Portrait Ten & Eleven

I am always doing some sort of catch up but at least I'm getting these accomplished at some point. They were taken weeks or months ago. These are part of my 32 Things Before 32 List where I set a goal of taking one self-portrait per month. I haven't been very good at it and really don't enjoy taking my own photo but I made this as part of my list because of that. I need to be stretched. I need to be able to capture where I am at in in a certain season of my life. 

The first image feels very veiled to me. In this moment in time I am debating making even more changes in our lives, even more changes than I have already brought about in this past year. Something has been stirring inside of me greatly since I left my job at the church. Something has not stayed quiet and I feel like we have found a new home and community. I realize this is all very vague but I took this photo sitting on our steps in our house after we had just been at church and realizing mid service that we might not be there much longer, at least in the capacity that we have been. That is a big deal and a very big change. It has been hanging on me for months and I feel like we are finally getting to the point of being on the other side. Soon, very soon. 

This second photo was taken in an average hotel room in Montrose, CO on the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was tired, missing our kids, and ready to return back to our lives after traveling Thursday through Saturday, two weeks in a row. But, the fact that Ryan and I were both able to travel to Montrose for the funeral and see our family was a great gift, one I don't take lightly. I was thinking a lot about family and life, as one does when celebrating the life of another. Life really is short and I have no desire to waste my moments that I have with our children, friends, and family. Those things are what really matters. My job won't matter. Our house and cars won't matter. The number in our bank account won't matter or the number on the scale won't really matter. People matter. I need to be reminded of that a lot lately and I am grateful for the reminder. 

Portrait Nine

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of April. Yet again, just like the months before, April is a ways back in the grand scheme of things and honestly feels like a life time ago. Here we are, behind per usual, but here nonetheless. 

I feel more at ease in this photograph than I have in a very long time. This was from the weekend we spent in the mountains, away as a family. I still look tired, yes, but behind those tired mom eyes, I see a woman that has found the other side of a decision that was a big one to make. Leaving my job at the church was not an easy decision, not one that I ever took lightly. It hung on me for a very long time and being on the other side of it still feels foreign. I breathe in and out differently than before. The air seems different. My view of life and family seems different. 

My father in law mentioned to me a while back that I seemed so much more at ease than I was I before. At first I didn't think so but then when I began to look in I realized that he was indeed very correct. I am different. I feel whole and at peace. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I was before. The act of going to work, working hard, and then leaving it all at the office has breathed fresh air into my lungs, into my life. 

Yes, I still have moments where I wonder how the team is doing, how scheduling is going, and realize that I'm missing out on many things. But, you know what? It's okay. My daughter is always surprised when I tell her that I get to spend the next few days with her and our son. When she realizes that mommy doesn't need to stare at a computer screen or be attached to my phone, excitement fills her eyes and she plans out our day of doing puzzles, playing with play dough, and swinging on the swings. That is what matters. I am no longer overworked and ragged by the time I come home to my family. I am still tired after work and I'm still tired after a day with the kiddos, but it all feels different. 

At ease is great place to be. I like it here. 

Portrait Six

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of January. Yet again, just like the months before, we are already into the beginning of the next month. Oh well...at least I remembered to take my camera out of the bag and use it in the early morning hour. 

There's been a lot changing and stirring within me in the month of January. As always, the new year seems to bring a fresh start, a clean slate, another list of things that I desire to accomplish. I've been chewing on my One Little Word for this year and still need to write a post about it, but it's been stewing for a while and I'm almost ready to put it out into the world and embrace it fully. 

In many ways, I am a person that loves the new breath of fresh air that comes when seasons change and years come and go. I am the maker of lists and dreamer of dreams. Some little and minute, some lofty and time consuming. In many other ways though, I am a person that combats change with everything within me. I tend to like my comfort zone in many areas of my life and uprooting myself in certain areas of my life is not a pastime that I wish to participate in very often. 

But, change is coming. Change is already here. Change is inevitable. I need change. I need to change. I need to allow myself to open up to change and let it do its thing every once in a while. Burst the bubble. Hop out of the comfort zone. Be stretched. 

I am being stretched this year in terms of my health and my body. Honestly, I'm so very sick and tired of being so sick and tired all the time. So much of me just wishes I could cuddle up on the couch with my husband every evening after the kids are in bed and eat a bunch of food that isn't good for me in any way. But, no more. I can't do it any longer. I need change. 

I went to a natural health practitioner last week and my eyes were opened up to a lot of food intolerances that I have. Some of them I knew and blatantly ignored, others were a surprise. But, I am making the changes. I want to be able to look at the woman in the mirror and like what I see, feel confident about what I see. 

I'm tired of hiding behind the person I see in the mirror. I know underneath what I see, there's a woman that is confident and healthy, just waiting to step out into the world. I know that in many ways, I was once that woman. Confidently walking through life and then I got married and had a few kids...the effects upon my body from childbirth and exhaustion are a constant reminder of what my body went through. All of it worth it, of course, but I'm ready to focus on myself for a change. As I mentioned in my last portrait post: you can't pour from an empty cup. I'm working on filling up my cup, filling up my life with good for me, wholesome food. I'm listening to my body's cues and needs. I'm taking it one step at a time. 

I long to be able to in the mirror and know without a doubt that the woman staring back at me is confident and whole. Every day is a process. 

Portrait Six. 

Portrait Four

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of November. Yet again, we are well into the next month and I am just now getting this posted, but here we are.

Someday I won't question whether or not this is it and if it's enough. Looking back, I will realize it was always more than enough and long for the things I missed or overlooked because I was too busy trying to be super mom and super human, all while having a clean, well kept house with fantastic vacuum lines in the carpet and the absence of sticky messes on the floor. 

Someday I know I will miss having these hangry humans intensely dependent upon me with their unwavering devotion and need for a parent, for a life giver, for a nurturer. Our home will one day be too quiet and I will long for the dishwasher that needs to be emptied and the little clothes that need be folded and put away in tiny drawers. I will miss the bath time at night where the kids plead to stay in for far too long and their fingers turn to little raisins. I will miss reading the same book over and over again at bedtime, a book that Marin can recite by memory alone, with the same rise and fall of our adult voices reflected in hers, just as we aim to bring each character from the page to life.  

In this season of life, I am woman finding her way once more, finding more solid footing. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I am someone that at times tries to hold on to her past in fear of losing the creative aspects of my existence. I am someone that is working really hard to be present in the moment and not veer too far off course. I am trying really hard to find a life that is more than enough. 

Someday, dinner time will look different and I won't stand over a pot of boiling mac n' cheese, stirring it so it doesn't boil over. This is all for the picky preschooler that literally would eat the same thing every single night. I will miss making the chicken nuggets or coaxing her to eat just one more bite of vegetables all the while she absolutely refuses to eat carrots. 

All of this is it and it is more than enough. 

Portrait Four. 

Portrait Two

I took this photo last week and I am just now finding the time to post it. As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This is September, in all of it's early morning, un-showered, unruly haired glory. 

Lately, Sullivan will wake up anytime between 3:30am and 5:30am. I stumble out of bed and feed him in the soft glow of his nightlight. After that I put him back in his crib and decide whether or not I will just get up or go back to bed. If it's anywhere near 5am, I just get up. If it's before that, I will usually head back to bed to sleep for just a little while longer. 

I love mornings. Becoming a parent has slowly helped me become more of a morning person. I was much more of a night owl in the my college days but those days are long gone. I normally do not see midnight nowadays unless I'm waking up to feed a baby, change a diaper, or wipe a runny nose. The morning is the only time that I find an overwhelming peace and I find myself longing for that time, no matter how long or short it may be that day. 

If I decide to stay up after I've fed Sullivan, I walk downstairs and make some coffee. I sit in my chair by the piano. My books, Bible, and journals are found on the table next to me. I usually try to read my Bible along with whatever reading plan I'm doing. Then I will read a portion of a personal development book of some sort. If time allows and everyone is still sleeping, I will journal in my moleskin. My goal is usually three pages, taken from the Artist's Way Morning Pages. I write about my days, my hopes, my frustrations, my prayers. I've journaled for a very long time through many seasons of my life and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. Putting pen to paper is such a great way for me to begin my day, no matter how many times I was up in the night with the kids. 

This portrait captures the person I am in the quiet hours of the morning before anyone else is awake. I usually watch the sun rise out of the living room window. If it's raining, I throw open the windows and drink my cup of coffee that hasn't been reheated a million times within the course of my parenting day. My hair is always a mess. I usually can be found cuddled up in a blanket in my robe that I bought for when I was in the hospital having Sullivan. I spend part of my morning whisper yelling at the cat to quit raising hell in the house and try to not feed him too early because he always seems to puke it back up again when Ryan is sleeping. Kitty puke is the worst. 

This is me in September of this year. I'm slowly trying to rediscover who I am in the early morning hours. A mom, a wife, a creative individual that needs this time to soak, pray, and better myself. I am always willing to wake up at 5am to get this time. I need it.