Have you ever just felt sort of stuck? Unsure? Wading through the unknown and wondering what direction you are going and what direction you are meant to go in?
That’s where I am at right now. I just feel sort of, well…Blah. Everything seems to be normal and boring around these parts and I was longing for something to shake me out of this funk. I thought some changes at work would do the trick and I feel like I fell short on that one. It wasn’t quite what I was hoping for but I know that God has a plan through that whole situation and I just need to trust Him and not just trust what I think is best for us. I hate lessons like that sometimes. This grand thing is sitting right in front of you and you are longing to just dive in and get to work and then it’s like…. “Welp, you’re doing a great job but not enough to get what you really desire. Keep trucking along!” Hooray. Hooray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability, that is to be sure.
Then I begin to start feeling selfish and stupid because I do have a great job, we do have a great house, we have a wonderful family, we can pay our bills. Is it wrong to want to succeed? Is it wrong to want to advance in your line of work? Is it wrong that even though I want both of those things, what I really want is to be able to get pregnant again and just raise some babies. But then I hear, deep down inside, the echoes of all of the people along the way that have told me that I would go crazy if I wasn’t working or being a SAHM just isn’t for me…yada, yada, yada.
Don’t even get me started on how my creative side has fallen pretty much silent, practically dead. I have ideas. I have songs waiting to be sung, waiting to be written. I have books that I want to write. I have projects that I want to create and that I am excited about. I want too many things, it seems.
Why can’t we have it all?
There’s really only one thing in the physical sense that is grounding me in this season. As cheesy as it sounds, Jazzercise has really transformed the way I think about myself and my goals. I’m doing a competition right now: 30 classes in 35 days. That means, with my schedule, I have to go Monday-Saturday to Jazzercise. So far, I’m killing it. I woke up at 5am to get to class today. Killing it. I’m going to grasp on to that challenge with everything I have in me for it is keeping me grounded amidst all of the chaos in our lives.
Sometimes in life we just have to bite the bullet, have the hard conversations, face the disappointments. But, if we are grounded in Jesus and things that make us feel alive, we will find direction even in the chaos. We all go through funks. We all face trials and have triumphs. I want to experience it all on this journey. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes that’s hard.