Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

WHOLE ME | WHOLE 30 WEEK 4

I survived my first Whole 30. I ate some cake today for my birthday. I was ok with that. I made it the 30 days. I did it. 

The last week of the Whole 30 was a bit of a blur to me. I didn't do very well with taking photos of my food. I did take some photos but as far as what I ate everyday, I can't really remember. I just remember that I ate clean and compliant to the plan and that's all that matters. Here are a few meals that I remembered to take a picture of....

I stepped on the scale the day after and was pleasantly surprised with the number I saw on the scale. I am closer to my goal weight. One step at a time. One pound at a time. 

I am taking every day now after the Whole 30, one day at a time. One meal at a time. I know now what I can eat that doesn't make me feel like crap. I know what can help me reach my goal weight. I also know that for my sanity, I can't be that strict all of the time and need to drink some wine every once in a while. But, my relationship with food is so much better than it was before. I am eating to live, not living to eat. That is where I need to be. 

In an effort to stick to a budget this month, I have started to meal plan dinners for my family. We just went shopping today for the first two weeks and came in under budget. Eating healthy can be affordable. Really. 

I will probably do another Whole 30 this fall. Now that I've made it through one, I can do another. I just need a bit of a break for a little while. The strange thing is that I already kind of miss it. Who knew? 

I am so thankful for this meal plan. It really did change how I view food and how I view myself. It will be nice to not have to have something special made for family gatherings. I am also looking forward to eating a meal at a restaurant again. 

If you want to change your body and how you think about food....do a Whole 30. I promise you won't be disappointed. 

WHOLE ME | Whole 30 Week 3

I only have about one more week until I have officially completed my first Whole 30. It feels like it's gone fairly quickly and I feel like I could eat like this on a continued basis, with some alterations. I haven't been nearly as hungry this week. I've snacked less, which is good because that's one of the things they stress about in the book: minimal snacking. I've landed into a routine of cooking the same meals over and over again, but I really don't mind. I've found a few that I really enjoy and I just keep going back to them. 

I am now starting to research my reintroduction into the world of food once my 30 days is over. I haven't completely decided what I will bring in to my diet yet or not. I know that I will be way less strict at family get togethers or when we go out to eat. I want to still be able to enjoy my life with food. But, I also am realizing how certain foods make me feel and I don't know if I will reintroduce certain things back into my life. 

The reintroduction process from Whole 30 looks like this....You can find this list here....

Here is what I ate this past week. Some of these don't look very glorious, but I assure you, these meals were all delicious. 

B: Banana, Blueberries, Almond Butter, Coffee

L: Lots of Veggies, Ground Beef, Compliant Tomato Sauce, Tomatoes, Garlic, Spinach, Mushrooms

D: Snack Tray. HB Eggs, Plantains, Dates, Guac.

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Fried Egg, Hot Sauce, Coffee

S: Strawberries, after my workout

L: Same spaghetti sauce creation and veggies

D: Chicken, some paleo mayo with hot sauce, guac.  

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Fried Egg, Coffee

L: CHIPOTLE!! My favorite thing ever. 

S: Grapes and Turkey

D: Prosciutto-Wrapped Chicken, Asparagus, Fried Eggs, Hot Sauce

B: Smoothie with Mixed Berries, Pineapple, Spinach, Almond Milk

L: Chicken Sausage, Spaghetti Creation, Veggies

D: Snack Tray: Grapes, Turkey, HB Eggs, Guac, Plantains 

(Sunday Morning, at work) 

B: HB Eggs, Larabar, Banana, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos 

D: Birthday Dinner at FIL's. Chicken, Salsa, Salad, Grapes, La Croix. (He grilled me special chicken for the occasion. Everyone else had really good looking burritos...) 

B: Sweet Potatoes, Yellow Bell Peppers, Fried Egg, Coffee

L: Spaghetti Creation, Chicken Sausage, Lots of Veggies

D: Snack Tray (again.) Snap Peas, Grapes, Guac, Plantians

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos, 

S: Grapes and Coffee while working at a coffeehouse

D: Lots of Veggies, Spaghetti Creation, Prosciutto-Wrapped Chicken. 

What I'm Learning This Week: 

1. I have been having insane dreams lately and sleeping like a rock. 

2. I'm snacking less, which is good. 

3. I haven't been nearly as hungry as before. A lot of dinners are just kind of snack trays. It's probably so I don't have to cook something. 

4. My spaghetti sauce creation is delicious but I'm pretty sick of it now. 

5. I can't wait to go to COSTCO today and restock on a ton of stuff. 

6. My allergies have been super bad but I think that's just how it goes for me. 

7. I can't wait to weigh myself next week. 

8. I've been pinning a lot of recipes for moving forward on Pinterest.

WHOLE ME | Whole 30 Week 2

Tomorrow morning marks half way through the Whole 30. Half way. Half way! I can hardly believe it myself but I have also resorted to dreaming about sneaking donuts and totally cheating on my diet. I wake up realizing that it was only a dream and then laugh at myself because I felt guilty upon waking that I totally walked into a grocery store, filled my cart with things that aren't diet compliant, and then went to town and consumed everything that I could. 

Sure, I've had cravings. Sure, I would like to have had popcorn at the movie theatre when we went on a date. Sure, I would like to not have to cook ALL OF THE TIME and wash dishes ALL OF THE TIME. But, in all reality, the past 2 weeks haven't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I have had only one day where I had a raging headache. I've landed into a pretty decent groove and routine of what I eat when. Going out to eat doesn't really happen unless it's Chipotle, which is awesome, or some breakfast joint where I can stay decently well behaved. I have felt pretty tired some days but then I sleep well and dream like crazy. 

I'm already contemplating what I will be allowing back into my diet after all of this done. I still have goals to meet. This picture has been my phone screen since I started the Whole 30. I believe this was back in 2006, so nearly 10 years ago, which is crazy to think about. I was home from college for Christmas and I was pretty darn skinny. I believe I had gone through a breakup, moved to campus, and didn't take that great of care of myself, but needless to say, this is possible. Now, after a kid and nearly ten more years since that time, I realize that my body has gone through some pretty epic changes. For example, growing a baby and then delivering the baby changed just about everything about my body chemistry. But, I am a very visual person, and having a goal in mind, is a good thing. It just shows me that I can be that weight. It is possible. I know the goal weight I am working towards and I don't want to stop until I meet it. 

So, I have 2 more weeks. I can totally do this. I need to try a few more new recipes in my rotation so I don't get tired of the eating the same things all of the time. Miraculously, I haven't tired of eggs. I LOVE eggs, which is a good thing. Here's what I ate last week. Again, if you don't want to see food photos, don't. 

B: We went out to eat. I ended up getting a Denver Skillet without the cheese and a coffee. It was so so good. 

L: Shredded Chicken, Guac, Salsa. HB Eggs. Ice Tea. 

S: Grapes and Turkey

D: Prosciutto wrapped chicken, greens beans & mushrooms cooked in Ghee. Pineapple.  

B: Bacon & Eggs. Coffee. 

L: Sweet Potatoes, Shredded Chicken, Guac, Salsa. Minus the plantains. I just forgot to take a picture. 

D: HB Eggs, Turkey, Grapes, Guac

B: HB Eggs, Banana, Blueberries, Almond Butter, Coffee

L: Chicken Sausage, Green Beans & Mushrooms, Spicy Mustard

D: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos. 

B: Cashew Cookie Lara Bar, HB Eggs, Banana, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos

S: Strawberries

D: Grapes, Plantains (I know, I know), Guac

B: HB Eggs, Bacon, Coffee

L: Chicken Sausage, Green Beans & Mushrooms, Spicy Mustard, La Croix

D: Fridge Dump....Sweet Potatoes, Shredded Chicken, Green Beans, Mushrooms, Hot Sauce

B: HB Eggs, Turkey, Peach, Coffee

L: Proscuitto Wrapped Chicken, Steamed Veggies, Grapes, 

D: Strawberries, Plantains, Guac

B: HB Eggs, Turkey, Banana, Coffee

L: Chipotle from Work!

S: Mango, Mixed Berries, Banana, Almond Milk Smoothie

D: Chicken Sausage, Veggies, Spicy Mustard, Grapes, La Croix

What I Am Learning: 

1. I still really want to weigh myself. I'm noticing a change and I am super curious to see what the scale says. 

2. I have to make time to workout. The past two days I haven't done the best at that but I'm sitting in my workout clothes as I type this. Once the kid goes down for a nap, I'm working out. 

3. La Croix is the best drink ever. 

4. I miss Ezekiel Bread in the morning with an over easy egg. 

5. Meal prep is super important. 

There you have it. Another week is done. I got this. 

I Want to Be a Loser

I know what you're thinking: What an emo title. What a great read for my Tuesday morning. Stay with me, I promise I will make some sort of sense. 

If any of you know me or have read my blog for any given amount of time, you probably know that I'm always on some sort of diet. I'm always scoping out the next meal plan or fitness routine. It is a struggle. My weight has been a constant force the past few years, a force to be reckoned with. A force that I cannot allow to sway my days any longer. 

I've been on a new plan and going to the gym very consistently as of late and I feel awesome. I feel awesome until the fateful time I step on the scale every week, only to be hit with the same darn number. My muscle mass is going up, my fat mass is going down, but still no budge. Not even a smidgen. It stares back at me like something that has been etched long ago into cement, never to change or morph. 

I'm sick of staring at that scale. I don't want to any more. I want to wake up every morning knowing that I'm feeding my body extremely well, taking care of it, lifting my weights, and sweating my butt off. That's all I need. That's really all I want. 

I still want to be a loser though. A loser of pounds. A gainer of muscle, confidence, and strength. My jeans are buttoning easier than they used to and I've had to wear a belt with my favorite blue jeans. I am not only a number. I am a strong women that is taking this one step at a time. 

As I was cooking my meals for the week last night, it really hit me. No more scale. No more measuring. No more stressing out and feeling miserable. Just living and breathing, sweating and enduring. That's it. Healthy meals, healthy habits, kick butt workouts. 

Simply put this morning: I want to be a loser. But, the scale and I are going to break up for a while. 

And I feel totally alright with that. 

Another Step

Some of you may know this and some of you may not. Last fall I went on the HCG diet. Highly controversial and fairly insane, but I still did it. I lost a lot of weight in the process. Was it worth it? In some ways -yes, in some ways- no. Have I kept all of the weight off? Most of it. Will I ever take myself through that torture again? No way. The second round I became so sick and I feel like my body still has damage from that diet. 

*If you're on that diet, go for it. If you're not, that's probably a good thing. It works, but it sucks. (That's my two cents.) 

So, I've taken another step to reach my goal. Weight Watchers. I tell you all this to hold myself accountable and to also state that the first week I've been on it has been wonderful. For those of you that don't know what the diet entails, you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you stay within your daily points. My OCD mind loves the ability to track everything online or on my phone too. This feels much safer. I feel much healthier and fully believe I will make these results stick this time around. 

Breakfast is still my favorite meal ever. 

I also plan on posting some recipes during my endeavor to the change the way I eat and take care of myself. I made this one on friday. Piece of cake and only 5 points per serving. Awesome. This recipe is specifically from Weight Watchers.

SLOW COOKER: RED BEANS, SAUSAGE, and RICE SOUP

Ingredients

	1 clove(s) (medium) garlic clove(s), minced
	1 medium red onion(s), chopped
	1 stalk(s) (large) celery, rib, chopped
	1 medium green pepper(s), chopped
	15 oz canned kidney beans, dark-variety, rinsed and drained
	14 1/2 oz canned diced tomatoes, undrained
	9 oz cooked chicken sausage, andouille-style, cut into bite-size pieces
	1/4 tsp dried thyme
	1/4 tsp black pepper
	6 cup(s) fat-free chicken broth
	1 cup(s) uncooked white rice, converted-variety recommended

Instructions

• Place garlic, onion, celery, bell pepper, beans, tomatoes with their juices and sausage in a 5-quart slow cooker. Add thyme and pepper; stir well.
  
  
• Pour in broth and rice; stir again. Cover slow cooker and set on high power; cook for 4 hours. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

Notes

• We recommend converted rice because regular long-grain rice can become mushy in slow cooker recipes.
  To turn up the heat, add 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne pepper with the thyme.
  Season to taste with salt and pepper.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  It turned out to be quite good.