Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Portrait Six

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of January. Yet again, just like the months before, we are already into the beginning of the next month. Oh well...at least I remembered to take my camera out of the bag and use it in the early morning hour. 

There's been a lot changing and stirring within me in the month of January. As always, the new year seems to bring a fresh start, a clean slate, another list of things that I desire to accomplish. I've been chewing on my One Little Word for this year and still need to write a post about it, but it's been stewing for a while and I'm almost ready to put it out into the world and embrace it fully. 

In many ways, I am a person that loves the new breath of fresh air that comes when seasons change and years come and go. I am the maker of lists and dreamer of dreams. Some little and minute, some lofty and time consuming. In many other ways though, I am a person that combats change with everything within me. I tend to like my comfort zone in many areas of my life and uprooting myself in certain areas of my life is not a pastime that I wish to participate in very often. 

But, change is coming. Change is already here. Change is inevitable. I need change. I need to change. I need to allow myself to open up to change and let it do its thing every once in a while. Burst the bubble. Hop out of the comfort zone. Be stretched. 

I am being stretched this year in terms of my health and my body. Honestly, I'm so very sick and tired of being so sick and tired all the time. So much of me just wishes I could cuddle up on the couch with my husband every evening after the kids are in bed and eat a bunch of food that isn't good for me in any way. But, no more. I can't do it any longer. I need change. 

I went to a natural health practitioner last week and my eyes were opened up to a lot of food intolerances that I have. Some of them I knew and blatantly ignored, others were a surprise. But, I am making the changes. I want to be able to look at the woman in the mirror and like what I see, feel confident about what I see. 

I'm tired of hiding behind the person I see in the mirror. I know underneath what I see, there's a woman that is confident and healthy, just waiting to step out into the world. I know that in many ways, I was once that woman. Confidently walking through life and then I got married and had a few kids...the effects upon my body from childbirth and exhaustion are a constant reminder of what my body went through. All of it worth it, of course, but I'm ready to focus on myself for a change. As I mentioned in my last portrait post: you can't pour from an empty cup. I'm working on filling up my cup, filling up my life with good for me, wholesome food. I'm listening to my body's cues and needs. I'm taking it one step at a time. 

I long to be able to in the mirror and know without a doubt that the woman staring back at me is confident and whole. Every day is a process. 

Portrait Six.