This is 32 | A New List

My final portrait from my series, taken on the eve of my 32nd birthday.

11, 699 days in so far in this thing called life, as of today that is. I had every intention of actually getting these words out into the open over a week ago when I rang in a new year of life but...life happened per usual. Work happened, raising kids happened, trying to catch up on sleep kind of happened but who are we kidding, really? 

I have a feeling that year thirty two is going to be a good one for me, one like I've never quite experienced before. Why? I'm not sure how to put my finger on it but this past season has been one of swift and immense change in just about every area of my life. I feel like this new year is going to be much the same and I'm kind of just along for the ride so far.

 Looking back upon my life over the last decade, I never really thought I would be where I am now. I'm back working at the office that I left 4 years ago and it still is strange to me to sit and work in that office once more. Every morning that I go into work, it still feels strange to put on my name tag and walk through those halls.  We have two children, which is still seemingly mind boggling to me in many ways. Becoming a mom has changed me more than anything else in my life. 

As of last week, we have officially transitioned back to the church we called home when we were newleyweds and into the years of our lives pre-babies. I have been trying to be intentional and cry out for my family in this season more than I ever have before. No longer working at church opened up my ears and my heart more to where God was leading us in this new season. He has lead us to return to where we once were. As with all decisions of this caliber, it has not been easy especially because many of th people I was in ministry with, I have been in ministry with for over half of my life. That’s a long time. But, sitting in our new (old) church home on Sunday, I was flooded with so much peace and I know we are where we need to be. Sometimes transition is hard and I have felt that in so many areas of our lives. But lately, I have felt peace the surpasses all of my understanding in this life and I know I just need to keep listening. 

Every year for the past few years, I have created a list of things that I want to accomplish before my next birthday rolls around, as it always does. Now that I am on my way into my mid-thirties, at least in a few years, I feel like it is expected of me to get my crap together more. My twenties feel very, very, very far away now and life looks completely different than I thought it would. Good different, but different nonetheless. 

Here is my list from last year. I have gone in and crossed out the ones that I actually accomplished. There are some things on this list that I have placed on the list every year and every year I don’t accomplish them, but here we are. I know many of you could really care less if I cross off items on my list, but I love things like this and I will probably continue to make these lists for a long time. 

Below is my list for this new year of life....I am now 32, which still seems odd to me in the grand scheme of things. But, I’m ready to dive in to this new year, full of hope even though so many things still feel like they are unknown. 

33 books
Read through the Bible
Go camping
Become debt free
Get another tattoo
Sell our house (This is probably the biggest undertaking on this list...) 
10 year anniversary trip
Family Trip
Holiday Bucket List 
Try Buki Yoga & Lekfit
Secret Thing #1 (Wouldn’t you like to know?) 
Fly in a plane
Farmers Market
Use the library more
No Spend Month
Drive in Movie
Find another side hustle
Fall Bucket List
Play a show or play FOCOMX 
Have pie in Estes
Intuitive Eating
Go to a concert
See the ocean
52 Blog Posts for the year
Stay at the Elizabeth Hotel
Get a massage
Finish a song
30 Day Challenge
Revamp the weekly cleaning schedule
Go meat free for a while
New pick up and tune up for my Martin acoustic
Family Dinner 2x per week and focus on meal planning
Make bread from scratch

This is 32. 

Portrait Ten & Eleven

I am always doing some sort of catch up but at least I'm getting these accomplished at some point. They were taken weeks or months ago. These are part of my 32 Things Before 32 List where I set a goal of taking one self-portrait per month. I haven't been very good at it and really don't enjoy taking my own photo but I made this as part of my list because of that. I need to be stretched. I need to be able to capture where I am at in in a certain season of my life. 

The first image feels very veiled to me. In this moment in time I am debating making even more changes in our lives, even more changes than I have already brought about in this past year. Something has been stirring inside of me greatly since I left my job at the church. Something has not stayed quiet and I feel like we have found a new home and community. I realize this is all very vague but I took this photo sitting on our steps in our house after we had just been at church and realizing mid service that we might not be there much longer, at least in the capacity that we have been. That is a big deal and a very big change. It has been hanging on me for months and I feel like we are finally getting to the point of being on the other side. Soon, very soon. 

This second photo was taken in an average hotel room in Montrose, CO on the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was tired, missing our kids, and ready to return back to our lives after traveling Thursday through Saturday, two weeks in a row. But, the fact that Ryan and I were both able to travel to Montrose for the funeral and see our family was a great gift, one I don't take lightly. I was thinking a lot about family and life, as one does when celebrating the life of another. Life really is short and I have no desire to waste my moments that I have with our children, friends, and family. Those things are what really matters. My job won't matter. Our house and cars won't matter. The number in our bank account won't matter or the number on the scale won't really matter. People matter. I need to be reminded of that a lot lately and I am grateful for the reminder. 

Baby Sullivan | Week Fifty One

We have one more week of posts before Sullivan is a one year old! Technically, in two days, he will be one and I still can't believe it. I say that every time, in every post. But, it's true! Where did this year go? Please tell me. My baby is becoming a little boy ever so quickly. He will be a little toddler before we know it. 

Since we got back from Montrose, life has been pretty much nonstop. I played keyboards at church the day after we got back and ran without practice. Monday was spent trying to get our house in some sort of order: scrubbing the tub and toilet, doing loads and loads of laundry, and mopping the floors. I worked my normal three days this week and try to cram in as much as I can in those three days. I led worship for prayer, solo on an acoustic, on Wednesday. It's been a while since I've done that and it wiped me out. Thursday night I had worship practice for Sunday. Friday night was pretty much the only evening Ryan and I were able to have some time to just be with each other. 

I don't like those days when I go to the office, leaving at 7am after kissing my sweet family good bye while they eat their waffles and bananas at the breakfast table. I then work my hardest all day at the office, consumed with quickbooks and billing. Then there are the evenings where I get to run home real quick, grab a bite to eat, kiss those babies again, and then run off of to church for one thing or another. The nights that I don't get to help with baths and tuck in the little ones are not my favorite. Somedays I only see our children for a half hour. I am not okay with that and would like to not have many of those days. 

Sullivan is still not crawling. He will be one on Tuesday. In my mom brain I'm trying to not freak out entirely about that and know that he will in due time. But, it's so hard to wonder about the whens and what ifs. That is not a good rabbit trail for my brain to go down. That's really the only milestone that he isn't fully hitting yet and I'm ready for it. I was ready for it months ago. 

This weekend was a rough one. Marin started to feel under the weather on Friday. Running nose, cough, feeling icky. Then around 1:00am Saturday morning, Sullivan woke crying and was burning up. We haven't had to deal with a lot of fevers with our babies and this one was not fun. Just today, I feel like it finally broke and he is slowly becoming himself more. Of course, all of this happens when our pediatrician is not open. Luckily, we have a support system around us to come help me out when I am exhausted and can't get Sully to cool down. We have taken a lot of sponge baths and he has hung out in his diaper only for the past two days. It's always horrible to watch your child hurt and you can only do so many things. His body was obviously fighting off something and the fever is part of that. I even ended up staying home from church this morning and I was supposed to help lead worship. My kids come first over all of that and I'm glad we have all gotten to rest today. I feel a sore throat creeping in in my throat and I need it to go away like yesterday. 

This coming week should be a good one as long as everyone is healthy. I'm only working Monday and Tuesday. After that, I have six full days off because we are closing the office for the July 4th holiday. Hallelujah. I am looking very forward to some time off. No work. No band practices. Wednesday is the 4th and is always my favorite holiday aside from Christmas. Last year I spent it in the hospital because I had just had Sullivan. I'm looking forward to hanging out with family and watching fireworks. A few days after that, we will be celebrating Sullivan's birthday and I'm excited to be with family once more. It should be a full and refreshing week as long as we all get healthy. 

Here's Marin at Week Fifty One! 

Baby Sullivan | Week Forty Three

We have been back from vacation for more than a week now and most of our days are spent fairly similar from the one before and the one before that. I wake each morning in the routine of nursing Sullivan, walking downstairs to the coffee pot, and sitting in my chair in the living room, waiting and searching through the quite moments before the rest of the house awakens. 

Marin usually stirs anywhere between 6am and 630am. I try to keep her in her room as long as possible, constantly urging her to play with her ponies or turn on her little light and read a few more books before I have to leave my wonderful chair and start the day. I usually don't hold out for long. After she wakes, she helps me wake up Daddy and go get Sullivan out of his crib. Most of the time after I nurse him early in the morning, he falls back asleep, if only for a little while. 

Then we all have breakfast at the table in the kitchen. This is usually one of the only meals during our chaotic weeks where we are all sitting down at the table and eating at the same time, even if it's only for fifteen minutes  Dinner usually consists of me feeding the kiddos before Ryan gets home from work and then Ryan and I eat dinner after the kids are in bed. Someday, in a perfect world, I long to have family dinners on a weekly basis. I want to gather together and hear how everyones day was and actually all eat the same exact thing. Right now I feel like a short order chef that makes two to three different meal options on any given night. I also want more times spent with friends over meals. We had some friends over for pizza last weekend and it was so refreshing. The kiddos also enjoyed playing together. 

Depending on the day and if I am working, I either hop up stairs to finish getting ready or hop in the shower. Then we get the kiddos dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed. The next thing that occurs on the non-working days is that I do a quick clean of the house and then we begin our day. Cleaning is followed by Sullivan's morning nap....then lunch....then quiet time/naptime...then getting ready for dinner....eating dinner...tubby time....bedtime routine...

Lather...Rinse...And Repeat. 

Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoy the predictability of our days for the most part. In between meal times and nap times, we are working on trying to help Sullivan crawl. We spend a lot of time on the floor with toys scattered all over the place. Marin loves to color, do puzzles, watch some TV. Both kids would be outside all day if it was an option. I know I need to get them out much more than I do and I want to make that my goal on the days when I am home with them. Marin loves to ride her scooter and is learning how to pedal her bike a lot better now that she can confidently reach and push the pedals. Sullivan is perfectly content on a blanket out in the lawn surrounded by things he can throw around and chew on. They both enjoy stroller rides in the double stroller. 

Another consistent thing I usually enjoy for the most part is bath time. We only bathe the kiddos every few days unless they've really made a mess of themselves. Sometimes that happens and I am all for the need to wash dirty kiddos. That just means that they were living life to the fullest. Last week we had a first time parenting moment...Sullivan pooped in the tub. Luckily he was still in his little bath tub inside of the bathtub where Marin was. Had he pooped in her water...that would have been an entirely other situation. But, there's a first time for everything! I don't believe Marin ever did that. It was comical to say the least. 

Here's Marin at Week Forty Three. 

Hollen Adventures | The Denver Zoo

One of the other things we did over Ryan's vacation week was go to the Denver Zoo with Grammy and Ga Ga. Almost 3 years ago to the day, we made this trip with Marin and my nephew Gunnar. Looking back at those photos, Marin was so little! She was just beginning to walk around and was still in her infant car seat. It's amazing to me how much she has grown into such a little girl now, no longer a baby. (Excuse me while I shed a silent tear....) 

I didn't listen to my mother very well with this trip because she told me it was going to be pretty busy and I didn't think it would be...We went on the day when teachers all over Colorado were doing a walkout and protest. I fully support the cause but oh boy, the zoo was crazy busy! Since the schools were closed that day, every other family seemed to have the same idea we had. Even though it was super crazy and very hard to find a parking spot, we still enjoyed the time so much. 

Most of our day was spent walking around the zoo looking for the animals. Going during the day is always slightly disappointing though because a lot of the animals are not out. But, I love just walking around in the sunshine with my family. My ultimate goal was to not get anyone sunburnt though so I was on sunscreen patrol pretty much all day. 

We had packed our lunches and ate out on the lawn under the trees. By the end of the day, both kids has a bunch of stains on their clothes from oranges and ice cream. I feel that is a sign that fun was had and the day was well worth it. We had sandwiches, oranges, chips, nutter butters. 

After lunch we kept walking all throughout the zoo. We wanted to see the elephant show they put on but it was too packed. So instead we decided to get some ice cold beer for the adults and some ice cream for the kiddos. It was a great way to cool down and sit for just a bit. Marin said that her favorite part was the giraffes. I always like the penguins. Sullivan enjoyed most to  the day in the stroller and ended up falling asleep at the tail end of the day. 

Before the drive home, we stopped at Voodoo Donuts on Colfax. It's tradition. It took a long time for us to get our Voodoo Dozen because a lot of teachers had the same idea. But, they are always well worth the wait. 

I enjoy taking little day trips like this. We would love to go to the aquarium and visit the museum again. I just wish our work schedules allowed us to do more things like this more often. Someday our schedules will change and we will have a day during the week that we can spend as a family.  I am praying for that. Someday. 

Hollen Family Getaway | Estes Park

Be prepared for lots of pictures.....

We’ve been back for over a week now but I’m still holding on to our time in Estes Park. I can’t believe how much I needed just a few days away to breathe, spend time with family, and relax. The past few months have felt like a whirlwind of events: job changes, growing kiddos, trying to take better care of myself. If there was ever a time that we needed a vacation, this was one of those times.

We took this trip last year around this time. Last year, I was pretty pregnant and Marin spent her first night in a hotel with us. This time, things looked pretty different. Now we have Sullivan with us, no longer in my belly but on the outside living life to the very fullest. Grandmadoo and Grandpadoo also went with us this time.

We ended up staying somewhere different this year because last year’s location was already booked. But, I loved the place we stayed. It’s called the Appenzell Inn. We booked the suite with 2 bedrooms, a living space, and small kitchen. It fit all of us perfectly. The main reason we booked there was because of the indoor swimming pool. Last year, all that Marin could talk about was the swimming pool so I knew I needed to find a good alternative for her this year. The Inn met our expectations and so much more. We will definitely be staying there again sometime in the future.

Before we drove up to Estes, we went to church at a different church than usual. Now that I am no longer on staff at church, I felt that we could switch things up a bit and visit our old stomping grounds. We spent a few years at Timberline Old Town and I even met Ryan within those walls. It was a nice change of pace and it was nice to see people we haven’t seen in far too long.

After church we stopped for coffee and then headed up into the mountians. We truly couldn’t have asked for better weather while we were up there. It was in the high 50’s most of the time we were there and only started to snow on the drive home. We made it to Estes and had lunch before checking in. We ate at “You Need Pie,” which is a little diner style place that serves diner favorites and amazing pie. We discovered it last year when we went and knew we needed to go back. We ate our pie out in the sunshine surrounded by mountains. 

We drove into Rocky Mountain National Park to a spot that the Hollen’s frequent. Marin was so daring and wanted to climb every single rock. She was fearless on this trip and I am so proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone. Sully loves to be outside any chance he can get. That night we went back to the hotel and Marin, Ryan, and Grandpadoo went and took a little swim in the pool. After that, we brought in New York style pizza that consisted of pizza slices the size of our heads. Thin crust, just enough cheese and pepperoni, goodness. Even Sullivan enjoyed little pizza bites.

Once the kids were in bed we ended up staying up much later than I usual do and talked and talked. It was nice to just have a conversation with adults, drink some wine, and  then wind down reading a book, all by the fire place. Both bedrooms had big king size beds with tons of amazing pillows. I slept so well there. Sullivan was in his pack n' play in our room and Marin slept in Grandmadoo and Grandpadoo's room. 

The next morning we woke up and headed downstairs for breakfast in the hotel. The rest of the morning was spent walking around town with the double stroller. The weather truly couldn't have been more perfect. Gorgeous sunshine, about 60 degrees. We walked through the little shops, played on the playground, climbed some more rocks, bought some delicious candy, and ended up on Poppy's for lunch. After lunch, we headed back to the inn, had some quite time and naps, and just took it easy. 

After nap time, we all got in our swimsuits and headed down to the pool. This was Sullivan's first time in a pool and he was having so much fun. I bought him a little floaty for the pool and he just kicked his chubby little legs to his heart's content. I bought Marin a little life vest as well and she would stay in the water forever if we let her. After the pool, we all hopped in the outdoor hot tub and relaxed. 

That evening, the grandparents offered to watch the kiddos so Ryan and I could have a little date night. It was so welcomed and so wonderful. We began the evening with eating bbq-- pulled pork, ribs, hush puppies, baked beans, corn bread, a beer. Hello, full. After that we went and saw a movie at the little theatre in Estes Park. We saw "A Quiet Place" and I was on the edge of my seat the entire film. I highly recommend it. 

The next morning, we went to breakfast back at the pie place. After our meal was finished, we picked out some more pie for the road. By this point, it was starting to snow. We packed our bags, checked out, and took the nice drive back down to home and back to reality. 

My heart is still full from this trip. We needed this trip so much for our little family and I am very thankful that we live close enough to a place like Estes Park. It was exactly what we needed and I look forward to another trip much like this one in the future.