Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Portrait One

(One of the things on my 32 Things Before 32 list is to take a self-portrait once per month. Here's August.) 

I see a lot of things when I look at this photograph. I hate to admit how many pictures I took before I landed on one that was decent, at least in my mind.  I'm usually the girl behind the camera not the one in front of the camera. I feel a lot of things looking at this photograph. I had a baby a mere seven weeks ago and I can see the extra weight on my frame and in my face. My pants are a few sizes larger than I would like them to be. I wear a lot of tunics right now. In the past, I have always shied away from being in photographs when I don't feel the best in my own skin. I don't feel the best in my own skin lately. Postpartum skin is always an adventure and a process.  Healing from a c-section has been something I would like to not have to experience ever again. I'm ravenously hungry pretty much all of the time when I am breastfeeding and never feel fully satisfied. 

Sure, I have some weight to lose. Sure, my eyes look tired because I have a seven week old and a toddler to care for. Sure, there are some things I would change. 

But, you know what else I see? I see a woman that carried two children for 9 months each in this body. I have fed and nurtured two children with this body. I see a woman that is trying her best to parent two children well and to give them the very best life that we can in our home. I see a woman that is strong and capable. I see of woman that has dreams and aspirations, goals and hopes. I see a woman that is in a season that has never before been experienced. A new challenge, a new hope. 

"From the very beginning, we grow and mature because problems propel us towards solutions. Hunger drives us to attain what we do not have; discomforts push us through frustrations. So our babies grow strong, creative, and smart-- because they persevere. In the same way, our adult minds and bodies do not thrive through comfort, but challenge. Life throws a million curveballs demanding brave responses. By walking though the darkness, taking every despairing step until we reach the land of dawn-- this is how we learn to love goodness, to sacrifice for beauty, and to cultivate enough hope for the next time. Even if next time the valley is darker and longer than before."  

Catherine McNiel   Long Days of Small Things

#RESTORE | The 35 Day Jazzercise Challenge

At the end of last year I stepped out of my comfort zone and signed up for Jazzercise. Most people think that is pretty funny but when I show them what a normal class looks like, like the video below, they then understand that I work my booty off in the process and have a lot of fun doing it. No, I don't wear leg warmers. I do try and wear funky patterned pants because that's just how I like to roll. I wanted to find something that challenged me and helped me feel strong. I wanted something that gave me freedom and a desire to get up and workout.

I have loved every single second of my journey so far in the world of Jazzercise. No, I haven't lost the 30lbs that I would love to get off of my frame. No, I'm not a lean twig. But, I feel STRONG. I feel EMPOWERED. I feel like I could take on anything that comes my way. My brain is clearer, my daily life is more determined. I am a better wife, mom, and employee. 

At the beginning of February, my Jazzercise place started a challenge: 30 classes in 35 days. At first I was thinking...." There's no way I can pull that off with my schedule." But, in a fit of craziness, I signed up. My name card hung on the board at class and I started with determination. It was hard, I won't lie about that. I woke up at 4:45am A LOT during this challenge because that was the only time I could make it to class with work and a toddler. In the beginning, I went through and figured out how often per week I would have to go to meet my mark. I needed to go to Jazzercise 6 days a week to make it in 35 days.

AND I DID! 

First day. Of course after the class when I am a sweaty mess.

This was today. The last day of the challenge. Wearing my awesome tank top.

This morning was my last class of the challenge and I proudly accepted the tank top. This tank top is more to me than a piece of clothing. It is a symbol of something that I conquered, something that I didn't think I could do. I truly have NEVER worked out this much in my entire life. 6 days a week for 1 hour a day. That's a lot. 

I could have eaten better and probably would have lost more weight but I lost 6 inches in 30 days. I feel more confident than I ever have before in my mom body. I still have my mom pouch but my clothes are fitting better. 

I have found a strength and passion that I didn't know that I had. The gals at Jazzercise are so encouraging and I love going there. If I am going to get up at the crack of dawn, it better be worth it. And it is! I am even toying with the idea of someday becoming an instructor. We shall see!

This is all part of my effort to RESTORE myself this year. My one little word. Never stop going after your goals. Never stop trying new things and seeking out new experiences. Never stop. You won't be sorry. I am not sorry. I am thankful that I kept going, that I kept moving. I'm not stopping now. 

WHOLE ME | Whole 30 Week 3

I only have about one more week until I have officially completed my first Whole 30. It feels like it's gone fairly quickly and I feel like I could eat like this on a continued basis, with some alterations. I haven't been nearly as hungry this week. I've snacked less, which is good because that's one of the things they stress about in the book: minimal snacking. I've landed into a routine of cooking the same meals over and over again, but I really don't mind. I've found a few that I really enjoy and I just keep going back to them. 

I am now starting to research my reintroduction into the world of food once my 30 days is over. I haven't completely decided what I will bring in to my diet yet or not. I know that I will be way less strict at family get togethers or when we go out to eat. I want to still be able to enjoy my life with food. But, I also am realizing how certain foods make me feel and I don't know if I will reintroduce certain things back into my life. 

The reintroduction process from Whole 30 looks like this....You can find this list here....

Here is what I ate this past week. Some of these don't look very glorious, but I assure you, these meals were all delicious. 

B: Banana, Blueberries, Almond Butter, Coffee

L: Lots of Veggies, Ground Beef, Compliant Tomato Sauce, Tomatoes, Garlic, Spinach, Mushrooms

D: Snack Tray. HB Eggs, Plantains, Dates, Guac.

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Fried Egg, Hot Sauce, Coffee

S: Strawberries, after my workout

L: Same spaghetti sauce creation and veggies

D: Chicken, some paleo mayo with hot sauce, guac.  

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Fried Egg, Coffee

L: CHIPOTLE!! My favorite thing ever. 

S: Grapes and Turkey

D: Prosciutto-Wrapped Chicken, Asparagus, Fried Eggs, Hot Sauce

B: Smoothie with Mixed Berries, Pineapple, Spinach, Almond Milk

L: Chicken Sausage, Spaghetti Creation, Veggies

D: Snack Tray: Grapes, Turkey, HB Eggs, Guac, Plantains 

(Sunday Morning, at work) 

B: HB Eggs, Larabar, Banana, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos 

D: Birthday Dinner at FIL's. Chicken, Salsa, Salad, Grapes, La Croix. (He grilled me special chicken for the occasion. Everyone else had really good looking burritos...) 

B: Sweet Potatoes, Yellow Bell Peppers, Fried Egg, Coffee

L: Spaghetti Creation, Chicken Sausage, Lots of Veggies

D: Snack Tray (again.) Snap Peas, Grapes, Guac, Plantians

B: Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Sausage, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos, 

S: Grapes and Coffee while working at a coffeehouse

D: Lots of Veggies, Spaghetti Creation, Prosciutto-Wrapped Chicken. 

What I'm Learning This Week: 

1. I have been having insane dreams lately and sleeping like a rock. 

2. I'm snacking less, which is good. 

3. I haven't been nearly as hungry as before. A lot of dinners are just kind of snack trays. It's probably so I don't have to cook something. 

4. My spaghetti sauce creation is delicious but I'm pretty sick of it now. 

5. I can't wait to go to COSTCO today and restock on a ton of stuff. 

6. My allergies have been super bad but I think that's just how it goes for me. 

7. I can't wait to weigh myself next week. 

8. I've been pinning a lot of recipes for moving forward on Pinterest.

WHOLE ME | Whole 30 Week 2

Tomorrow morning marks half way through the Whole 30. Half way. Half way! I can hardly believe it myself but I have also resorted to dreaming about sneaking donuts and totally cheating on my diet. I wake up realizing that it was only a dream and then laugh at myself because I felt guilty upon waking that I totally walked into a grocery store, filled my cart with things that aren't diet compliant, and then went to town and consumed everything that I could. 

Sure, I've had cravings. Sure, I would like to have had popcorn at the movie theatre when we went on a date. Sure, I would like to not have to cook ALL OF THE TIME and wash dishes ALL OF THE TIME. But, in all reality, the past 2 weeks haven't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I have had only one day where I had a raging headache. I've landed into a pretty decent groove and routine of what I eat when. Going out to eat doesn't really happen unless it's Chipotle, which is awesome, or some breakfast joint where I can stay decently well behaved. I have felt pretty tired some days but then I sleep well and dream like crazy. 

I'm already contemplating what I will be allowing back into my diet after all of this done. I still have goals to meet. This picture has been my phone screen since I started the Whole 30. I believe this was back in 2006, so nearly 10 years ago, which is crazy to think about. I was home from college for Christmas and I was pretty darn skinny. I believe I had gone through a breakup, moved to campus, and didn't take that great of care of myself, but needless to say, this is possible. Now, after a kid and nearly ten more years since that time, I realize that my body has gone through some pretty epic changes. For example, growing a baby and then delivering the baby changed just about everything about my body chemistry. But, I am a very visual person, and having a goal in mind, is a good thing. It just shows me that I can be that weight. It is possible. I know the goal weight I am working towards and I don't want to stop until I meet it. 

So, I have 2 more weeks. I can totally do this. I need to try a few more new recipes in my rotation so I don't get tired of the eating the same things all of the time. Miraculously, I haven't tired of eggs. I LOVE eggs, which is a good thing. Here's what I ate last week. Again, if you don't want to see food photos, don't. 

B: We went out to eat. I ended up getting a Denver Skillet without the cheese and a coffee. It was so so good. 

L: Shredded Chicken, Guac, Salsa. HB Eggs. Ice Tea. 

S: Grapes and Turkey

D: Prosciutto wrapped chicken, greens beans & mushrooms cooked in Ghee. Pineapple.  

B: Bacon & Eggs. Coffee. 

L: Sweet Potatoes, Shredded Chicken, Guac, Salsa. Minus the plantains. I just forgot to take a picture. 

D: HB Eggs, Turkey, Grapes, Guac

B: HB Eggs, Banana, Blueberries, Almond Butter, Coffee

L: Chicken Sausage, Green Beans & Mushrooms, Spicy Mustard

D: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos. 

B: Cashew Cookie Lara Bar, HB Eggs, Banana, Coffee

L: Shrimp Stir Fry w/ Coconut Aminos

S: Strawberries

D: Grapes, Plantains (I know, I know), Guac

B: HB Eggs, Bacon, Coffee

L: Chicken Sausage, Green Beans & Mushrooms, Spicy Mustard, La Croix

D: Fridge Dump....Sweet Potatoes, Shredded Chicken, Green Beans, Mushrooms, Hot Sauce

B: HB Eggs, Turkey, Peach, Coffee

L: Proscuitto Wrapped Chicken, Steamed Veggies, Grapes, 

D: Strawberries, Plantains, Guac

B: HB Eggs, Turkey, Banana, Coffee

L: Chipotle from Work!

S: Mango, Mixed Berries, Banana, Almond Milk Smoothie

D: Chicken Sausage, Veggies, Spicy Mustard, Grapes, La Croix

What I Am Learning: 

1. I still really want to weigh myself. I'm noticing a change and I am super curious to see what the scale says. 

2. I have to make time to workout. The past two days I haven't done the best at that but I'm sitting in my workout clothes as I type this. Once the kid goes down for a nap, I'm working out. 

3. La Croix is the best drink ever. 

4. I miss Ezekiel Bread in the morning with an over easy egg. 

5. Meal prep is super important. 

There you have it. Another week is done. I got this. 

Oatmeal Raisin Bites

The man and I have been on Weight Watchers for a while and we really love it, as far as diets go. I guess I should really call it a lifestyle because I hardly ever feel deprived and that's why I've returned to the plan time and time again. One thing is for sure though, I still love me some baking. It's therapeutic for me to put some headphones and tunes on, get myself covered in flour and brown sugar, and bake something yummy. Some recipes suck in this regard because they aren't good for you, but some, like the ones from WW's are a godsend. I still get my cookie/bread/cake fix and know that I won't totally blog my diet. Win, win. 

The recipe that I recently tried was for Oatmeal Raisin Bites. I only altered the recipe a tad. I added one more egg (which might take this up to 3 points per cookie, instead of two), because the dough was really dry. 

The hubby, roommates, and any other person that walked into our home greatly approved. I will remember this recipe. 

You will need: 

1 1/2 cups uncooked rolled oats

3/4 cups whole-grain wheat flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp table salt

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 cups regular butter, softened

1/2 cups packed brown sugar

1/4 cups sugar

2 large eggs

1tsp vanilla extract

1 cup raising, chopped 

• 
  

Preheat oven to 350ºF

In a medium bowl, combine oats, flour, baking powder, salt and cinnamon; set aside. 

Using an electric mixer, cream butter and both sugars until incorporated. Add egg and vanilla; mix thoroughly.

 Add egg and vanilla; mix thoroughly. Add oat mixture and mix until just combined; fold in raisins.

The hubby helped. 

Drop rounded teaspoons of batter onto 2 ungreased cookie sheets, about 1-inch apart each. Bake for 9 to 10 minutes for chewy cookies or 11 to 12 minutes for crispy cookies. Remove from oven and let cookies rest on cookie sheets for about 2 minutes; remove cookies to a wire rack to cool completely. Yields 1 cookie per serving.

Side note: I left these in the oven a tad longer because of the addition of the 2nd egg. They took a little longer to bake completely. 

I'm sad they all have already been eaten. 

I Want to Be a Loser

I know what you're thinking: What an emo title. What a great read for my Tuesday morning. Stay with me, I promise I will make some sort of sense. 

If any of you know me or have read my blog for any given amount of time, you probably know that I'm always on some sort of diet. I'm always scoping out the next meal plan or fitness routine. It is a struggle. My weight has been a constant force the past few years, a force to be reckoned with. A force that I cannot allow to sway my days any longer. 

I've been on a new plan and going to the gym very consistently as of late and I feel awesome. I feel awesome until the fateful time I step on the scale every week, only to be hit with the same darn number. My muscle mass is going up, my fat mass is going down, but still no budge. Not even a smidgen. It stares back at me like something that has been etched long ago into cement, never to change or morph. 

I'm sick of staring at that scale. I don't want to any more. I want to wake up every morning knowing that I'm feeding my body extremely well, taking care of it, lifting my weights, and sweating my butt off. That's all I need. That's really all I want. 

I still want to be a loser though. A loser of pounds. A gainer of muscle, confidence, and strength. My jeans are buttoning easier than they used to and I've had to wear a belt with my favorite blue jeans. I am not only a number. I am a strong women that is taking this one step at a time. 

As I was cooking my meals for the week last night, it really hit me. No more scale. No more measuring. No more stressing out and feeling miserable. Just living and breathing, sweating and enduring. That's it. Healthy meals, healthy habits, kick butt workouts. 

Simply put this morning: I want to be a loser. But, the scale and I are going to break up for a while. 

And I feel totally alright with that. 

Another Step

Some of you may know this and some of you may not. Last fall I went on the HCG diet. Highly controversial and fairly insane, but I still did it. I lost a lot of weight in the process. Was it worth it? In some ways -yes, in some ways- no. Have I kept all of the weight off? Most of it. Will I ever take myself through that torture again? No way. The second round I became so sick and I feel like my body still has damage from that diet. 

*If you're on that diet, go for it. If you're not, that's probably a good thing. It works, but it sucks. (That's my two cents.) 

So, I've taken another step to reach my goal. Weight Watchers. I tell you all this to hold myself accountable and to also state that the first week I've been on it has been wonderful. For those of you that don't know what the diet entails, you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you stay within your daily points. My OCD mind loves the ability to track everything online or on my phone too. This feels much safer. I feel much healthier and fully believe I will make these results stick this time around. 

Breakfast is still my favorite meal ever. 

I also plan on posting some recipes during my endeavor to the change the way I eat and take care of myself. I made this one on friday. Piece of cake and only 5 points per serving. Awesome. This recipe is specifically from Weight Watchers.

SLOW COOKER: RED BEANS, SAUSAGE, and RICE SOUP

Ingredients

	1 clove(s) (medium) garlic clove(s), minced
	1 medium red onion(s), chopped
	1 stalk(s) (large) celery, rib, chopped
	1 medium green pepper(s), chopped
	15 oz canned kidney beans, dark-variety, rinsed and drained
	14 1/2 oz canned diced tomatoes, undrained
	9 oz cooked chicken sausage, andouille-style, cut into bite-size pieces
	1/4 tsp dried thyme
	1/4 tsp black pepper
	6 cup(s) fat-free chicken broth
	1 cup(s) uncooked white rice, converted-variety recommended

Instructions

• Place garlic, onion, celery, bell pepper, beans, tomatoes with their juices and sausage in a 5-quart slow cooker. Add thyme and pepper; stir well.
  
  
• Pour in broth and rice; stir again. Cover slow cooker and set on high power; cook for 4 hours. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

Notes

• We recommend converted rice because regular long-grain rice can become mushy in slow cooker recipes.
  To turn up the heat, add 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne pepper with the thyme.
  Season to taste with salt and pepper.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  It turned out to be quite good. 
  
  
  
  
  

With Every Pound Lost

For those of you that don't know, today is a grand day. I am a little more than half way to loosing the pounds I have set out to lose and to achieving my goal weight. (Which is the amount I weighed the day I graduated high school.) This is a little more personal than normal, but once I got married, I became quite comfortable with my wonderful existence and started to pack on the pounds. In a goal to become as healthy as possible for myself, my husband, and the potential kids we desire to have in the future, I made a major life change. 

I have been on a new, pretty intense eating plan for the past month or so. I am down 20 lbs today! The weight on the scale is one I haven't seen since sometime in college. It feels really good. I can't believe the discipline I actually have! Seeing the pounds come off a little more everyday is reason enough for me to continue on. 

I feel like I could take on the world! 

I have been daydreaming about some new outfits that I want to buy once I reach my goal weight. It is good encouragement to actually be working towards some wonderful new outfits! I tend to gravitate towards blacks and whites, but lately I've been trying to add some color to my wardrobe. Lots of oranges, reds, and floral. 

Here's some items on my wish list! 

From Red Velvet: 

(For my husband: this is what your wife would love for Christmas!) :) 

From Modcloth.com: 

And being a photographer, I have major bag envy for this....

From Jo Totes: 

Life is good.