Portrait Eight

This photo was taken in March as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month...

This photograph singlehandedly marks the end of an era for me. It portrays a bend and sway in my work-life balance. I took this photograph on my last day of working for Vintage City Church. Around the beginning of the year, I kept feeling these rumblings deep in my soul, like little whispers of change. I ignored them for a number of months and kept continuing down my path of working from home and the office, constantly being on my computer or taking a phone call. I kept having a short fuse with my children (which honestly is still something I struggle with.) I was pouring myself out whole heartedly into a place where I was challenged and grew. The three and a half years I had spent there have been wonderful and I don't take them for granted. 

But deep down inside I knew change was coming. I started to prayerfully consider some other options. I was honestly sick and tired of being pulled away from my family so much when I was home or staring at a computer screen while my kids were scattering toys around me. Change was needed. 

I made strides to bring about change and ended up going back to work where I was before, a pediactric dental office. Working in a church is great and I know I was pretty dang good at what I did but after a while it wears on you. When you work for a church, you are in ministry for what feels like 24/7. All of the time. Never getting a break and time to breathe. I would look at my children sitting at the dinner table and it would hit me like a ton of bricks...

They are only little like this once. 

That's 940 Saturdays with them before they are 18 and are ready to leave the house. 

I have no desire for my children to always see me glued to my phone or my computer. Still there but never present. 

I now only work 3 days a week. Going to the office is like a little mom vacation and I LOVE what I'm doing. It feels good to be back in the business world, in the marketplace. Granted, we aren't nearly as financially stable as before but the trade off has been totally worth it. 

I get 4 days in a row now where I don't have to check my email or answer numerous phone calls. 4 days of freedom. I also have the opportunity now to be way more involved in the worship side of things at church and it is so refreshing to not have a million things and responsibilities on my plate now when I am there. 

The girl in this photograph seems almost like a distant memory to me now. 

I am so thankful for that. 

Christmas Eve & Christmas 2015

I can't quite believe that Christmas has already come and gone again. I look so forward to it all year and then I blink. Gone. This year was a good one, one for the books. Having a child around at Christmas time makes it even better. This time last year, Marin wasn't walking yet and wasn't totally aware of Christmas and presents. This year, she was all in. That kid made out like a bandit. We won't need to buy her another toy for a long time. 

Christmas Eve started at the Hollen's for brunch and presents. 

Since I work for a church, my afternoon and evening was spent working on Christmas Eve. We held a service at our building. There were a million cookies, hot cocoa, and glow sticks to end the night as we sang "Silent Night." It was a wonderful evening but I was very glad to go home and put my feet up. Ryan and I opened a few gifts from each other before bedtime. 

Marin has been taking Thomas everywhere. 

We woke up fairly early the next day to finish opening our gifts and for Marin to open up her gifts from us and of course, Santa Claus. I was so excited to give her the toy kitchen and all of the fun food stuff that comes with it. Ryan also killed it with my gifts. We haven't been able to afford gifts for each other the past few years so it was really fun being able to buy for each other this year. He is a great gift giver. 

We headed down to my parent's new home to open up presents with my side of the family. It was really fun being in their new home. Marin is in toy heaven. Christmas evening was spent at my Uncle's and Aunt's home eating amazing food and having a White Elephant gift exchange to end the day. 

Christmas of 2015 was a good one. I love that almost all of our families are close and that we can celebrate with everyone. Christmas time though the eyes of a child is like nothing else I've known. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

Our Well Is Full | Our Roots Are Deep

We dedicated Marin last night, surrounded by many people, family and friends. The evening began with chili and soup, the breaking of bread and cornbread muffins, wine and beer. The sound of little children and adults filled the home and the chaos seemed fitting. We talked about what Marin's name means, "Little Queen of the Sea." Words were spoken over her life of "strength" and "authority." We ate good food, drank good wine, and managed to have Marin asleep in bed only a hour and half later than usual. 

Sometimes it hits me that our little baby will be an adult someday with her own hopes and dreams. She will fall in love. She may get her heartbroken once or twice. She will figure out her path one trial and triumph at a time. I already see so much of myself in her, which is thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. The words spoken over her last night are very similar to the ones that have been spoken over me, time and time again. As long as she grows up knowing and loving Jesus and the church, her strength and spunk will be directed in the right places. 

I made some poor decisions in my college days and I know many people tend to rebel at some point in their life. I just want to protect and guide her forever but also allow her to make her own decisions and learn through the seasons of life. I guess that's what parenting is supposed to look like in some ways, right?

It's so weird to think of her out in the world. Driving a car, heading off to college, dating boys, and working at a job. It seems so far off but I know it's really not. By that point, I will be around 46 years old. That's a strange thing to think about. What will be we be doing with our lives? Where will we be living? How many kids will we have? What dreams will have died and which will have survived all of those years of living? 

Such a strange thing to wrap my mind around. You only get just one life. It seems so small and fast in the grand scheme of things. The insatiable need to make it worthwhile and full of life is needed. I want to live a full, full life. I don't want to look back and see that I worked too much, lived too little, and didn't help my kids discover who they are and what they are meant for. 

Even as I journey through this year of "LESS," I still want to make sure that my well is full and my roots are deep. I only get to live this year once. I better make it worthwhile. I don't want to miss a single thing. 

The End of an Era & the Beginning of Another

I think part of me never truly believed I would be writing these words. Part of me was so caught up in all the things that working in healthcare presents and supporting my family was found at the top of my list.

 

No more. There is a great deal of freedom now in my life. Last Wednesday, I walked through the hallways of a dental clinic as an employee for the last time. I turned in my keys, my sweaters, and my laptop. I said my goodbyes and gave my hugs. It felt strange, almost like a twilight version of my job, as if it wasn't really happening.

I worked at a dental office for nearly 6 years. That's a lot of years. That's a lot of time. That's a lot of paychecks, meetings, and to do lists. I learned so many things about the business world and working with people and I am so glad that I went in for that job interview all those years ago.

Had someone sat me down ten years ago and told me that I would be working in human resources at a pediatric dental clinic, I probably would have laughed at them and walked away. Ten years ago, I figured I would be playing a ton of music, traveling, taking a lot of photos, and living out a creative life as much as I possibly could. But then, life happened. Life happens. Good life happens. Becoming an adult had to happen and bills needed to be paid.

 

If I have worked with you over the last few years, thank you. You have taught me so many things about myself and my capacity in the business world. You have been a home away from home in many ways. You have helped me strive and helped me live. You have challenged me. I would be lying if I said it was always good. There were times that were tough, times when I wanted to walk away and be done with all of it, but I endured. Transitions come and go and so do people and now I'm on the the other side of it.

 

Just, thank you. You all are wonderful.

This past season has been one of lots of waiting and of wondering where it would all end up. I knew my time was coming to an end but I didn't know the hows or whys. This past season has not necessarily been easy but I believe that our little family have never been in such a good place like we are now. I am embarking upon a new job as the Events Coordinator at Vintage City Church. I am able to use my college degree yet again and use all of the things that I learned at the dental office. I am able to spend more time with my family and make my own schedule for the most part. I couldn't ask for a better opportunity. I was made for a job like this.

So, Toothzone, I bid you farewell. I will surely not forget that last 6 years of my life but I am very excited for the next years of our lives.

Farewell.