Portrait Eight

This photo was taken in March as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month...

This photograph singlehandedly marks the end of an era for me. It portrays a bend and sway in my work-life balance. I took this photograph on my last day of working for Vintage City Church. Around the beginning of the year, I kept feeling these rumblings deep in my soul, like little whispers of change. I ignored them for a number of months and kept continuing down my path of working from home and the office, constantly being on my computer or taking a phone call. I kept having a short fuse with my children (which honestly is still something I struggle with.) I was pouring myself out whole heartedly into a place where I was challenged and grew. The three and a half years I had spent there have been wonderful and I don't take them for granted. 

But deep down inside I knew change was coming. I started to prayerfully consider some other options. I was honestly sick and tired of being pulled away from my family so much when I was home or staring at a computer screen while my kids were scattering toys around me. Change was needed. 

I made strides to bring about change and ended up going back to work where I was before, a pediactric dental office. Working in a church is great and I know I was pretty dang good at what I did but after a while it wears on you. When you work for a church, you are in ministry for what feels like 24/7. All of the time. Never getting a break and time to breathe. I would look at my children sitting at the dinner table and it would hit me like a ton of bricks...

They are only little like this once. 

That's 940 Saturdays with them before they are 18 and are ready to leave the house. 

I have no desire for my children to always see me glued to my phone or my computer. Still there but never present. 

I now only work 3 days a week. Going to the office is like a little mom vacation and I LOVE what I'm doing. It feels good to be back in the business world, in the marketplace. Granted, we aren't nearly as financially stable as before but the trade off has been totally worth it. 

I get 4 days in a row now where I don't have to check my email or answer numerous phone calls. 4 days of freedom. I also have the opportunity now to be way more involved in the worship side of things at church and it is so refreshing to not have a million things and responsibilities on my plate now when I am there. 

The girl in this photograph seems almost like a distant memory to me now. 

I am so thankful for that. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Eight

As of today, Sullivan James Hollen has been with us for a total of 261 days since his July arrival. Those days have passed so swiftly already and in a little more than one hundred days, he will be a year old. My baby boy is turning into a little boy right before my eyes, a little more everyday. As a mom, I am constantly stressing how quickly time moves in our lives and how I wish it would just slow down a bit. But then there are other days where I can't wait for him to hit a specific milestone and I wonder what he will be like when he is a bit older or is a teenager. Having two teenagers in our home...oof. I don't want to think about that quite yet. 

Next week on the 3rd of April, Sullivan will be 9 months old. I have slowly been dropping nursing and pumping sessions with him. Granted, he is still getting a bottle in place of my nursing, but I needed to prepare for my new job that starts next week. I really want to get to the point of only having to pump once, probably at lunch during the day, instead of two times while I'm there. I love the early morning and bedtime nursing sessions and want to hold onto to those until we at least make it to a year. I feel like these times are so important in our bonding and I try to cherish them. They will disappear someday and I will miss them. Sullivan is probably our last baby and I may never nurse another little babe ever again. Yes, pumping is a drag and I pretty much hate it, but it's a necessary evil right now. Luckily, I will only be in the office three days a week and will only need to pump those three days. 

I'm curious to see if my milk supply starts to drop significantly as I start dropping sessions. Hopefully my body responds in a way where it produces enough for the feedings I want to keep and doesn't drop completely. We will see. I am looking forward to not always building my outfit choices around the ability to nurse easier. I also am looking forward to not washing pump parts day in and day out. I plan on getting some nice new bras that don't involve latches and nursing options. That will be a welcomed day. But, for now, we press onward. My goal is one year. We can totally do this. 

Want to know something amazing? You know what I didn't do all day yesterday or today? 

I didn't work. I didn't obsessively check my email. I didn't worry about a church schedule or paying a bill or turning in expenses..or this thing...or that thing... Hallelujah. I was having a hard time making this transition in the beginning because I am slowly realizing how so much of my existence was wrapped up in my job. But, I am moving beyond that. I am excited for the next chapter in our lives. I am excited to go to Easter Sunday and not WORK. I get to go to church with my family and then go to brunch afterwards. This decision is a good one. I am finally confident in that. 

Week Thirty Eight. 

Here's Marin at week thirty eight. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Seven

This week has felt long and tiring but we made it to Saturday and for that I am thankful. The days are so full lately with my job switch. I feel like I'm juggling a million things at once in an effort to leave well. I don't know who is taking my job over so the added unknowns of that have been weighing on me. I would love to be able to train whoever this person is so I can sleep soundly at night and not fret about whether or not teams have been scheduled and confirmed. I know, I know. I am the one that decided to move to a different job. I am the one that wanted to make this big switch. I am thankful for all of the change lately but will be very excited to be on the other side of it and working at the new job. I'm ready to dive in. 

With the craziness of this week, Sully and I have been a little under the weather. I've been fighting a sore throat all week and it's now moved into my sinuses. Hopefully today is the last day of it because I am leading worship tomorrow at church and I need to be able to sing without sounding like my head is full of snot, which is currently is. So lovely. 

Sully has been teething like crazy. His top two teeth are finally breaking through the gums. Teething plus a stuffy nose for him has made a few of our nights and early mornings pretty crappy. He wakes up wanting to nurse but then doesn't want to nurse because I think laying down on his side like that makes his sinuses and mouth hurt. Poor little dude. At least the teeth are breaking through. It looks like all of his top teeth are just right below the surface of his gums, just waiting to burst forth. Teething is so rough at times but I know it's something that we just have to get through. 

Marin had her 4 year well check on Monday and is doing well. She weighs just shy of 32 lbs and is 3 feet 3.5 inches tall. She is in the petite category and percentile, which doesn't surprise me. She did so well at her appointment. The vision test went well, the hearing test went well. We did get a few shots before she starts kindergarten, which is never fun. Luckily, she won't need any more until she's in middle school. But, she was such a trooper. She has a skin condition as well that we've been monitoring and putting steroid cream on. Luckily, we can now quit using the cream unless it flairs up again. I fully believe that Jesus will heal her of it though. The doctors stated that she could have it for the rest of her life, but Jesus heals, of that I am certain. We stopped and got hot chocolate and sour gummy worms at Daddy's grocery store where he works afterwards. I'm glad that appointment is over. Now she will just have a dentist appointment in April but it will be where I will be working so hopefully that will go better than it has in the past. 

Sullivan's 9 month appointment will be in a few weeks and I'm curious to see how he is growing. He's not even 9 months yet but wears mostly 18 month clothing. He is a tank and we love him for that. We are still hauling him around in his infant car seat. I'm trying to make it last as long as possible but soon, very soon, we will have to switch to a different car seat. 

I'm ready to dive into this next week, finish my time at the church, and embark on something new. I'm ready to have everyone in our home healthy and happy. I just keep realizing the importance of taking care of myself so that I can care well for my family. One day at a time. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Seven. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Thirty Six

This past week has been crazy, even though our home is pretty much back to normal after the kitchen cabinet remodel. I am very thankful to have dinner at our kitchen table in our actual kitchen. Not having a kitchen with two small children was quite the adventure. I'll be posting about the cabinets in the next few days or so. I still need to take some "after" photos. I love them. They are so great and clean and I don't have to ever paint them ever again. Hallelujah. 

Many things have been changing this week and I'm just trying to grasp all of it. Granted, most of the change has been at my hand, but nonetheless, our lives have been all over the place lately. Some of you know this, some of you do not but I guess now is a better time as any to tell you all out in the grand internet....

I gave my two weeks notice at the church I work for, at least in the administrative role that I have been in the past few years. For the past few years, I have lived and breathed all things admin. It has been a wild ride but I really started to feel the need for more consistency in our schedule and I really, really, really want to be able to raise our own children. Now I know that sounds like I quit my job and am not replacing it with another, but that is not how this story ends. Long story short...I'm going back to the pediatric dental office I was at for nearly 6 years of my life. Many people probably think I'm crazy but I need a job I can go to, work hard at all day, then walk out the doors and leave it there. With working in a church and in ministry, it's 24/7 in one capacity or another. I think if we didn't have children, this would all look so different but for now, I'm going back to the dental world, part time. I also am still going to be even more involved in worship at church and I'm looking forward to diving deeper into that part of me once more. That part has been dormant for far too long. I've been involved but I have always had a million other administrative responsiblities taking up space in my head. It will be nice to not have to worry about all of that and just focus again in the place my heart really longs for. 

Anyways...enough about me. Sullivan is thirty six weeks old. His top two teeth are going to break through any day now and he's had quite a bit of teething pain this week. His normal demeanor is super chill to begin with so I know when he's hurting. Poor dude. Teething is pretty much the worst. 

He's been eating like a champ. The dude loves eat. His current favorites are meatballs, tortellini, peas, carrots, avocados, hummus, and bananas. He eats better than Marin most days. The girl knows what she likes and pretty much refuses to steer away from that. I know that's mostly our fault as parents...too many cheeseburgers...not enough broccoli. 

I have been trying to not nurse or pump quite as much and keep end up being in way too much pain. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I was trying to get down to one pumping session during the day at work, especially with the new job coming up and just feed him in the morning and at night. But, we aren't quite there yet. I need to slowly back off of all the feedings and supplement instead of going almost cold turkey. My body gets all confused and in pain when I drastically start changing feeding times and frequencies. Breastfeeding has been great this time around and I am definitely not ready to give it up completely. 

Marin has been on Spring Break this week and it's been nice with all of my work craziness to not have her in school for a few days. She's had one slumber party already with the grandparents and she will be with the other set of grandparents tomorrow evening with her cousin. Marin loves sleepovers but I feel like they wipe her out so much. When she finally does sleep, she sleeps hard. 

Here's Marin at Week Thirty Six.  The crazy thing is that when I posted her week thirty six, I had just changed jobs to the job that I just gave my notice at this week. Life is crazy sometimes. 

Week Thirty Six. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Six

I almost missed posting this on a Monday as planned, but we have hit six weeks with this little man. He slept through the night again last night and I always feel like I've hit the sleep lottery. An uninterrupted seven hours of sleep is the best gift anyone can give me at this season of my life. 

On Sunday, we finally made it back to church. Since I work for a church, I've been avoiding it the last few weeks just because I knew that I needed to just spend time with my family and not worry about work. Honestly, I've had a lot of anxiety lately about returning to work. I spent a lot of time stupidly wondering if I would be needed upon my return. Going to church on Sunday was a breath of fresh air and I'm thankful that my anxiety has decreased majorly. As of Sunday, I am back to work part time, mostly from home for a few more weeks. It feels good to work my brain again and not just be a milk factory for a cute little dude. It felt good to have adult conversations and make my little lists. 

I turned in the paperwork for Marin to go preschool this evening. We are barreling towards the beginning of the school year at warp speed. I think it will be very good to have her around more kids twice a week. Our involvement as parents is pretty intense because it's a preschool co-op and I'm trying not to become overwhelmed by that. Lots of committees and teach days but Marin will be with a bunch of her friends and the preschool is practically across the street from us. 

I'm looking forward to fall. Sullivan is seriously such an easy baby so far. He eats well, sleeps decently well.  I've been trying to capture a picture of his cute little smile but have yet to get a good photo. He is growing so much every day. As of today, he is 44 days old. Marin is adapting to life with a sibling. I've been using Clicklist through King Soopers and not having to go into a grocery store with two kids has been wonderful. I'm heading back to work and my favorite season of all will soon be upon us. 

Lots of change around here, but I feel like I'm slowly gaining clarity for the season that is upon us. 

Week Six. 

Enough is Enough

I feel the need today to start with a clean slate. It seems I have found myself in a bit of a funk and I don’t know how long I can handle living through it. Some things must change. They have to. I don’t really have a choice or I guess I shouldn’t really have a choice. Change is good. Change is needed and I’m finding myself feeling stale. Lost. Stuck. 

Since I became a mom, I feel like I don’t fully know who I am anymore. That rests upon the prerequisite though that I once did, I guess? I feel like my identity has been tossed up in the air and I am just now trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together again into some form of myself that makes sense. My former self is no more. My present self has no idea what is going on other than the fact that I am Marin’s mother and that needs to be enough. My future self is ignoring everything because of feeling so lost. 

I am the type of person that is constantly going, going, going. Doing, doing, doing. If my plate isn’t full, at times, I feel as if my worth isn’t enough. I know this is a total lie. I know that none of that is really true, but still, it gets the best of me and I sometimes have a hard time admitting that. I’m admitting that now. I’m not doing very well with handling all of this stuff. 

My house seems to get messier by the day. That closet really needs to be cleaned out before our garage sale next week. I can only hold so many essential oil classes every month and I struggle with whether or not that is enough. The bills need to be paid. I need to work. My camera collects dust far too often and that photography class still isn’t finished. I’m not posting enough blogs; too many of them are too personal. I need to lose more of the baby weight so I can feel like a real human again. I tend to eat crappier when I am overwhelmed, which doesn’t help anything. I don’t know what my hair is doing. I need to get up and do something athletic. I haven’t played a show with my band since August. I wonder if I even remember half of my songs. Marin needs my full attention, diapers need to be changed, feedings need to occur. 

My list could go on and on and on and on......But......

I am enough. 

(source)

Say it again. 

I am enough. 

I have to remember that it isn’t about what I do or what I create. It makes me go back to this quote....

There’s a lot on my mind today. I feel the need to really read this book. I want to go for a walk with my kid, to get out of the house and move my tired, lost muscles. I want to pick up my camera. I want to listen to music that moves me. I will still do a load of laundry today, but I won’t clean ALL of the house, maybe just a room or two. That is enough. That is enough for now. I will leave you with one last quote, from the book linked above.

“THERE WILL COME A DAY . . . There will come a day when she no longer wants to hold my hand. So I will hold it while I still can. There will come a day when she no longer tells me what’s on her mind. So I will listen while she still wants to talk to me. There will come a day when she no longer says, “Watch me, Mama!” So I will observe and encourage while I still can. There will come a day when she no longer invites me to eat school lunch with her. So I will join her while I still can. There will come a day when she no longer needs my help to bake cookies or hit the tennis ball in the sweet spot. So I will stand beside her gently guiding and instructing while I still can. There will come a day when she no longer wants my opinion about clothes, friendship, death, and heaven. So I will share my views while she still wants to hear them. There will come a day when she no longer allows me to hear her prayers and her dreams. So I will fold my hands and absorb every word while I still can. There will come a day when she no longer sleeps with her beloved stuffed animal. And that day may come sooner than I think. Because sometimes unexpected events happen, causing the days to rush by, the years to tumble ahead. Sometimes what I thought I would have time to do, like listen to her laugh, wipe her tears, breathe her scent, and hold her close, will no longer be available to me. What I thought I had all the time in the world to do, may no longer be an option. The little pink dog that my child must now learn to sleep without after eight precious years reminds me that tomorrow may not allow for all the things I planned to do. So instead of being too busy, too tired, or too distracted when she seeks my love and attention, I will be ready and waiting to make her a well-loved child while I still can.” 
― Rachel Macy Stafford, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!

Yet Another Reason Why I Play Music

It changes you. It helps you remember. It makes you feel alive.