Portrait Eight

This photo was taken in March as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month...

This photograph singlehandedly marks the end of an era for me. It portrays a bend and sway in my work-life balance. I took this photograph on my last day of working for Vintage City Church. Around the beginning of the year, I kept feeling these rumblings deep in my soul, like little whispers of change. I ignored them for a number of months and kept continuing down my path of working from home and the office, constantly being on my computer or taking a phone call. I kept having a short fuse with my children (which honestly is still something I struggle with.) I was pouring myself out whole heartedly into a place where I was challenged and grew. The three and a half years I had spent there have been wonderful and I don't take them for granted. 

But deep down inside I knew change was coming. I started to prayerfully consider some other options. I was honestly sick and tired of being pulled away from my family so much when I was home or staring at a computer screen while my kids were scattering toys around me. Change was needed. 

I made strides to bring about change and ended up going back to work where I was before, a pediactric dental office. Working in a church is great and I know I was pretty dang good at what I did but after a while it wears on you. When you work for a church, you are in ministry for what feels like 24/7. All of the time. Never getting a break and time to breathe. I would look at my children sitting at the dinner table and it would hit me like a ton of bricks...

They are only little like this once. 

That's 940 Saturdays with them before they are 18 and are ready to leave the house. 

I have no desire for my children to always see me glued to my phone or my computer. Still there but never present. 

I now only work 3 days a week. Going to the office is like a little mom vacation and I LOVE what I'm doing. It feels good to be back in the business world, in the marketplace. Granted, we aren't nearly as financially stable as before but the trade off has been totally worth it. 

I get 4 days in a row now where I don't have to check my email or answer numerous phone calls. 4 days of freedom. I also have the opportunity now to be way more involved in the worship side of things at church and it is so refreshing to not have a million things and responsibilities on my plate now when I am there. 

The girl in this photograph seems almost like a distant memory to me now. 

I am so thankful for that. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Eight

As of today, Sullivan James Hollen has been with us for a total of 261 days since his July arrival. Those days have passed so swiftly already and in a little more than one hundred days, he will be a year old. My baby boy is turning into a little boy right before my eyes, a little more everyday. As a mom, I am constantly stressing how quickly time moves in our lives and how I wish it would just slow down a bit. But then there are other days where I can't wait for him to hit a specific milestone and I wonder what he will be like when he is a bit older or is a teenager. Having two teenagers in our home...oof. I don't want to think about that quite yet. 

Next week on the 3rd of April, Sullivan will be 9 months old. I have slowly been dropping nursing and pumping sessions with him. Granted, he is still getting a bottle in place of my nursing, but I needed to prepare for my new job that starts next week. I really want to get to the point of only having to pump once, probably at lunch during the day, instead of two times while I'm there. I love the early morning and bedtime nursing sessions and want to hold onto to those until we at least make it to a year. I feel like these times are so important in our bonding and I try to cherish them. They will disappear someday and I will miss them. Sullivan is probably our last baby and I may never nurse another little babe ever again. Yes, pumping is a drag and I pretty much hate it, but it's a necessary evil right now. Luckily, I will only be in the office three days a week and will only need to pump those three days. 

I'm curious to see if my milk supply starts to drop significantly as I start dropping sessions. Hopefully my body responds in a way where it produces enough for the feedings I want to keep and doesn't drop completely. We will see. I am looking forward to not always building my outfit choices around the ability to nurse easier. I also am looking forward to not washing pump parts day in and day out. I plan on getting some nice new bras that don't involve latches and nursing options. That will be a welcomed day. But, for now, we press onward. My goal is one year. We can totally do this. 

Want to know something amazing? You know what I didn't do all day yesterday or today? 

I didn't work. I didn't obsessively check my email. I didn't worry about a church schedule or paying a bill or turning in expenses..or this thing...or that thing... Hallelujah. I was having a hard time making this transition in the beginning because I am slowly realizing how so much of my existence was wrapped up in my job. But, I am moving beyond that. I am excited for the next chapter in our lives. I am excited to go to Easter Sunday and not WORK. I get to go to church with my family and then go to brunch afterwards. This decision is a good one. I am finally confident in that. 

Week Thirty Eight. 

Here's Marin at week thirty eight. 

Hollen Holidays | Thanksgiving 2017

Around this time of year, I always try to take a morning and write down the things that I am thankful for. I wish I didn't always need it be around the Thanksgiving holiday to remember to take the time to do this, but this holiday is always a great reminder of how sweet life truly is. 

In this season of our lives, I am grateful and thankful for....

The sunrise peaking over the house across the street, slowly revealing glorious colors to welcome the new day. The heat that is moving through our little home. Our home....every room, every nook, every cranny. Every unpainted room and cat-scratched piece of furniture. Our overflowing fridge, freezer, and pantry. The new van in the driveway and the realization that I get to rock the mom mobile once more. My voice. My mind. My body even though I am still tired and getting over being sick. Even though my body hasn't bounced back hardly at all since having Sully. My C-Section pooch. My stretch marks, my tiger stripes. The early morning hours before my family starts to stir. The children warm and cozy, sleeping in their beds. Marin's spunk and imagination, that challenges me most days and makes me a better parent. Breastfeeding Sullivan in the early morning glow of his night light. nap times. Meals at the table. Trips to the library. The holidays. The fact that we can afford Christmas presents. The roof over our heads. The balance in our bank account. Our jobs. The flexibility of my job. Quiet time. My Bible and the warm cup of coffee beside me. The changing of seasons. Bath time for the kids. Taking a walk with the double stroller. Spending time with Ryan after a long day, decompressing. Lunch with the great grandparents. A Sunday off for New Years. Leading and playing worship music. Marin's preschool. Being able to pay all of our bills. Grandparents. Dishwashers and clothes dryers. Books that challenge me. Music that moves me and reminds of another time and place. Cooking a good meal. A glass of wine. Vintage City Church. 

I could go on and on....

We have a lot to be thankful for. 

Our Thanksgiving this year started with breakfast at home. I made cinnamon rolls and bacon. We drank a lot of coffee. 

The rest of the morning was spent picking up the house, feeding the baby, making green bean casserole. I tried a new recipe this year...it was okay. I think I'll go back to the classic dish next year.

We went to the Hollen's house this year for our Thanksgiving meal. We usually trade off every other year. Next year will be my side of the family. 

Marin talked about eating turkey all week and that she would try it out. She was pretty impatient waiting for everything to cook and be ready. She kept sitting at the table a good hour before we actually ate, anticipating the meal. Go figure though, she didn't try a single bite of turkey. What a goober.

As part of the centerpiece for the meal, the Hollen's had a bring a book or two that we were grateful for. I had a hard time narrowing it down but I brought Long Days of Small Things: Motherhood as a Spiritual Discipline and Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living. It was a cool way for us to discuss how books have shaped us. I can go back and talk about the seasons I was in when I read these books.

Obligatory Food Picture on Thanksgiving

Ryan brought The Hobbit, or There and Back Again and Marin brought Corduroy.

It was a wonderful day full of family and too much food. I am so thankful for our families and our full bellies. 

This morning I tried to convince Marin that we could have a special treat...apple pie at ten in the morning and that we should watch Elf. But, she's crazy and didn't touch her pie and didn't want to watch Elf. Come on, kiddo. Jump on the day after Thanksgiving train! I just offered to let you eat dessert in the morning. Oh well....

Baby Sullivan | Week Twenty

We took a stroller ride so Mommy & Daddy could get some wine and beer. 

Holy cow, week twenty. It dawned on me today that in a few short weeks, our little dude will be 5 months old. Somehow we are already almost half way through our first year with Sullivan James. As I write this, he is on his play mat in the kitchen. He's screeching and making dinosaur sounds. He's becoming very aware of his surroundings lately and doesn't want to miss a thing. Marin is eating chicken nuggets and grapes like a boss. She could eat chicken nuggets every night for dinner and not blink an eye. We are waiting for Daddy to come home from work after what I am sure is a super crazy day because he works at a grocery store and it's only a few days before Thanksgiving. 

We are all slowly getting healthy around here. Sully had a rough night two nights ago and was up a lot. He was also running a little fever. Now though, he's back to his adorable, little, happy and content self. I was up at 2am this morning because I couldn't stop coughing. You know how when you get sick and the cough settles in for a while, then you get that gnarly tickle in your throat that seems to present itself at the least opportune times? That's where I reside currently. In an effort to not wake my sleeping husband, I went downstairs, made some tea with honey and watched some television until Sully woke up to eat in the early hours of the morning. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired today but I feel like I'm slowly getting over it. I have to sing a lot at church the next two weeks so I'm trying to take better care of myself. 

I'm pretty sure Sullivan is already teething because he has been a slobbery mess lately and gnaws on everything he can get his hands on. Marin was super late getting teeth...almost one year old. I never had to nurse her with teeth. I believe that Sullivan will get them earlier than that and he will probably be a little biter. So much fun is to be had. Oh boy! I think we are going to wait a little while to start introducing solids and take more of the baby-weaning approach verses the rice cereal and baby purees. He's already super interested in food and watches you like a hawk whenever you are eating pretty much anything. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be a great eater. He already is which is probably why he is such a big dude. 

Marin loves her little Christmas tree in her room. 

We started setting up Christmas decorations on Monday when we were all off from work. I know....I know. It's not even Thanksgiving yet but I don't care one bit. I want those twinkly lights glowing in my living room for as long as I can before I start getting into crazy Christmas lady territory. We are making plans to see the Zoo Lights in Denver and meet Santa Claus. I also want to go look at Christmas lights and drink hot chocolate and drive around in the new mom mobile, which I am loving. Seriously, I almost hate to admit how much I love the mom van again. It feels right at this season in our lives. Just like our little home does too. I just feel the need to put roots down where we are for a while lately. This season always causes me to feel that way. 

That bouncer is pretty much the only way I ever got ready for the day or went to the bathroom with Marin. It has returned. 

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and spending time with family. We are starting a new tradition of cinnamon rolls and bacon for breakfast on Thanksgiving. Then, we are heading to the Hollen's for lots of yummy food and time spent with family. I want to soak it all in, as best I can. 

Week Twenty. 

Marin at Week Twenty. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifteen

I was wiping the bottom of one of our adorabe children today and it hit me....this is where we are. This is part of who we are. This season of my life doesn't completely define who I am but it helps define parts of who I am. If someone had sat me down 10 years ago and told me that I would be married, working at a church, own our home, and have 2 small children under 4 years old...I probably would have laughed you out of the room. Back then, my grandiose vision contained dreams of traveling the world, playing music, taking photos, living in the northwest. My dreams didn't really consist of cleaning the bathroom, conquering mountains of laundry (how many people live in my house? I want to know!), dealing with toddler tantrums, and fussy babies. 

But, here we are. I am right here, in this moment of wiping bums and noses. I am right here in this moment of scrubbing down the carseat after Sullivan had a major explosion at the grandparent's house while I was working at church. I am right here, playing out in the leaves with my preschooler, holding the baby in my lap and watching Marin slide her Barbies down the slide. I am right here with the sun on my face, longing for this fall season to stick around for a while longer. 

Would I like to be traveling the world, being creative? Of course. But, I'm also totally content where I am right in this very moment. I never wanted to admit before that one of the callings upon my life was to be a wife and mom. I honestly used to think that was an excuse to not succeed in my career or passions. Now, I see it as one of the most important callings of all. I don't care what other people think about that anymore. Certain aspects of my creative life are in a stand still right now. I see that, I feel that pretty much all of the time. But, the fact that we get to raise our children without having them in daycare 40 hours a week is the biggest blessing we have right now. I still get to work full time but still get to be home with my kiddos throughout the week. I don't take that lightly. I am super blessed by a job that allows me to do just that. 

The next time I start to feel the ache of my former life before becoming a mom, I just need to open my eyes to where I am in this season. I need to be okay with reheating my coffee for the 800th time in the last few hours. I need to be okay with the sand dumped all over the living room rug from Marin's boots because that means that she was out playing and learning and living. I need to be okay with the 4:30am feedings and cherish them with everything I have because they will disappear soon enough. I need to soak in the mornings when Marin has to give me multiple hugs before sitting down to eat breakfast. 

Sullivan is fifteen weeks old today. We've had many diaper explosions the past few days. I've scoured Pinterest far too much for ways to get poop stains out of baby clothes. He's asleep next to me on the floor of the basement as I write this and we are surrounded by an explosion of toys, thanks to Marin. Tomorrow, we are bringing snack to preschool, I am a teacher for the morning, and Ryan and I are the music teachers. 

10 years ago, I didn't think my life would look like this now. But, I'm so grateful that it does look this way. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Twelve

I love this photo. He seems so hardcore. 

The weather has cooled down a bit in the past few days and it rained all of yesterday. We even turned on our heater the other night because it was freezing in our home. This is my happy place. The first day of fall has arrived and Sullivan is twelve weeks old. 

I'm back to work in full swing and pumping will probably be the death of me. I also keep forgetting to bring the little lids that go on top of the bottles for after I pump. I've resorted to pouring the milk into water bottles until I can get them home and put a lid on them. Seriously. How do I keep doing that? Those lids are important. I want to keep my supply up so I'm pumping on the same schedule that I feed him, give or take an hour or so. Sundays are the hardest because the second I step foot at church/work, my day flies by at breakneck speed. 

Sullivan is all smiles and coos. He is finding his voice. He's outgrowing all of his clothes and I need to get him some pants because cooler weather is coming soon. He is already in 3-6 month clothes and is growing like a weed. He loves playing on the activity mat that we had for Marin. I feel bad for the little guy though because it's very pink but he doesn't seem to mind at all. 

Sorry for all of the pink, buddy. 

Marin caught a cold in the last few days so we've been taking it super easy at home and just praying that she takes long naps and gets healthy. Now that she's in preschool, I'm sure she's around a lot more germs than before. I'm also consistently asking her to stay out of baby brother's face because a sick baby is never any fun for anyone. I'm praying that she is on the mend because she has preschool again tomorrow and I know she will be super bummed if she has to miss it because her nose is so runny. 

The weeks are moving so swiftly and we are almost in October already. I decorated the inside of our home for fall. I'm ready to drink lots of hot coffee. I want to take the kids to a pumpkin patch this year. We've never done that before and I think Marin would have a blast. I feel the need to try and slow down a bit in our lives but it becomes difficult when our weeks are so full. The days go very quickly. With every new week, I'm left wondering where the previous week went. It will be Christmas before we know it and we will have an almost 4 year old and a 6 month old! My goodness. 

Week Twelve. And just for fun....Marin at 12 Weeks

Baby Sullivan | Week Ten

Last Wednesday, we took Sullivan to his 2 month old check up. I cannot fully grasp the fact that we have a ten week old already but here we are. I was so curious to find out how much he weighed and how he's growing. As it turns out....he has no problems with growth. This wasn't a surprise to me because every morning I go in to get him out of his crib, he has grown a bit more. He eats like a champ, still every 2.5-3 hours. Sometimes I can stretch is to 4 hours, but that's pretty rare. 

We have a huge baby. I'm not over exaggerating at all. He arrived large and he just keeps growing. Sully is in the 90th percentile in pretty much everything: weight, height, and head circumference. He is 2 months old and weighs 14 lb., 6.7oz! He has grown 3.5 inches since he was born. Just to paint a picture of his size, our daughter, who is going to be four in February, weighs 30 lb. right now. Little Sully, who isn't really that little, is half the size of his big sister! He's also pretty tall so the doctor wasn't worried at all about the weight gain. It's such a relief to have a baby that gains weight well and not have to have the discussions with the doctor about the need to gain more weight. He's going to be the size of a football player when he gets older. 

Marin started preschool last week and I am so proud of her. We didn't have any tears on either day. As long as mommy and daddy escape out of the classroom at a quick speed, she seems fine. She's ready to go play and learn. I really believe that this will be so good for her. She needs to be out of the house and around other children. I know she will find confidence and independence in this new journey. It's good for us as parents and for her as a growing child that learns so much more when she has the opportunity to explore the world around her. 

I officially returned to work on Sunday at church. This was my first full Sunday on the clock and I was praying that everything went smoothly. I was a little anxious about feeding Sully on time and pumping and still actually being able to do my job. I woke up at 4am (ouch!) and fed Sully. I put him back down, took a shower, got ready for the day ahead. Before I left for work around 6am, I pumped so that Ryan could feed him at 7/7:30am. During our first service, I went into the nursery and fed Sully at 10am. Marin and Sully both left after first service with Grandma-doo and Grandpa-doo. They fed Marin lunch at Culvers and fed a bottle from my pumping stash to Sully around 1-ish pm. I got the kids home, put Marin down for a nap, and pumped. Whew. We made it. No one died. Everyone was fed and well taken care of. I know I couldn't have pulled it off without my wonderful husband getting both kids to church and Ryan's parents taking the kiddos after first service. It all worked out fine and I know we can handle Sunday mornings!

It felt so good to be back at work. I'm so thankful for that, especially due to the anxiety I was feeling leading up to the end of my maternity leave. Everything has worked itself out. Our schedules are pretty busy heading into this fall season, but my heart has been overwhelmingly full lately. I cannot imagine our life without two kids now. I have an awesome job that I got to return to with ease. Life is good. 

The crazy family. 

Week Ten.