This is 32 | A New List

My final portrait from my series, taken on the eve of my 32nd birthday.

11, 699 days in so far in this thing called life, as of today that is. I had every intention of actually getting these words out into the open over a week ago when I rang in a new year of life but...life happened per usual. Work happened, raising kids happened, trying to catch up on sleep kind of happened but who are we kidding, really? 

I have a feeling that year thirty two is going to be a good one for me, one like I've never quite experienced before. Why? I'm not sure how to put my finger on it but this past season has been one of swift and immense change in just about every area of my life. I feel like this new year is going to be much the same and I'm kind of just along for the ride so far.

 Looking back upon my life over the last decade, I never really thought I would be where I am now. I'm back working at the office that I left 4 years ago and it still is strange to me to sit and work in that office once more. Every morning that I go into work, it still feels strange to put on my name tag and walk through those halls.  We have two children, which is still seemingly mind boggling to me in many ways. Becoming a mom has changed me more than anything else in my life. 

As of last week, we have officially transitioned back to the church we called home when we were newleyweds and into the years of our lives pre-babies. I have been trying to be intentional and cry out for my family in this season more than I ever have before. No longer working at church opened up my ears and my heart more to where God was leading us in this new season. He has lead us to return to where we once were. As with all decisions of this caliber, it has not been easy especially because many of th people I was in ministry with, I have been in ministry with for over half of my life. That’s a long time. But, sitting in our new (old) church home on Sunday, I was flooded with so much peace and I know we are where we need to be. Sometimes transition is hard and I have felt that in so many areas of our lives. But lately, I have felt peace the surpasses all of my understanding in this life and I know I just need to keep listening. 

Every year for the past few years, I have created a list of things that I want to accomplish before my next birthday rolls around, as it always does. Now that I am on my way into my mid-thirties, at least in a few years, I feel like it is expected of me to get my crap together more. My twenties feel very, very, very far away now and life looks completely different than I thought it would. Good different, but different nonetheless. 

Here is my list from last year. I have gone in and crossed out the ones that I actually accomplished. There are some things on this list that I have placed on the list every year and every year I don’t accomplish them, but here we are. I know many of you could really care less if I cross off items on my list, but I love things like this and I will probably continue to make these lists for a long time. 

Below is my list for this new year of life....I am now 32, which still seems odd to me in the grand scheme of things. But, I’m ready to dive in to this new year, full of hope even though so many things still feel like they are unknown. 

33 books
Read through the Bible
Go camping
Become debt free
Get another tattoo
Sell our house (This is probably the biggest undertaking on this list...) 
10 year anniversary trip
Family Trip
Holiday Bucket List 
Try Buki Yoga & Lekfit
Secret Thing #1 (Wouldn’t you like to know?) 
Fly in a plane
Farmers Market
Use the library more
No Spend Month
Drive in Movie
Find another side hustle
Fall Bucket List
Play a show or play FOCOMX 
Have pie in Estes
Intuitive Eating
Go to a concert
See the ocean
52 Blog Posts for the year
Stay at the Elizabeth Hotel
Get a massage
Finish a song
30 Day Challenge
Revamp the weekly cleaning schedule
Go meat free for a while
New pick up and tune up for my Martin acoustic
Family Dinner 2x per week and focus on meal planning
Make bread from scratch

This is 32. 

Happy Anniversay | Nine Years

Nine years ago on this very day, I married Ryan Hollen. We have been together for a decade now and it makes my head spin a bit when I think about how fast the past few years have gone. Swiftly. I blink and a decade has come and gone. A decade!

 He was the person I wasn’t looking for when we met. Meeting another guy, a potential love interest, was very low on my list of priorities at the time. I was broken and broken hearted but there he was being introduced to me in a local coffee shop, the very coffee shop we would have our wedding reception a little more than a year later. I had only been back in Colorado a grand total of about four days. I had a camera in my hand and a bruised and broken spirit from the season I had just moved away from. We were surrounded by friends, music, and coffee. My happy place. A mutual friend introduced us and my life has never been the same. Somehow, in the depths of my soul, I knew that one day I would marry this bearded man, and I did. I’m so glad I did. 

Happy Anniversay, Babe! I look forward to many more years of winding down on the couch and having dinner after long days at work, once the kiddos have had tubby time and are tucked away in bed for the evening. I look forward to many more years of building a home with you, one project at a time. I look forward to many more years of going to see movies and getting to actually go have date nights. I look forward to many more years of little getaway trips, going to concerts, and just going out for breakfast every once in a while. I look forward to the day to day, the laundry folding and the emptying of the dishwasher. I look forward to playing more music, in whatever capacity that we can in the different seasons of our lives. 

I’m so glad I was at that coffee shop that day, all those years ago. I’m so glad I said “I do” in front of our friends and family nine years ago. Ryan, you are my person forever and always. I love you! Thank you for taking care of me and our kids so well. 

Portrait Seven

I wrote these words a few weeks ago. This photo was taken in February as part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month....

So many thing feel like they are just hanging in the balance of my life, holding their breath and waiting for the moment in which they can exhale and begin a new season, embark upon a new journey. As always, the waiting slowly drives me crazy. I'm generally not very patient, pretty much ever...just ask my husband. Changing jobs is a grand undertaking and I feel like I'm not doing very well with it the past few weeks. I do know that I just need to get on the other side of all of this and begin new, begin fresh and full of hope. Living in limbo is always a bad place for my spirit, mind and body to dwell. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been eating horribly, drinking way too much caffeine, sleeping not so great. I quit taking some of the supplements I was on from the natural practitioner because they were messing with my stomach a lot. I feel huge. I feel fat. I hate that "f" word. I feel tired and exhausted. My eyelid has been twitching for weeks as an ever present reminder that something is not right within me. It was even difficult for me to take this portrait because I pretty much can't stand seeing myself in the image on my screen. Self-esteem and health wise, I haven't been in the best place the past month or so. I was doing so good after a trip to the natural doctor helped me find what food intolerances I have. I did great for a while then we had no kitchen for a week, I stressed about giving my notice at work and moving forward into a new season full of so many unknowns. 

All of this needs to change, like yesterday. I want to walk boldly into this new season of life --confident, healthy, and determined. I want to like the person in the mirror, love her even. I never really have, at least not to the full extent that I long for. I don't want to be the one that hides behind in the shadows any more or hide as the one behind the camera instead of in front of it. I will take this one day at a time, one meal at a time. Each decision adding up into the next one of health and happiness, joy even. I deserve to live in joy, to wake in hope. I want to move forward into this season of unknowns with this new woman that is building deep inside of me. She's there-- this unknown woman that is just waiting to come out of the darkness and the hiding. I long to know her and I will.

**Since I wrote these words, I have gone back to the doctor and am back on track. I am moving in a good direction once more, slowly but surely. ** 

Portrait Four

As part of my 32 Things Before 32 List, I am attempting to take one self-portrait per month. This one is for the month of November. Yet again, we are well into the next month and I am just now getting this posted, but here we are.

Someday I won't question whether or not this is it and if it's enough. Looking back, I will realize it was always more than enough and long for the things I missed or overlooked because I was too busy trying to be super mom and super human, all while having a clean, well kept house with fantastic vacuum lines in the carpet and the absence of sticky messes on the floor. 

Someday I know I will miss having these hangry humans intensely dependent upon me with their unwavering devotion and need for a parent, for a life giver, for a nurturer. Our home will one day be too quiet and I will long for the dishwasher that needs to be emptied and the little clothes that need be folded and put away in tiny drawers. I will miss the bath time at night where the kids plead to stay in for far too long and their fingers turn to little raisins. I will miss reading the same book over and over again at bedtime, a book that Marin can recite by memory alone, with the same rise and fall of our adult voices reflected in hers, just as we aim to bring each character from the page to life.  

In this season of life, I am woman finding her way once more, finding more solid footing. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I am someone that at times tries to hold on to her past in fear of losing the creative aspects of my existence. I am someone that is working really hard to be present in the moment and not veer too far off course. I am trying really hard to find a life that is more than enough. 

Someday, dinner time will look different and I won't stand over a pot of boiling mac n' cheese, stirring it so it doesn't boil over. This is all for the picky preschooler that literally would eat the same thing every single night. I will miss making the chicken nuggets or coaxing her to eat just one more bite of vegetables all the while she absolutely refuses to eat carrots. 

All of this is it and it is more than enough. 

Portrait Four. 

It's The Weekend | Number One

It's no secret that I love to make lists of any kind and then check off the items on each list. Sometimes, I compile lists of things I've seen and read. Sometimes, I create lists of things I would love to do in the future or things I can do now to make our present even more awesome. 

Here are a few of those things for your weekend....

Let 2017 Be The Year Of Working & Resting Hard

Date Night & Cold Showers | 20 Habits That Change Lives

28 Books to Read in 2017 

Can we just live in a bus? 

Speaking of books...this is next on my list. And this. And this. 

The morning routines of other people fascinate me so much. 

A good reminder and a warm pasta salad. 


Have a great Saturday! 

One Little Word | 2017

Over the past few years, I've sought out One Little Word for the new year ahead of me. Sometimes the word comes to me almost immediately during the Christmas season, other times I have to really hunt for it in the midst of the chaos and beauty of life. It's a nice feeling to have a word that you can become grounded to or even toss aside entirely, but for it to still be there as you need it and learn through the seasons of a new year. I've learned a lot from my words in the past. 

Here is my word from 2015 and 2016. I love being able to choose a word, or even have a word choose me. It keeps me grounded but also moving forward. 

I had my word for this year probably about a month ago but I'm just now being able to share it with you all. Many of my mornings have been filled with this idea and I feel it's ready to share with the world. 

Leading up to this post, I feel like I have been wavering in many things in our lives. Being pregnant with our second child (see the adorable announcement video here) has sent me on an never ending loop of feeling super tired but knowing that I should be doing something worthwhile. I desire for my days to mean something, to be worth something. I desire to be able to look back upon this year and realize that we accomplished a lot, even with a little. 

My word for this new year is.....INTENTIONAL. 

As far as goal setting and New Year resolutions go, that word originally felt like a predictable choice, an easy choice. But, it kind of chose me. 

I read this quote early this morning on Pinterest and it soaked into me. Being INTENTIONAL to me is putting in the hard work. Creating the lists. Taking the chunks of time in your day that are usually wasted and doing something extraordinary with them. INTENTIONAL to me is finding the magic in the ordinary. Emptying the dishwasher. Changing the diaper. Reading the same book to the kiddo for the 100th time that day. Working on the work project that never seems to end. Crossing off the items on a to do list and continuing to move on. 

I like the idea of working hard in silence. I believe that's what INTENTION looks like, feels like, moves like. Many times in life, I want people to be aware of my hard work. I want people to think that I have it all together and that I work my tail off. But, in all reality, I don't think that matters. Yes, you have to do the work and put in ALL of the time, but your success will speak for itself. 

I want to approach this year much the same. Do the work, put in the hours, don't boast about the hustle. The success and end result will speak for itself as something of value and worth. 

It's the little steps, the little lists, the little moments that will add up to an life of INTENTION. 

These will be my areas of focus this year...a mind, body, and soul approach. 

HOME |  Purge. Home Projects. Weekly Cleaning Schedule. Clean Car. 

BODY | Move more often. CSA or Farmer's Market. Self-Care Weekly. Get Outside. Drink More Water. Essential Oisl. More Sleep. 

MONEY | Side Hustle. Meal Planning. Debt Free Goals & Plan. Budget Boot Camp. Spending Freeze. No Mindless Purchases. 

FAMILY & LOVE |  Family Meals. Date Night. Work Life Balance. Be Present. Take Vacations. More Husband Time. 

MIND | Less TV. More Books. Podcasts & TED Talks. Learn Something New. Brain Dump in AM & PM. 

SPIRIT | Wake at 5am often. Gratitude Journal. Morning Pages. The Artist's Way. Community Involvement. Church. 

I'm not sure where all of this will take me this year, but I'm willing to take the time to find out. 

A List | 31 Things Before 31

I entered into a new decade on Wednesday. I am no longer in my twenties and I still haven't quite grasped that. A lot happened in my twenties. Heartbreak. Living in the northwest. Going to college. Playing lots of music. Moving home. Meeting Ryan. Marrying Ryan. A few different jobs: coffee houses, churches, a dental office. Playing more music. We bought our first home. We had our first kid. 

Many things can happen in the span of a decade. Now I find myself in a fresh one, untouched and totally unknown. The idea of being in my thirties is actually pretty appealing. I'm ready for a fresh start, a clean slate. In some ways, I feel like I need to be a real adult now. In other ways I feel like I never will be and that's totally alright. 

Every year for the past few years, I've written a list around my birthday. This list consists of many things that I want to accomplish in the new year in front of me. Last year, I did alright with my list but didn't accomplish quite a few of them. You can see the list here....30 Things Before 30.  It's no secret that I love making lists and I love making this list every single year. I'm excited for what 30 holds. So many things in our lives feel like they are currently in transition. I'm sure I will move into 31 in a totally different place. 

Below is my brand new list. Fresh and new. 31 things before I turn 31.....

1. Read 31 books.

2. Start blogging again.

3. Get pregnant with #2.

4. Paint the outside of our house.

5. Embrace a side hustle.

6. Play a show.

7. See the ocean.

8. Make a big purchase with cash.

9. Get another tattoo.

10. Get a facial.

11. Grow Hollen Photography.

12. Get a deep tissue massage.

13. Redo our basement: paint everything, new flooring, doors, etc. 

14. Finish a song. 

15. Go to a drive-in movie. 

16. Start writing a book. 

17. Thrift more. 

18. Increase our curb appeal.

19. Travel somewhere new. 

20. Build up an emergency fund. 

21. Meal plan and decrease our grocery budget. 

22. Purge the entire house, every room!

23. Develop a product or new venture.  

24. Get family pictures taken. 

25. Complete another Jazzercise attendance challenge. 

26. Have a No-Spend Month. 

27. Read the Dark Tower Series, Harry Potter Series, and Anne of Green Gables Series. 

28. Take a class. 

29. Seasonal Fun: pumpkin patch, picking strawberries, the zoo, parades, the fair, etc. 

30. See a show at Red Rocks. 

31. Splurge on the perfect pair of jeans. 

Why Can't We Have It All?

Have you ever just felt sort of stuck? Unsure? Wading through the unknown and wondering what direction you are going and what direction you are meant to go in? 

That’s where I am at right now. I just feel sort of, well…Blah. Everything seems to be normal and boring around these parts and I was longing for something to shake me out of this funk. I thought some changes at work would do the trick and I feel like I fell short on that one. It wasn’t quite what I was hoping for but I know that God has a plan through that whole situation and I just need to trust Him and not just trust what I think is best for us. I hate lessons like that sometimes. This grand thing is sitting right in front of you and you are longing to just dive in and get to work and then it’s like…. “Welp, you’re doing a great job but not enough to get what you really desire. Keep trucking along!” Hooray. Hooray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability, that is to be sure. 

Then I begin to start feeling selfish and stupid because I do have a great job, we do have a great house, we have a wonderful family, we can pay our bills. Is it wrong to want to succeed? Is it wrong to want to advance in your line of work? Is it wrong that even though I want both of those things, what I really want is to be able to get pregnant again and just raise some babies. But then I hear, deep down inside, the echoes of all of the people along the way that have told me that I would go crazy if I wasn’t working or being a SAHM just isn’t for me…yada, yada, yada. 

Don’t even get me started on how my creative side has fallen pretty much silent, practically dead. I have ideas. I have songs waiting to be sung, waiting to be written. I have books that I want to write. I have projects that I want to create and that I am excited about. I want too many things, it seems. 

Why can’t we have it all? 

There’s really only one thing in the physical sense that is grounding me in this season. As cheesy as it sounds, Jazzercise has really transformed the way I think about myself and my goals. I’m doing a competition right now: 30 classes in 35 days. That means, with my schedule, I have to go Monday-Saturday to Jazzercise. So far, I’m killing it. I woke up at 5am to get to class today. Killing it. I’m going to grasp on to that challenge with everything I have in me for it is keeping me grounded amidst all of the chaos in our lives. 

Sometimes in life we just have to bite the bullet, have the hard conversations, face the disappointments. But, if we are grounded in Jesus and things that make us feel alive, we will find direction even in the chaos. We all go through funks. We all face trials and have triumphs. I want to experience it all on this journey. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes that’s hard. 

ONE LITTLE WORD 2016 | RESTORE

I woke up this morning and felt a bit more determined than the day before. A new light, a more articulated reason for striving and thriving. The end of one year and the beginning of another always causes me to reflect and seek out new, fresh determination. I realize it’s just a moment in time, influenced by the world making new resolutions and diving head first into a new calendar year. I love this time though just the same. A clean slate is what I live for..unknown and fresh like a newly fallen snow that hasn’t been touched yet and walked through. 

I am the kind of person that secretly longs for change and hopes for life that isn't just a mundane cycle of adulthood but something extraordinary. Full of hope, destiny, and a thirst for the things and journeys in our lives that we have yet to experience. For some reason, 2016 feels like it will be a year of great change, determination, and of renewal in my life and in the lives of those around me. I feel the low rumble right now, the build up, the grand entrance of things I cannot quite see. 

2014 was the year I became a mom and everything shifted. I spent most of that year trying to keep my head above water and make sure our daughter was growing and thriving. 2015 was really the year of me diving head first into a new job (at the end of 2014) and finding my footing again. Getting out of healthcare was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 2015 was also the year though that I let so many of the creative pieces of my very existence start to fall away. One by one, minute by minute. Aside from church, I haven’t played any music. Long gone are the days of playing shows at dive bars at 12am. I haven't really allowed myself to sit down and write. I always knew the day would come when we started a family and life would shift in many ways but I feel like I haven’t even properly morned my creative loss. 

2016 is new. 2016 is fresh and open and unknown. I have never been more ready to dive in. The past few years I have decided on One Little Word for the year. Last year my word was LESS. That couldn’t have been more true. 

My word came to me this year a few weeks before the end of 2015. It has been resonating and soaking for a few weeks and I couldn’t be more excited to embrace it. 

My little word for 2016 is RESTORE. 

re·store

rəˈstôr/

verb

verb: restore; 3rd person present: restores; past tense: restored; past participle: restored; gerund or present participle: restoring

• bring back (a previous right, practice, custom, or situation)
•  reinstate. reinstate, bring back, reinstitute, reimpose, reinstall, reestablish "the aim to restore democracy"

▪ return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position.

▪ repair or renovate (a building, work of art, vehicle, etc.) so as to return it to its original condition.

▪ repair, fix, mend, refurbish, recondition, rehabilitate, rebuild, reconstruct, remodel, overhaul, redevelop, renovate; More

I have a lot of things I wish to restore in my life this year. I feel like I have lost so many pieces of myself over the last few years. 

I want to restore my confidence and self-worth. I’ve set some pretty intense goals to meet before my 30th birthday this August. I want to take care of myself again and restore that which I feel like I have lost as the pounds have been packed on over the last few years. I will feel good in my own skin. 

I just started a new lifestyle, not diet plan. It feels good. It feels like home. I also just joined Jazzercise (I know how that sounds) but it is amazing and I can’t wait to go back! I will make time for my health. 

I want to restore my creative endeavors. I don’t need to play a show every weekend anymore. Those days are gone for now. I want to just get new strings and pick up my guitar again. I want to make time to write music for no one other than myself. Maybe I will book a show or two, probably without a band, but that’s a start for now and that must be enough. 

I want to restore quiet mornings and focus on getting up early enough to read the Word, journal my thoughts, and just breathe for a moment in the morning. 

I want to restore our financial freedom and have plans to destroy our debt and gain financial peace. Things will be tight. We will have to go without some things we desire, but it will be worth it. 

I want to restore or repair our home to make it the best that it can be. I truly believe that we aren’t supposed to sell our home until we are out of debt. I want to make the most out of the home we have and embrace it all. I want to get rid of so many things that we don't need. 

This has been a long winded post but I am so excited to see what this year brings. 

Start over with me, and create a new, clean heart within me. Fill me with pure thoughts and holy desires, ready to please you.  May there never be even a shadow of darkness between us! May you never deprive me of your Sacred Spirit! Let my passion for life be RESTORED tasting joy in every breakthrough you bring to me.  Give me more of your Holy Spirit-Wind so that I may stand strong and true to you! 

Psalm 51:10-12 Passion Translation

Life Lately | September Update

I blinked and we are halfway through September. Life has been changing swiftly and constantly this past month. I've added a multitude of job responsibilities at work, along with being able to cross #18 off of this list. 

I've been really focusing on keeping an hour or so every morning just for myself. Quiet time. No working. No sending emails. I've been working through this devotional this month and it's so great. I highly recommend it.

I've finish a few books this month, which also gets me closer to my goal for my 30 Things List. Since I created my list I've finished: #1, #2, #3. 

I've been trying new recipes and some meal planning throughout the week. So far we have tried: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6. I really liked the Baked Tacos and Baked Spaghetti. 

We celebrated my nephew's 1st birthday this past weekend. He's adorable and I love watching him grow up. 

I finally had the hubby bring down some of the fall decor from the garage attic. I didn't go too nuts this year but it is nice to have a bit of new color. I am also still in love with our new light fixture over the kitchen table. I am also still trying to figure out when in the world I'm going to repaint the kitchen cabinets and paint pretty much the entire inside of my house. I need a week off with no interruptions just to accomplish all of it. 

I'm longing for a small vacation. I would go anywhere at this point. I just want to unplug and unwind. 

September is flying by but everyday I come to the end of my day and feel accomplished. Life is good right now. Family is important. My BIL was in a car accident last week and it just makes you stop and think about life and family. He is going to be ok but the road is not short. Rest is also important. I love that fall is pretty much here and I'm ready to welcome to it.