I had trouble falling back asleep on Thursday night. I guess it technically would have been Friday morning due to a 4am feeding with our little gal. My mind just wouldn’t shut off the moment my head hit my wonderful pillow. Usually I have no problem drifting off into dream land again for a few hours before the next feeding, but that wasn’t the case this time around.
I couldn’t shut it off. I wanted to. I fought it. I didn’t win.
Monday will mark the day I kind of return to work. We set up my maternity leave so that during the last two weeks, I would go in for two days each week to kind of get my feet wet again and then after that, I would return like normal. I’ve been working from home for a good chunk of my leave and have tried to stay on top of everything that I could while being so far away from my place of employment all while caring for a fussy newborn. I have worn many, many, many hats in the last 12 weeks. I’ve learned each and everyday about being a mom, caring for another. I’ve taken online photography courses. I’ve written consistently on my blog and hope to continue to do so. I’ve started another side business with my mother which will be revealed at some point. I’ve embarked into the world of Doterra and have tried to learn as much as I can.
I have been busy. I will only get busier.
As I was thinking of all of these things, panic began to set in. On Monday, I will also not be doing my normal job but working at someone else’s desk as coverage. I’m fine with doing so, it’s good for me to do that every once in a while so I don’t get rusty and so I can support the wonderful team that I get to work with. But, then I started thinking about how I needed to pump. How many times I needed to pump. Whether or not I would be able to get away to pump. What if I didn’t pump enough? What if my milk dries up? And so the cycle begins. Over and over and over again.
I know it will all work itself out and I know that legally my place of employment has to let me pump and provide for my baby. For some reason though, early in the morning, it seemed like the biggest mountain to climb, a hurdle that I couldn’t conquer.
I need to refocus my mind set. I have a great job, especially one that has allowed me to spend so much time with our child. I can breastfeed. I know that some women don’t have that. I struggled in the beginning, it hasn’t been perfect, but I am so thankful that we have come so far in that area. My child is healthy and is growing every day. We have a roof over our heads. We have food on our table. I have been able to work on the creative areas of my life whether it be writing a blog or taking a photo. I have allowed my mind to breathe and grow in all things entrepreneurial, which is where I really love to be.
We are embarking into a season of our lives that is like no other we have experienced. Having a kid really does change everything. Even though I feel like some of my dreams have currently been set aside (that’s a whole other blog post and music, I miss you dearly), we have gained so many other dreams as well.
I just need to remind myself that it will all work out in the end and that no dream is too big.