I wrote this in my journal yesterday, in the early morning hour before the rest of my world was awake.
Hello, Monday. I can't believe you are here already, but I must be very much ready for you. This weekend was a whirlwind of fresh, bold hair colors, dance classes, house scrubbing, new decor store inspiration, and all of the reasons why our mothers are amazing and all the reasons why I still can't wait to be a mom.
I always think: maybe this will be the last year of not being a mother, just maybe. Maybe next year some of those adorable hand made cards will be for me. Maybe I will be the wide-eyed, sleep deprived woman at the end of the table with a kid in tow. Maybe that will be next year for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I long for motherhood a lot lately. Of course, the idea of it absolutely terrifies me. But, at the same time, I finally feel that spark of knowing that is part of what I am meant to do, of how I meant to live, of who I am meant to be. To be a mom. To raise a child. To devote myself and time to another little human being that cannot quite care for themselves yet. I just know, with all that is within me, that motherhood will someday be a part of who I am.
I think about my own mother today. Her guidance, her trust in all of my adventures, her wisdom. I think of my mother-in-law and all of the ways she is also wise. I am surrounded by women who know what they are doing and probably sat in the very place I do now today. Wondering. Waiting. Terrified. But, somehow each day I am more ready than I was the day before.
Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe it won't. Everyday I get closer to that time.
Yes. We were once this awesome. I'm the deer in headlights in the back.