bit longer.

OUR LITTLE GIRL IS ONE TODAY. 

I am very far from the person I was one year ago. I have battle scars upon my body from the months of her stretching and growing. The weight is still coming off ever so slowly and I have to fight for that so much harder than before. Sleep is a luxury that I don't really miss that much. Nap times are when I am most productive and conquer the world. I have learned how to fearlessly and utterly be attached to another human that isn't my husband. I look into the mirror and the person staring back at me is no longer just a musician or an artist. I am a mother.

I AM A MOTHER.

In all of my years, I never thought that realization would be solidified within me. Now I don't desire to know a life without that piece of me. I am more complete now than I have ever been.

Happy Birthday, Little One. I am forever thankful that you turned out lives upside down.

Baby Marin: Week Thirty (7 Months!)

This week has been filled with early mornings and buckets of baby drool. There is a certain sense of change upon our lives in so many ways, big and small. I eagerly anticipate the time when Marin's first tooth surprises me one morning and I realize that all of her hard work and fussiness has paid off and created something. Pushed through. Defied the odds and finally presented itself into the world. I realize it is one little tooth, but she is fighting for it. I keep having to remind myself that we have to go through this for ALL of her teeth. Oh boy.

As of today, Marin is 7 months old. The newborn stage is very much behind us and every milestone reached brings us closer to her being a year old. It really isn't that far away, which is hard for me to grasp at this moment. The way that time moves and breathes in our lives completely changed when we had a child. I have to approach every day with so much selflessness, they are no longer my own. I have to be alright with that and it is definitely a learning experience. I applaud all of you parents with multiple children in tow. At this point in time, I just can't even fathom that. I know that time will probably come at some point down the road, but I wake everyday just trying to make sure I get dressed, get my work done, and raise a child in an environment that helps her grow and learn.

Within the week, we will be adding a nephew (a cousin for Marin) to this crazy mix and I can't wait. Having another baby around will help Marin grow even more and learn what sharing is all about. It truly takes a village to raise children and I am extremely thankful for the village that we have around us everyday. I just don't want to think about raising a family without them.

Also, baby pajamas are so great, especially ones with bears on the bum and feet. 

Week Thirty.

Baby Marin: Week Twenty Seven

I've been really trying to make a point in the last week or so to slow down and take time to focus on Marin. Of course my focus is always on her in some capacity, but I'm realizing the importance of not always having my hands in ten other projects while taking care of our child. The days I spend with her are precious. She is growing quickly and every moment counts. I feel like I need to show her the world. I feel like I need to open up everything that I can for her and allow her discover everything that is around her, even in the mundane everyday where I haven't changed out of my yoga pants and my idea of makeup is a little bit of water proof mascara and some lip gloss.

I am thankful that in this season of our lives, I get to work from home for a good chunk of my week. Being in the office three days a week has been a gift and I need to not take it lightly. I have four days at home with Marin. Now that she is starting to become somewhat mobile and seems to be reaching new milestones every single day, I'm realizing that importance of getting out of the house. I want to go for walks with her. I want her to experience what grass feels like for the first time and hear the birds and feel the sun. I want her to not be confined to a play mat or highchair. I want her to learn new things and see new things everyday.

That is my new mission. It was there before but not in the same capacity that it is now. There truly is a whole new world out there for her to experience and I want to help aid in that discovery.

Week 27. 

Baby Marin: Week Twenty Five

This time, next week, our little gal will be 6 months old. I can't even believe it. To say that time has flown would still be a understatement. I don't know where it has all gone. There are so many times lately where I feel like I was just huge and pregnant, waiting for Marin to arrive, 10 days later than my due date. The waiting game made it seem like time had stopped completely. Fast forward twenty five weeks and I have a baby that is growing up so fast!

In the past few days alone, I feel like a whole other side of her has blossomed. She has really found her voice. So many noises come from her on a very consistent basis now. Lots of raspberries are being made from her cute, little lips. In the blink of an eye, she rolls herself halfway across the room. I have to watch MUCH CLOSER now than before. She's a quick one. She's a noisy one. She's making our lives more interesting every single day. I love it.

We've tried some solid food here and there but so far her interest has been minimal at best. She hasn't quite decided if she is a fan of bananas yet. She does enjoy chilling in her high chair a lot, which helps me actually cook real food while she hangs out with me in the kitchen. Her only mission while in her chair is to throw every single toy from her tray to the floor. I think her inspiration comes from watching my parents play fetch with their doggies. Marin sees and Marin does and she finds it very funny.

Everyday is a new adventure. I hate leaving her when I go to work because she is just becoming so fun each and every day. She also wears me out so much on the days I get to spend all of my time with her. We've had a lot of pretty early mornings lately but she is back to sleeping mostly through the night and I am forever thankful for that.

A never ending adventure.

Week Twenty Five.

Baby Marin: Week Twenty Four

I have two words for you: SLEEP REGRESSION.

I knew that all of those posts of me rambling on about how my child sleeps through the night would probably come back to kick me later. We have found ourselves in the midst of a growth spurt and a squirrely baby that wakes up A LOT. I have been reading up on things like this, because that is what I do, and nearing the 6 month mark of a baby's life they go through another growth spurt. During that growth spurt, many babies decide to switch up their sleep schedules and confuse the crap out of their parents. 

This is where we currently live. One of us goes in a few times a night to turn her around because she rolls all over the place and we put her back in place so she can fall asleep once more. There are a lot of flips and summersault-like actions occurring. Sometimes when I go to check on her because she is making more noises than usual, she is completely turned around and peeking through the railings in her crib like, "Mom, I've been waiting for you to come turn me around. How's it going?" Sleep deprived and bushy-tailed, I put her back in place only to go back in a few hours later and do the exact same thing. 

Case and point, it's 4:30 in morning as I write these very words because I just got so sick of going in, flipping her back into place, and then trying to fall back asleep. Hello, Early Morning, I don't want to hang out with you right now. My cup of coffee next to me and Geoff the Cat are my only companions. Even Geoff is sleeping soundly in the chair next to me. Lucky Geoff. 

I know this is probably only a phase and I pray that it is short lived. I need the "sleep for 11 hours a night" baby back. Mommy was able to function so much more like a normal human being back then. 

Let's go back to that. 

Week Twenty Four.