Sometimes it really sucks being a mom. There…. I said it. Sometimes I want to yell a lot and slam cabinet doors. Sometimes I want to go into a room and close the door for a while. Sometimes I want to not go down the road of growing our family beyond three.
Sometimes I want to quit and pout. It’s not my kid. It’s me and I know it. It’s my short fuse sometimes when I am tired and worn out. It’s my heart that breaks whenever I try to leave her anywhere and she goes into pure hysterics. Separation anxiety is super crappy. It makes me feel like I’m not doing something right.
Let’s not forget about when dinner time becomes a battle ground. Thrown food, refusing to eat, crying for things she can’t have. I become the bad guy and I don’t do well with that.
Or the times when you try something new, like Storytime at the library, and meltdown ensues even when the sweetest older lady is telling a story with her sidekick squirrel puppet. It could have been awesome.
Sometimes I don’t understand. Sometimes I want to ask her questions she can’t quite answer yet. Sometimes I don't want to say anything at all.
I don’t want to raise a child that has had everything handed to her. Sometimes I fear that is how we are raising her. I want her to learn the lessons of life. I want her to experience everything and be able to choose life for herself. I don’t want to coddle. But then on the flip side, I want her to be my baby forever and come back to me always. Always.
The push and the pull of motherhood is difficult at times. It’s hard to let go when I need to and sometimes it hard to show up and be there fully when she needs me most. Being a parent is tough sometimes. It’s hard to discover things about ourselves that feel ugly. Parenthood is also the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need to make sure I don’t forget that.
We need to get her around more kids her age. I need to be able to walk away and let her cry even when it rips my guts out little by little as I walk further and further away. I want her to discover everything and learn through it all. I want the world for her and I need to make sure she has the opportunities to find it and embrace it all.
Separation anxiety will pass. She won’t always want to live only on grilled cheese sandwiches and goldfish crackers. She will come to the realization that the lady and her squirrel at Story-time are pretty darn awesome.
We are both growing. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes it not. Sometimes you just have to dust yourself off, get up, and try again.